NFW Brawl
Reported on Saturday, May 3 2008
Hello, my name is Gordon and I once lived in California. I do remember the New York Dolls and David Johannsen making my ears bleed as Sirius Radio crackled to life in the production truck outside the Roseland Ballroom. Ever smell one of these things? After a show, you can’t tell what’s been consumed more…weed or nacho cheese. Steve Knox entering first, and the reaction he receives is pretty substantial given that he's a newcomer to NFW. He also has new entrance music, already. Maybe Eric Johnson was upset. His opponent, getting a LOUDER pop from the crowd marks, is P. King Duk. So, now we got this Steve Knox guy. He claims to be awesome. He's facing P. King Duk. Significantly less awesome…even if the fans disagree. Lesbian Deathcab Cutie that I once typed into google and saw some fat Italian man getting gobbled by a tattooed…wait, stop…rewind. Impulse out first. The now self-proclaimed Marathon Man lasted until the end of the Television Title Royale, going something crazy like 80 minutes or something at Wrestlestock 2. Fans give him respect, he’s also a hometown boy…who just happens to not have pinned someone in a singles match yet. Breakout party? The jury’s in. Wildstar respects Impulse. Calamity thinks he’s an idiot. Toombs says he gets the samurai code, but he’d probably just take the win ‘cause it’s a win. And ummm…Varga hasn’t left the ring. Instead, he’s got the microphone.
Then I took acid at Wrestlestock 2 and find myself employed as a summer intern insurgent of New Frontier Wrestling. CODENAME: GEKKO
When the acid wore off, I was at some upstate New York campground wondering how I learned so much about pyrotechnics without remembering the last ten days…or if I had even slept.
Now, I find myself two weeks late in getting results to an undeveloped website via laptop from a tour bus parked in central Manhattan. The city that never sleeps...the fed too wired to sleep…I’m pretty much going to die within the next 12 hours of liver disease.
And what does Miles say to me this morning? While eating a greasy bacon, egg and cheese that made my stomach curdle…5:30 AM, we finished a BARREL OF WHISKEY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
“Welcome to NFW in New York City!”
So, I suppose I should start before they handcuff me to the hookers tonight. I hate Mondays…we have to learn why hookers have feelings, we don’t actually get to f*ck them until we earn $10 ourselves.
Oh yeah, the start….WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
We’ve got our trio of terror in the press box for the time being with Calamity, Sean Toombs and Wild *flashes five-star hand signal* Star. They’re in the booth immediately leaping into what the wrestling world’s missed if its been under a rock the last two weeks. Nova’s the champ, Joe’s still in the hospital and Dan Ryan tendered his resignation from New Frontier Wrestling on April 21, 2008.
Way to take the wind out the sails of any teasing, gentlemen.
Meanwhile, the crowd’s just about filled in to about 1,500 deep for the special NFW return to the Big Apple since its historic press conference last year. FRONTIERtron crackles to life and the crowd starts roaring right away.
And we’ve got Legion.
(boos.)
…and we’ve got Varga.
(boos.)
What were the odds that they’d be arriving in the locker room at the same time, so I could wonder if they start arguing will 2,000 brains pop simultaneously in ten seconds or less?
So for, thirty seconds they stare at each other and say nothing as the crowd keeps booing the fact that at any moment their lives could be over…my fingers are going numb due to the fact I’m having a pre-eminent stroke.
Luci4 walks in and escorts Legion out of the picture.
The crowd’s still booing, while I’m crying and thanking God nothing was said.
With that the lights dim down, unknown music starts blasting over the speakers…and here comes ....STEVE KNOX vs. P. KING DUK
Steve waits patiently while Duk absorbs the standard "DUK FOR PRESIDENT!" chants from the crowd. He flips into the ring, waves his kendo stick around...
...and then Steve Knox hits him with the GOLD RUSH, turning Duk head-over-heels.
Yikes.
Steve casually pins Duk from there, and absorbs a "THAT WAS AWESOME!" chant from the crowd.
Yeah, that's about it.
Good laugh, but we can’t really rate that for anything. Wildstar is wondering why Steve Knox just got put up against P. King Duk with who’s in the locker room. Calamity’s in the crowd doing a keg stand, while Sean Toombs is dialing a NYC Weed Delivery Service to find out if they really exist.
And Varga things the F.B.I. is looking for him…
…well, they should be, but that’s besides the point.LEGION & LUCI4 vs. SOUTHERN REMEDY
Legion and Luci4 are walking! The crowd doesn’t like them and stuff!
Wildstar goes onto say that these two looked like they were about to win their match, when there modus operandi (huh?) took themselves out. I think he means that Uber Judge split the skull of a women with a solid oak gavel.
They’re in the ring…Black Crowes hit and the crowd starts playing guitar hero as Charlie Crowe and Duane Skynyrd run into a barrage of boots as they stereo slingshot in the ring. Apparently, they’re unaware that Legion doesn’t even know how to read rules to follow them as Crowe gets thrown outside the ring, into the barricade. Luci4 starts deathkicking Skynyrd in the side, he catches her foot with a laugh…
STFU ENZIGUIRI. Skynyrd helicopters to the mat as Legion slides in with a dropkick to his jaw. Crowe gets on the apron and a spinning Luci4 leg lariat sends him flying off and back into the barricade. Wildstar says anything that can move that fast with recklessness is a danger, no matter the genitals.
Legion grabs Skynyrd…and someone’s been watching too much YouTube! PACKAGE PILEDRIVER.
Eek. Is that illegal in New York?
ONE. TWO. THREE.
Toombs is paying some dreadheaded crackhead 50 bucks for a bag. Calamity’s rubbing his face in some fat biker dyke’s chest…and Wildstar is HAPPY that Skynyrd’s kicking his legs ‘cause that mean he didn’t just get paralyzed. Can someone clue me into why I signed up as a summer intern here?
Legion and Luci4 leave to a lot of shocked boos as Skynyrd is helped to the back, but on his feet with a round of applause.IMPULSE vs. THE UBER JUDGE
Uber Judge out next to a nervous crowd buzz. Nobody knows what’s going on, is the dude Kin Hiroshi like Felix Red is hypothesizing? Legion’s inferring that he’s someone…who is certainly…implausible. I can’t even say who he thinks ‘cause it’d just boggle my mind any further than it needs to be considering its current environment. Seriously, I think Dan Ryan suffered from aneurysms just trying to understand this place, before it started trying turn his forehead into a cobb salad.
ANYWAY.
Marathon Man in all black.
Man of Implausibility in white.
Lockup and the Judge uses his size advantage to push Impulse in the corner and starts ripping away with some quick striking chops which gets some crowd howls right away. Judge sets up the Irish Whip and Impulse hits the opposite corner, but does dodge UJ flying in with an avalanche elbow – UJ staggers into a snapmare, rolling neck snap and springboard dropkick combo! Crowd gets loud after that as Impulse starts wrecking UJ’s head with a series of side kicks, but UJ catches him with a dragon whip out of nowhere to stop the barrage.
Wrestlers stand up slowly sizing each other, crowd clapping for the first series. Impulse charges off the ropes trying to gain some speed and ducks under a UJ clothesline attempt. The Marathon Man starts hitting Super Impulse Speed as he ricochets off the opposite ropes, while ducking under a discus UJ clothesline attempt – SPRINGBOARD! MOONSAULT ELBOW SMASH! UJ jumps in the air like he takes a DOOM Shotgun Blast to the chest and hits the mat, Impulse kips up and bullets off the ropes, snapping a quick elbow drop right into the Judge’s chestplate. Crowd winces, pin attempt and a ONE. TWO.
Not quite, Judge gets the shoulder up. Impulse tries to keep him at bay with the side headlock, but UJ quickly stands up with the size advantage and drops the kid with a Back to Belly Suplex – and the kid’s NFW alright, he holds onto the headlock shaking off the shot. UJ quickly spins them up again, and this is where the kid has to learn. UJ rinses and repeats, arching it just a little more to drop Impulse more on his head. Both men now down, ref starts counting…
Wildstar says that Impulse may need to stop the pacing and go full-on Impulse style to win a match, as UJ catches the rookie with a kitchen sink knee. UJ puts a knee in the back of Impulse, locks a reverse chinlock…and starts lecturing the youngster on the merits of judicial law and its role on cultured society.
I’m not sure why Impulse is in agony because it seems UJ’s passion is making him spittle…Impulse fights up, starts doing the side elbow rev-up and bounds off the ropes…eating a discus clothesline that might’ve put the bones of his nose somewhere behind his ears. UJ drops for the pin and ONE. TWO. TH-NO. Crowd cheers, its not over yet. UJ brings up Impulse for the chokehold setup – NO!
Impulse starts kicking rabidly into UJ’s side and breaks it up…goes off the ropes and this time connects with a leaping forearm which sends UJ stumbling in the corner. Fists in the corner, monkey flip and UJ lands on his feet…only disoriented.
SUPERKICK!
Impulse covers, ONE. TWO. THRRRRRRRRRRNO.
Impulse leaps up and hops to the turnbuckles, scaling on the top…perching…UJ gets up slowly…Impulse off! UJ has the ref by the belt!
MISSILE DROPKICK!
Only ummm…Impulse hits the ref.
UJ starts stomping Impulse like he’s on fire. Crowd’s booing, he starts hitting the air-gavel pump. CHOKE—CHAIRSHOT!
THAT’S RIGHT.
LEGION and LUCI-4.
The crowd doesn’t know what to boo, but it just does. UJ falls Impulse kicks Legion in the skull, but it doesn’t matter…Luci then bashes his face in with another Chairshot! Impulse and UJ are down, Legion stands up holding his head and demands another chairshot on Impulse.
BLAM.
Crowd’s had enough, ref is getting up…UJ on his knees…and Luci places the chair by his hands …they roll out of the ring and watch the proceedings unfold gleefully. UJ by instinct uses the chair to help himself up just as the referee stands up himself. He sees Impulse on the mat, trying to fight off the mat and starts ringing for the bell!
The crowd starts booing loudly, when all of a sudden Impulse lunges into the ref and pulls his arm down and starts screaming. The crowd starts buzzing as Impulse keeps screaming “NO CONTEST! NO CONTEST!’ as the referee then tries to raise Impulse’s hand…only for it to be shoved down.
Legion’s NOT happy according to Calamity, who’s also challenging dudes to chug 6 24 oz. beer cans by the end of the show. If they do not pee, he’ll give them 250 dollars.
Impulse explaining things to the ref, pleading NOT to be the winner…Lee-Baby finally asks what the hell’s going on…and the ref shrugs and says “NO CONTEST.” Impulse falls to his knees, holding his head as the announcement is heard over the crowd. Legion and Luci immediately enter the ring and jump UJ from behind, grabbing the chair and hitting him once more across the mask. They start trying to take it OFF, when Impulse crashes in with a bulldog and cheers! The chairshot’s wearing on him, so he’s not much of a fight for Luci’s speed kicks into a spin kick to the gut!
New York City is cheering JAMES VARGA.
I’m pretty sure this was the precise moment I thought the world would explode in a fiery ball of hatred, disgust and everything imaginable.
Legion starts laughing as he sees the world ending as something funny…or maybe he sees Varga, grabs Luci4 and they exit the opposite side. The ring’s cleared, the crowd returns to boos. UJ and Impulse look at each other, UJ making a weird nod towards his opponent before rolling out of the ring himself.BROCK ALYAS vs. JAMES VARGA
Why would anyone let him have that?
Have you heard a man describe the sanctity of a federation to a sixteen year old catholic girl that’s just decided to meet the trials of temptation?
No?
Hm. Well, now New York City has. Varga says he’s going to violate this place like the schoolgirl that falls pretty to Satan.
(GOOD GAWD!)
He starts challenging Nova. Miles. He points at Legion getting escorted on the ramp. Legion stops being allowed an escorted back, looking angrily…and just as Varga lists off six or seven other dudes.
FRONTIERTRON: CRAIG MILES smoking a cigarette.
MILES: “Brock Alyas, if you’re around here…TEN-G’S of your money from Wrestlestock 2 can be earned if you welcome Mr. Varga to the rigors of the Frontier.”
DETROIIIIIIIIIIIIT ROCK CITY!
Before you can even say where money talks, Brock Alyas walks…
HERE’S ALLLLLLLLLYAS….AND HE’S WALKING!
Varga tosses the microphone out of the ring, but we should mention he’s in street clothes. Alyas is in all-black wrestling gear and rushing the ring. We’ve got more fists flying than a drunken Irish Family Reunion! Alyas! Varga! Alyas! Varga! Alyas! Varga! …and then they start headbutting each other! Alyas! Varga! Alyas! Varga! Alyas! Varga! Both of ‘em stagger around and right into a double clothesline taking each other down. The bell rings, they’re pinning each other! ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEENO.
Wow.
Crowd whistles and howls with the mere millimeters of the quickest double-pin this side of Lindsay Troy and Joey Melton in Season 1….although that wasn’t really in the ring, was it?
Anywho. both stagger up, Alyas starts overpowering Varga with a barrage of rights and the Violator all of a sudden ducks through the ropes, holding his eye. Ref tries to separate the two and Varga sneaks in a poke to Alyas’ eye and quickly starts planting elbows. Varga hooks him by the head and jumps over the top rope, snapping Alyas’ neck over the top rope with a whiplash effect! Alyas hits the deck, Varga slides back in the ring and goes for the cover. ONE! TWO! NO! Alyas powers out and staggers up as Varga measures him with a running clothesline that flips him out of the ring over the top – Alyas somehow lands on his feet to crowd cheers! Varga snarls, bounds off the opposite ropes and goes for the sliding dropkick, but Alyas reads that one like a book – sidestep, Varga hooked around the waist and shaking his head like a wet dog!
OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY! Varga skids and hollers, holding his back and arching in pain. Alyas sends a smack through the Roseland with a vicious running kick to the back. Crowd groans on that one, Varga in a world of pain as Alyas adds to the ordeal by ramming his back into the corner of the apron. Varga rolls in and starts squirming into the turnbuckles pleading for a break from the Brockmonster. Brock grabs him by the legs, Varga tries holding onto the buckles and takes a high-elevation giant swing! Varga slides into the other corner, Brock tries to repeat…but this time Varga hooks his arm around the rope, forcing a break…
Alyas is too fired up for the money to let Varga get oriented, so he’s trying to shove past Varga feigning his back being broken…foot to the nuts. Varga knocks Brock’s berries off the vine, dropping the Detroit native to a knee. Varga follows that up with a stiff kick to the jaw stunning Brock…and then a running knee to the head, knocking him over.
That’s when LEGION pushed passed Insurgent Security and walked back down towards the ring, right in the view of Varga…almost waiting until he knew he couldn’t be missed. Varga saw this and started shouting at the ref to watch Legion, while pushing Brock facefirst into the corner. Varga pointed down at Legion and then ran a lap around the ring before leaping into Alyas with a running high knee avalanche! Brock staggered around trying to shake it off as LUCI4 hopped into the crowd and started pushing through along the barricade.
Varga slingshots to the apron, pointing and shouting at both while vaulting to the top turnbuckles…and landing a Double Axehandle Smash that sends Alyas to the mat! Legion and Luci reach ringside, but on opposite sides as Varga has to watch them both while scaling the turnbuckles again…now, we’ve got all cards on the table as the crowd goes nuts as Legion and Luci4 hop to a kneeling position on both sides of the apron! Varga’s perched and trying to balance himself and point them out to the ref! …and lord knows, the ref doesn’t know what to do! Varga decides to f*ckit and LEAP!
Annnnnnnd, that was a bad choice.
BROCK MOVES!
BROCK’S JUICED!
Varga staggers up into the one position he shouldn’t!
WRIST-CLUTCH! EXPLOHHHHHHHHHDAHHHHHHHHHH!
Legion and Luci hop off the apron with wide grins on their face.
Brock emphatically hooks the leg, getting the ONE. TWO. THREE.
Bell rings, Varga’s dazed and confused. NFW Insurgent Security deliver Brock an envelope. Brock’s music kicks in as he storms out of the ring and scene immediately, the crowd getting a FRONTIERtron shot of Brock walking and ripping open the envelope. The crowd cheers as he smiles and starts counting the wad of cash in his hands, he pushes through a door…when all of a sudden…
BOOM!
POP!
The crowd screams in shock as the cash explodes into a burst of orange paint! Brock starts shaking as everyone in the production area starts running away from him, remembering what happened at Wrestlestock Two.
Inside the Ballroom, Varga vows to piss in Legion’s decapitated skull after he scoops out his brains. Well, not really…but I bet that’s how he felt inside and I hope he sees a therapist about that.
In a couple of days, you’ll get to hear about how Nova’s got this weird thing about people touching his new stash. And by weird, I mean…bloodgoring insanity and by bloodgoring insanity, I mean the show at the Hammerstein seven days after this one.
