DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects
DISC 2 TRACK 9: Waist Expansion
DISC 2 TRACK 10: National: Teresa Quaranta © vs. The Uber Judge vs. Steve Knox
DISC 2 TRACK 11: What have you got to lose except your Soul?
DISC 2 TRACK 12: TV: Joe the Plumber © vs. Kin Hiroshi
DISC 2 TRACK 13: Your Lord and Saviour
DISC 2 TRACK 14: Nova/Cruise/Noble vs. Payne/Alyas/Atken
DISC 2 TRACK 15: Covert
DISC 2 TRACK 16: The Grand Prix 500

Welcome to the Revolution

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, make violent revolution inevitable.”

(FADEIN: A helicopter vantage point shot of dawn on the Daytona Beach, Florida shoreline. Somewhere, along the middle there’s dozens of trucks as well as thousands of construction workers setting up the wrestling ring, STARtron and various fan areas along the boardwalk and bar crawl areas. As the circular overhead panning continues, the sky fast-forwards from a mid-day to sunset…)

KERRY O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world without promises.”

(CUTTO: The infamous SARS/IMPULSE/STEVE KNOX finish at WRESTLESTOCK TWO – while JOE THE PLUMBER hangs unconscious on an overturned ladder.)

O’CONNOR: “We live in a world without guarantees.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN CUTTO: NOVA locking the Caesarian Section on DAN RYAN to the left, TERESA QUARANTA to the right.)

O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world, where the demented are the divine…”

(QUICK CUTTO’s: VARGA cackling like a maniac as a man in a KOOPA suit clotheslines him behind! KOOTER MICHAELS-CRUISE headbanging and playing mop-guitar, while the surrounding 20,000 fans mosh in unison! SARS chairshotting JOE THE PLUMBER! DIRK DICKWOOD firing up PHIL ATKEN who’s doing pushups with DIRK on his back…)

O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world that can’t challenge us…”

(SLO-FADE: PRIME COLOSSUS V © -- STEVE KNOX holding up the Elite Championship in victory!)

O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world where men without honor, survive by destroying those that are hanging onto their last single shred.”

(HIGHLIGHT MONTAGE: CAMERON CRUISE viciously attacking KIN HIROSHI backstage! FELX RED and LEGION donneybrooking in a locker room! BROCK ALYAS’ veins popping out his neck, as he tries to shove away security!)

O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world, where HATE drives us beyond sacrifice.”

(QUICK CUTTO’s: DC STRATTON’s career-defining SWANTON SENTON out of the ring at CRASH 45! BLAINE HOLLYWOOD landing the “That’s Entertainment!” on the Halo-Vested RAYNE! Security and paramedics trying to calm down a frantic STRATTON…)

O’CONNOR V/O: “We live in a world where there are no villains…”

(FAST & FURIOUS MONTAGE: KIN HIROSHI debuting in NFW 2000, all 200 fans packed into THE VAULT are going completely nuts as SOUTHERN blasts ARMANDO MONTEZUMA with a Superkick! SHANE SOUTHERN winning the NFW World Championship at CRASHMAS 2 – people crying at ringside in Paul Tsongas Arena! NOVA leaping off the SAN DIEGO BOARDWALK onto BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD during the Ultratitle Season 2 Wrestlestock Tour! KIN HIROSHI stuck in the ‘Felix Stretch,’ RED pulling back on his unconscious body! NOVA getting his arms raised by ELI FLAIR and MIKE RANDALLS at the infamous ‘How the West was Won’ Cheyenne Season 2 Season Finale! HIROSHI getting electrocuted by paramedics! NOVA holding up the Ultratitle 2 Trophy at Wrestlebowl 2! HIROSHI holding up the NFW World Championship after defeating FELIX RED! NOVA on his knees at WRESTLESTOCK TWO staring into the newly won NFW World Championship!)

O’CONNOR V/O: “…because there are NO HEROES.”

(MONTAGE cnt’d: SOUTHERN breaking the Ultratitle Season 1 Trophy across MICHAEL MANSON’s head! SOUTHERN piledriving him on the pieces! HIROSHI slapping DAN RYAN in the face! HIROSHI taking the crazy DOUBLE-STOMP by RED in 2007! NOVA ripping the World Championship out of a referee’s hands! A still-photograph of NOVA mounted on a bloodied LORD COYNER POLLARD, belt raised over his hand with both hands…ready to be slammed on POLLARD’s skull, NOVA’s eyes bulging in anger…another photograph blends over it of KIN HIROSHI running away from authorities with NOVA’s title!)

O’CONNOR V/O: “But we live in a world of REVOLUTION and one day that may champion CHANGE.”

QUICK CUTTO’s: An overhead shot of the back of a man staring at IMPULSE’s mask on a table. FELIX RED sitting alone in his trailer straight at a mirror. TERESA QUARANTA and STEVE KNOX arriving on a split-screen shot. DC STRATTON bobbing back and forth, listening to music in his trailer. JOE THE PLUMBER walking along the Daytona Beach coastal highway, Television Championship slung over his shoulder. FADETOBLACK)

WELCOME TO THE REEEEEEEEEEEAL PRIME SUPREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING EMPIRE REVOLUTION

(FADEIN: A black screen...)

KERRY O’CONNOR: V/O) “DAAAAAAAAAAAAYTONUHHHHHHH BEEEEEEEACH, FLAHHHHHHHHRIDA!”

(MUSICUP: ‘Sleep Now in the Fire – RATM)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(FADEIN: The Daytona Beach coastal skyline erupting with a cavalcade of fireworks and pyrotechnics! An overhead camera swoops over the crowd barricaded along the breezy beach, signs thrusting in the air and camera flashes popping everywhere!)

O’CONNOR V/O: “THIS IS GROUND ZERO! (CROWD ROARS!) AND YOU HAVE REEEEEEEEEACHED! CRRRRRR—“

(SFX: A loud screech occurs!)

(QUICK CUTTO: O’CONNOR and LAMONT HOLLYWOOD looking around confusedly as the music stops, the STARtron fizzles out and the pyrotechnics die out. Neither can talk into their microphones, as the crowd starts buzzing loudly!)

V/O: “Y’know, after FORTY-FIVE Crash Televisions…I think its time you could use a break, Kerry.”

(CUTTO: The crowd looks towards the entrance ramp with some high expectations over a RARE circumstance that the beginning of a CRASH has been interrupted. Signs have been lowered, flashes shutter everywhere as the crowd starts whistling to the slide guitar intro…)

V/O: “After all, on a night where we will not only celebrate, but PROVE our UNIVERSAL DOMINANCE…I just don’t quite think anyone, but one man should introduce such an occasion.”

(CLOSEUP: A lone spotlight shines near the STARtron, the crowd ROARING! ‘The Boss’ CRAIG MILES stands there proudly with a beaming smile and an American Spirit dangling precariously from his lips. There’s a microphone in his hand, while his silver sunglasses reflect the sparkling scene of camera bulbs and lighters. MILES walks slowly down the ramp, as the single spotlight is the only thing illuminating the proceedings besides the city skyline and starry night. MILES steps through the ropes slowly, he’s in full Generalissimo regalia.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Well, sweet Mary I think we’ve got audio Lamont!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “What the hell’s going on, Beanfry – I don’t think this was on the itinerary for this evening!”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “I don’t know Woodman, Craig Miles…the BOSSMAN himself has broken up OUR introduction for his own…I think the best thing to do as always in this situation is to just sit back and let it ride.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Since when did you start taking your wife’s advice?”

(CLOSEUP: MILES looking out at the raucous crowd with a huge smile, he starts pacing around the ring and puffing on his cigarette.)

MILES: “The WRESTLING REVOLUTION as we like to play it…it isn’t just something for this underground rock n’ roll ride we’re all taking show by show. This is something that’s taking over GLOBALLY. There are universes upon universes of wrestling federations claiming they’ve got the best story or the best wrestling or maybe they talk about having the craziest freaks.”

(MILES takes a moment to take in the cheers from the crowd, inhaling deeply…)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I’m pretty sure we’re not even allowed to sit on that table ‘cause we weird out the crazy freaks.”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Quiet this sounds like it could be important…”

MILES: “But we’re the ones that have them ALL. We’re the ones that FREAK THE F(BLEEP!)K out of the freaks, we’re the ones that turn wrestling purists inside out, drop them on their heads and show them the TRUE SPIRIT of a wrestler…”

(The crowd chants “EN-EFF-DUB!” as MILES smirks, while exhaling a smoke ring.)

MILES: “Just in these past few weeks, we had a man that walked into the frightful world of (MILES quotes the air) REALITY (unquote) wrestling television…”

(The crowd slowly dies into a murmur…buzzing slightly in confusion after a few moments of pause from MILES as he takes another quick puff off his American Spirit.)

MILES: “Yeah, I’m talking about Thursdays on FX…I’m talking about your EX (spit) TV. (MILES starts counting off) PRIMEADONNAS, Gee See Done, Sin City COCKless Wrestling, the OTHER white EPW meat….”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “You know…for a guy that’s trying to work with so many global promotions, he sure has a knack for welcoming them here.”

(MILES stops counting off and just shakes his head, acting like he’s even shocked he should be discussing this…)

MILES: “…and while I won’t sit everyone down for a six hour lecture on how that’s working out for them all… It’s not as sad as the pimpled fat college reject that’s crying about the YouTube fed I REFUSE to mention ‘cause…THEY ARE ON YOUTUBE.

(MILES takes a slow drag…exhales another smoke ring.)

MILES: “I know that there’s probably some unpublished grad-school writer wondering how I can be so crudely cliché…”

(MILES motions to the camera to come close, his silver sunglasses refracting the colorful array of lights surrounding the outdoor CRASH TV…)

MILES: “Welcome to ENN-EFF-F(BLEEP!)KING DOUBLE YOU. Welcome to the home of the ONLY Revolution that matters…the WRESTLING Revolution!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Can you please tell me what the hell Miles is talking about right now?

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “…Probably, but I don’t think I want to hear your thoughts on it either.”

(MILES flicks his cigarette away and makes a motion towards the STARtron, while crowd roars in approval!)

MILES: (pointing into the camera)“You are dealing with ME…because STEVE KNOX came on your wife’s tits, he sawed your sister’s snatch and most of all… CONQUERED YOUR E-L33T LOVING AS(BLEEP!)HOLE.”

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck

(MUSICUP: "Hysteria" - Muse. CUTTO: The entryway, where two poles rise up from places in the entryway. The crowd ROARS as two women wearing barely anything step out from the curtains, go to the poles, and start dancing on them. As the bass introduction of "Hysteria" gives way to the drums, more women come out from the back and form what could only be described as a mob and a crowd. As the drums give way to the heavy guiars of the song, blasts of pyro erupt from directly above the entryway. Lights and lasers went off all around the entrance, in the tune of "Hysteria's guitars.)

H'WOOD: (V/O) "Geez, what's with this intro?"

(CUTTO: Steve Knox emerging from the entryway, being mobbed by the women who all seem to want his autograph. The Elite Championship is slung over his shoulder, and he actually does stop to sign a couple of autographs. The crowd roars as Steve signs his way through the crowd, only to be confronted by something that has been brought out to the aisleway during Steve's signing process: A large golden pyramid that's being pulled by what appeared to be large, beefy women. Steve looks at this spectacle with a large degree of surprise, and then just shrugs and climbs on the thing.)

O'CONNOR: (V/O) "When the hell did that get here?"

H'WOOD: (V/O) "I don't know, Beanfry. I don't know."

(The pyramid is pushed down the ring, with Steve Knox holding up his newly won Elite Championship for all to see. He gets to the ring, and Steve simply hops from the pyramid to the ring apron. The pyramid starts to get moved back to the back, while Steve Knox walks to Craig Miles and shakes his hand before taking the microphone from him and looking out at the cheering crowd as Miles rolls out of the ring.)

O'CONNOR: (V/O) "This man went through three difficult opponents to win that championship that's over his shoulder."

H'WOOD: (V/O) "He's not as awesome as he thinks he is, Beanfry."

(Steve Knox faces the nearest camera, and he begins to talk.)

KNOX: "Well, I don't know about all that, really. Sure, I went to Ringside... and I beat the EPW World Champion. And not Empire Pro Wrestling, but Evolution Pro Wrestling. ...Honestly, too many acronyms for me to keep up with. Then I went to said Evolution Pro, and I beat the SCCW Universal Champion. Now, I don't know how one tops beating a champion of the universe, but nevertheless, I feel like I've accomplished that because after I beat Andy Murray at PRIME's Colossus......"

(CUT-TO: A closeup of the Elite Championship, which Steve Knox takes off his shoulder and holds up for everyone to see.)

KNOX: "...I was given this."

(CUT-TO: Steve Knox, setting the Championship back onto its place on his shoulder.)

KNOX: "Now, while I haven't forgotten that I have the NFW National Championship to win tonight, I can honestly say that being the Elite Champion is... awesome."

CROWD: "RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH~!"

KNOX: "Being the Elite Champion proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am what I've always claimed I've been... awesome. Breathtakingly, purely awesome. When I say that, I don't mean it as a show of arrogance. I mean what I say. I am awesome. I play in a different league from the rest of NFW, the League of Awesome. So I can't really be better than everyone else, I'm just on a different level from everyone else. Something like that, anyway. ...Seriously, I drew a diagram and I misplaced it."

(The crowd murmurs, as Steve Knox scratches at an area behind his right ear.)

KNOX: "Being the Champion is a great feeling, something I can't bring to any other words other than two... Super awesome. And it will only get more awesome as time goes on, because I am going to take NFW by storm, too. Tonight, I'll start with the National Championship. And down the road, I'm staring that World Championship down. Bank on it, NFW… Bank on--"

(CUEUP: DOGS BARKING, SNARLING!)

O'CONNOR: (V/O) "Well, we know who THIS is… *sigh*"

(MUSICUP: "Dog Shit" - Old Dirty Bastard)

#All y'all b(BLEEP!)es put your naps together#

(CUTTO: The entryway, once more, as JOE THE PLUMBER marches through the curtain, out onto the stage. We can plainly see that he is wearing a designer Ed Hardy tee-shirt, which he stole it off some fan on his way to the arena. His gut protrudes out from the bottom of the shirt, which is at least three sizes too small, mind you. Nevertheless, Joe walks from one side of the stage to the other, hoisting up his NFW World Television Championship, and letting out an animalistic "UGHNNN!," as he reaches the edge of the set. The fans reply with a collective "UGHNNN!" of their own, cheering and applauding. Joe moves to the center of the stage, and, with a microphone in hand, stares down at the two men in the ring with disdain. He does NOT look pleased. His music cuts out, and Joe is left standing, surveying the situation.)

JTP: "What do we have 'ere? Some kinda party? Some kinda… celebration?"

(QUICK CUTTO: Steve Knox, shrugging, and then nodding, in the middle of the ring. CUTTO: Joe, scratching his lice-infested scalp, chuckling to himself.)

JTP: "That's funny, real funny! Miles comes on out 'ere and publicly strokes the ego of Steve 'Roll-'a-Dimes' Cocks! Yee-haw! Aren't we all so privileged to be in the company of Steve f(BLEEP!)in' Knox! The 'Elite' Champion, as he would *like* to be called!"

(Joe mockingly bows repeatedly in an "I'm Not Worthy"-type fashion. He stands up straight, again, turns, and spits on the floor dismissively.)

JTP: "Bulls(BLEEP!)t, if you ask me! 'Elite?' Please! Give me a f(BLEEP!)in' break!"

(CLOSEUP: Joe's face contorted in disgust.)

JTP: "What've you done to deserve the title of 'Elite,' huh? You beat a few small-time bums on a few small-time shows, and suddenly you're 'ELITE?' Nuh-uh, son! I'll tell ya what makes you 'Elite'… Holdin' a championship belt for sixteen straight months and counting makes you 'Elite!' Beatin' everyone put in front of you, week after week, for months on end, without ducking a single person,. makes you 'Elite!' You, Steve Knox, are NOT elite! You're a nobody in my eyes! Practically invisible if not for your holier-than-thou stench and by-the-numbers promos! Your fans are a bunch of annoying f(BLEEP!)in' kids that think spending their parents' forty bucks on an "AWESOME" tee-shirt makes them cool! MY demographic would bully or sexually molest YOUR demographic! My fans didn't have a childhood! They didn't play in any f(BLEEP!)in' sandbox, or have a collection of action figures! They never played marbles in the dirt with their pals! They were too f(BLEEP!)in' busy robbin' old ladies and bustin' out windows! Havin' brick-fights with one another! Straight not givin' a ****! Like I said: You're invisible to me. Your accomplishments nonexistent. And never mind the fact that my vision is a bit f(BLEEP!)ed up at the moment from the blunt I smoked backstage before coming out here, I can see right through you! You're SCARED of me, just like everyone else in the NFW locker room! I instill fear in my opponents because *I am* -- I repeat *I am* -- the 'Elite Champion' in this, and any other, fed in pro-wrastlin' today! And I'm gonna prove that tonight when I whoop Kin Hiroshi's yellow ass, and then Nova's, one more time, at SUPERCrash! I'll soon be the first double champion in NFW history! The Sucka-Free f(BLEEP!)in' Bouse, an immortal for all-time! A legend! The greatest wrastler ever! Period!"

(Joe pauses for a second to allow a smirk to form, pinning the corners of his mouth, and displaying a few of his disgusting baked bean teeth.)

"But… you know what? Three's a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT better than two… even if the third is kind of worthless… so why don't you MAN THE F(BLEEP!) UP AND GIVE THE GREASY BEAST A SHOT AT YOUR TITLE, THE SAME WAY I DID FOR YOU BACK AT WRESTLESTOCK II!"

(The "Workin' Man" raises the microphone up over his head in order to pick up the response of the crowd, which is a bit of a mixed reaction. It seems the fans don't appreciate the slandering of their hero Steve Knox by Joe.)

JTP: "KNOX VERSUS JOE, COME ON! LET'S DO IT, FELLA! LET'S GET 'R DONE!"

(This time the crowd EXPLODES for the potential match-up between two of NFW's biggest and most decorated stars.)

JTP: "Or would Miles, that snake-in-the-grass f(BLEEP!)in' faggot-ass Jew, rather I clear out my division ONE MORE TIME before I start gettin' what I deserve? I mean, I had to stomp everyone in the gawddamn f(BLEEP!)in' fed out before you finally decided to give me some much as an opportunity to earn a shot at the NFW World Heavyweight Title! I know, I know, I don't fit the 'Wrestling Revolution' model, am I right? My belly's too big? My ass' too smelly? Hair's a bit too tangled and greasy? Not enough of it? I guess I should be punished for having a receding hairline and bad skin, right? Simply put, like my boy Rodney Dangerfield, I can't get no respect!"

(Joe flips both of them off, then reaches around and pulls his trusty toilet plunger out from the back pocket of his overalls. He holds it up to his eye line, clutching its handle with his meaty, calloused paws.)

JTP: "Seems your average person doesn't like having the sh(BLEEP!)t-caked head of this 'ere plunger suctioned to their face… Go figure."

(Joe shrugs.)

JTP: "This is how I get my respect. I come at motherf(BLEEP!)ers like Leatherface! Chasin' you down in the woods, wherever you wanna run! I'll find ya! My point is, you cannot exclude me from title contention! All "Sorry, I'm busy, schedule's full" -- whatta fag! That's a b(BLEEP!)h move! Gimme the gawddamn title already! Knox, you're f(BLEEP!)in' Balls McGee! A f(BLEEP!)in' GARBAGE MAN, f(BLEEP!)in' slangin' garbage bags all day, everyday! Put down the garbage bags and MAN UP! You'll find out that Ol' Joe's game is sick and twisted! I know I intimidate you! You wanna climb into my pants and seek refuge underneath my ball sack! But I'm all "Uh, just put 'em in your mouth like usual, and we'll discuss living arrangements in the morning." I *say* that, but I don't *mean* that! I'm a nasty son of a b(BLEEP!)h! I kick a whore out of bed after violating her virgin asshole WITHOUT lube! No doubt, that's for real, baby boi! It's `bout time you faced a REAL challenger! `Cause, as it stands, I'm the only one who holds a victory over you. So like Nova, you're time's up, and my time's NOW, b(BLEEP!)h! Come on, whaddaya say! Let's do it! One-on-one! After I dispose of that fag Nova at SUPERCrash, you and I'll cross swords, and I'll EAT… YOU… ALIVE!"

(The microphone lowers, and Joe effectively puts an exclamation point on his long, meandering, and maniacal tirade by snarling a resounding "UGHNNN!" one more time.)

(Steve Knox pauses for a short minute, before he reaches into his pocket and pulls out what appears to be a roll of Mentos.)

KNOX: "Breath mint?"

(Joe glares at Knox, but before he has a chance to say anything...)

"I got a thing…you got a thing…everybody's got a thing…"

(MUSICUP - "I Got A Thing" by Funkadelic)

(The crowd POPS~! something NASTY as the heavy, somber funk tune rolls out of the PA system. As he's standing in the center of the entrance ramp, Joe looks around feverishly for any sign of the EAGLEstar. Sections of fans begin swaying to the infectious P-Funk rhythms, and another round of cheers go up as a spotlight shoots down on the far left corner of the entrance ramp, where NOVA sits dangling his legs over the edge, still clad in swim trunks and body paint. Joe jumps backward and then re-asserts himself, balling his fists and blowing a wad of snot onto the stage. Nova spares a glance for the men gathered in the ring, then a look over at Joe, and finally a scanning glance around the audience.)

NOVA: (Taking a drag) "True story. I was outside on a balcony with my travel bong, and I had spent like fifteen minutes crumbling up this UBER-funky weed into the slide, when I was struck by the horrific realization that I must have dropped my lighter whilst giving chase to the worst export from Asia since bird flu - Kin Hiroshi. So there I sat, sober as a stone, wondering how I was gonna remedy my situation…and then Joe the Plumber started talking, and I swear to you - each of you - I looked up into the sky, and I saw the ozone layer directly over Daytona start to burn away in outward-moving concentric circles, allowing for a small beam of unfiltered light to shoot down and ignite my bong-slide, giving me the tastiest rip I've had in well over a week." (Looks over to Joe) "So thanks, Joseph…I'm high as a f(BLEEP!)ing KITE right now."

JTP: (Grabbing his crotch) "I got some SPF 2000 for ya right HURR! HAW HAW HAW!!!"

NOVA: (Wagging a finger at him) "You. I'll come back to you." (Pointing to Knox) "Congratulations, Knoxville. You did what we all knew you were quite capable of doing. Maybe now the other promotions will stop treating the Frontier like a cute retarded cousin who says shit nobody can understand."

(The crowd roars for the home-fed props, igniting an "EN-EFF-DUB! EN-EFF-DUB!" chant that gathers steam until…)

NOVA: "BUT! But…it bears mentioning that while you might be certifiably 'Elite'..." (Gesturing around with one arm) "…in THIS place, within THESE walls, *I* am the King of the Mother-F(BLEEP!)in' Mountain."

(A mixed reaction from the crowd, cheers from Season Two loyalists and Counter-Revolutionaries, along with a smattering of jeers from converts to the Church of Awesomeness.)

NOVA: "That said, you earned it, and while you have it, I won't come after it. I hope you keep doing what you're doing, and also that you appreciate the eight years of history YOU represent to the "outside world," certainly a world more open to the Frontier's brand of madness than it used to be."

(Knox shrugs and nods, cinching his hold on the Elite Championship. Nova's eyes shift from him to Miles, whose grin suggests how entertained he is by all this. The EAGLEstar offers him a nod, and then turns back to Joe, who would probably be asleep on his feet right now without the hunger pangs in his stomach for crack cocaine.)

NOVA: "Awww, whuzzamatta, Joe? Had to go a WHOLE YEAR without getting your wang dobbed by the administration?" (Lighting a fresh cigarette) "Yes sir, I bet all the s(BLEEP!)t-mopping in the whole world doesn't make you feel as dirty as knowing that nobody upstairs gives a good goddamn about what JOE wants, not while they can just slap your ugly mug on t-shirts, posters, and - God help me how THESE sell - lunchboxes. Go to hell with your complaining, Joseph, I've got that market cornered even while I sit in the Daddy Chair lovin' life. I was earning my spot at the top of the Frontier YEARS AGO, while you were still holed up somewhere in the Dust Belt, pouring a spoonful of motor oil on Big Bill Judo's c(BLEEP!)k to help the medicine go down."

JTP: (Stomping up and down) "THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO!! Huffin' gasoline'll rob ANYBODY 'a their senses! Mmmm, BOY! The higher the octane, the HIGHER OL' JOE gets and the sweeter that precious truck-stop 'tang tastes! Mmmm, gimme that 91! F(BLEEP!)it ma', GIMME THE 94 LIKE A REAL BOUSE!"

KNOX: "Ummm, hello? Nothing awesome happening on the entrance ramp. This is MY victory celebration!"

Nova swings his legs around and stands up. The fans begin cheering as he walks across the entrance ramp to within a few feet of Joe.)

NOVA: "No, no. Nobody's stallin' out on olllll' Joe. In fact, you're right on time - IF you can clear the hurdle of a delusional baking-obsessed Japanese cold sore. See, I remember ANOTHER undefeated NFW champion who got Fifteen in the Sun from Mgmt., and she left Crash 46 with the same belt she rode in with! When the dust settled Teresa Q. was one loss wiser and I was still World Heavyweight Champion, and if you see the other side of Kin Hiroshi, Joe, that's exactly what's gonna happen to you. Twenty-five guys got NOTHIN' on me, 'cuz none of 'em wanted to take the TV Title away from your bloated waist as bad I want to KEEP the World Heavyweight Championship around mine. The Plumber or the Muffin Man, I don't care, I'll send you both packing. And I'll do the same to whoever they line up after that."

(Nova steps away from Joe, directing his gaze back into the ring.)

NOVA: "Who knows?" (Pointing at Knox) "Maybe it'll be YOU."

(The EAGLEstar drops his mic, spares another smirk at Joe, and walks back through the curtain. QUICK CUTTO: CRAIG MILES entering the ring as STEVE KNOX and JOE stare at him as he grabs the mic. MILES waves at the crowd to quiet down, then points at JOE.)

MILES: “Did you just call me a f*ggot-(BLEEP!) jew?”

(The crowd gets LOUD as JOE starts nodding in approval and yelling obscenities. He stops short as MILES pounds his pointed index finger into his chest.)

MILES: “I want you to go to the Koopa’s locker room right now…and CLEAN HIS TOILET.”

(The crowd starts booing! MILES doesn’t even stop as JOE tries to interject. KNOX shudders and says “Good luck, buddy.”)

MILES: “Or I will FIRE YOU RIGHT NOW.”

(The crowd remains loud as JOE and MILES are now locked in a staredown.)

MILES: “No JOB. NO TV TITLE. NO SARS. NO NOVA. NO MONEY. NO FOOD. I will count to TEN and you will make that turtle freak’s sh(BLEEP!)tank as sparkling as Howie Mandel’s skull. ONE…TWO…”

O’CONNOR (V/O) “He can’t be serious…”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Oh he’s DEAD SERIOUS right now Beanfry!”

(CUTTO: JOE looking out to the crowd for advice as they start screaming loudly as MILES continues counting. With a sullen sink of the head, JOE nods and exits the ring and leaves the ring. The crowd starts chanting “JOE! JOE! JOE!” as the Plumber looks back at MILES who screams back “FIVE!” As JOE heads up the ramp, MILES watches him the whole way until he’s backstage.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “I’m a little in shock right now, this whole opening to the show has taken the weirdest left turn I could’ve possibly expected.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Miles is turning back towards Knox and I don’t think the Elite boy thinks it feels too awesome.”

(CLOSE-UP: MILES pacing around KNOX who adjusts the Elite Championship slung over his shoulder, albeit looking a little nervous under the silver sunglassed stare.)

MILES: “Y’know, I invited some contenders from the PRIMETIME to show up and shut you up. Unfortunately, we have someone dressed like an elf backstage and that’s about it. Let’s face it, none of those federations would want to step within two feet of NFW. (MILES’ grin widens) Which is why I’ve invited their chosen #1 contender to SUPERCrash 2. (LOUD ROARS!) Where you WILL defend that Elite Championship no matter what happens later tonight.”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “OH MY! An Elite Championship match at NFW SUPERCrash 2…it looks like NFW is putting their money where their mouth is!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “And its not around a crackpipe for once!”

(MILES drops the mic with a thud, while the crowd goes wild in the background. As we FADEOUT, you can see KNOX mutter two words: “Awwwwww crap.”)

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

And So it Begins

(FADEIN: A black and white camera shot of a locker room, where TERESA QUARANTA is looking at her locker room wall. The HAIL DISCORDIA! Logo is spraypainted on the wall, but streaked over in blood red reads 22:20. Underneath, it reads “ Thou shall not follow false idols or follow lost prophets but then again some of us just want to watch the world burn right?”)

QUARANTA: (shaking her head dismissively) “Stupid little children.”

(FADETOBLACK)

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton

(FADEIN: The crowd standing in unison and booing LOUDLY as ‘Going to California’ by Sevendust is blaring over the speakers, while red carpet lights are swirling around the starry sky. QUICK CUTTO: THE HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW standing on the entrance ramp looking at the crowd in disgust. QUICK CUTTO: DC STRATTON pacing back and forth in the ring.)

O’CONNOR: “WELCOME BACK FANS! DC Stratton wasted no time getting down to ringside during the break, but as per usual…he’s waiting…I’m sorry, maybe I should say SALIVATING at the chance to destroy Blaine Hollywood.”

H’WOOD: “Well, you’re mistaken Beanfry because we know that DC Stratton is one of the longest tenured human beings not checked for prevalent rabies. You saw what happened the last time these two got in the ring! HE BIT MY SON!”

O’CONNOR: “Well, we’ve got a cage match scheduled between two of the most heated rivals in New Frontier Wrestling. Although, it seems that your son isn’t exactly enthr—oh sweet moses, why is Calvin getting a microphone?”

H’WOOD: “I’m sure its to educate this crowd on the finer things in life, you should get your wife to listen Beanfry…lord knows she’s spent more time mud wrestling than cooking you dinner.”

(CUTTO: CALVIN CARLTON holding up a microphone to his lips, as he holds his racket in the air.)

CARLTON: “Y’know, considering my heritage and dedication to the Southern Confederacy over the last five years…(LOUD BOOS!) The least you sycophants can do is stand up and applaud the GREATEST WRESTLING TAG TEAM of the 21st CENTURY!”

(The crowd gets even louder in their hate as MALIK, BLAINE and CALVIN hold up their arms only to look on in shock at the disrespect they’re getting.)

H’WOOD: “After all Calvin’s done for the South, this is the thanks he gets!?”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I doubt Frankie Fargo or Brandon Mueller or Joey Melton feel the same way!”

H’WOOD: “…heretics.”

(CUTTO: BLAINE grabs the microphone from CALVIN CARLTON and points towards the ring.)

HOLLYWOOD: “I bet you’re enjoying this Stratton! See, I’m not surprised that you’d have all the rednecks and senile senior citizens of this state all congregating to let loose their HATRED on HOLLYWOOD. (LOUD BOOS!) I serve this society how EYE see fit, Stratton…if that means horse collaring your wide-open legged girlfriend and breaking her back, so she doesn’t lay on it for her ONE-MILLIONTH customer that’s FINE by ME!”

(QUICK CUTTO: STRATTON being restrained by the referee from leaving the ring, while the crowd starts hurtling trash at the HWC…)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “This is just going great.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I agree!”

HOLLYWOOD: “See, that’s fine that you all can throw your 32 oz. Sonic Shakes five feet over my head. Its not my fault this state is swarming with a strong enough stench of Skoal and Geritol that you people have become so idiotic, you can’t even punch a hole in a chad!”

CARLTON: (trying to grab the mic) “Blaine…no, bad idea…”

HOLLYWOOD: (ripping the mic back) “Cal, relax…its not like any of these people can run two feet at us without puking up an early bird special from Denny’s…Florida’s always been the greasy armpit stain of the South!”

(All of a sudden the lights go pitch black everywhere! The crowd starts roaring! The HWC look around confused, Blaine focusing on the fact that his mic has been cut off.)

…

(MUSICUP: ‘VOODOO CHILE’ – Jimi Hendrix and the Band of Gypsies! The crowd MARKS out!)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “NO! NO! I FORGOT BEANFRY! I FORGOT HE’S FLORIDA’S FAVORITE SON!”

(CUTTO: EL PRESIDENTE EDDIE MAYFIELD flanked by COJONES MERCARDO and the NFW Insurgent Security, standing right behind the Hollywood Wrecking Crew as the lights blast full-on red out of the STARtron. Each and every one of them in their NFW fatigues and boots.)

MAYFIELD: (waving off the festivities) “Cut the music! Cut the music!”

(MAYFIELD storms towards the HWC, CAL starts backpedaling frantically while MALIK and BLAINE stand tall…not exactly understanding what’s going on.)

HOLLYWOOD: “Mister President, I believe you are out here to cancel this ma—“

(MAYFIELD gets mere inches from BLAINE’s face, the entrance into his ‘comfort’ zone making him pause in mid-sentence. EDDIE grabs the microphone out of his hand, giving a “You don’t mind, do you?” half-smirk as he does so. MAYFIELD pulls out one of his presidential cigars and sticks it in his craw, patiently waiting until RAUL scurries out from behind the Insurgents to light it.)

MAYFIELD: (nodding) “I had a little guilty pleasure of liking you, Blaine…you were the first wrestler I’d seen since the 1950’s that figured out 78 different synonyms for trailor-park trash. You’re smart, kid…but sometimes you get a little ‘too smart,’ if you catch my drift. See, I happen to be a man born in the state of Florida.”

(CUTTO: The crowd chanting “YOU FUNK’D UP!” as BLAINE starts looking at them with a confused and angry glare.)

MAYFIELD: “See, its easy for you to FORGET the history of this sport and those providing these moments for you when you ride on the coattails of a father who will always love me MORE than you as a WRESTLING HEEL.”

(The crowd gives one of those “BURN!” ooooh’s as BLAINE looks incredulously at them in response.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Say something Lamont!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Uhh…err…”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “THAT’S YOUR SON OUT THERE!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “AND MY BOSS! (mutters quietly) And who I pay $4.95 monthly to be in his fanclub. (/mutter)”

(BLAINE takes a step towards MAYFIELD, but MALIK puts his hand on his shoulder to stop him as several Insurgents step forward. BLAINE realizing the numbers and situation, gulps deeply but keeps a hardened stare at MAYFIELD. MAYFIELD gives a tip of his Guevarra cap to MALIK and takes a thoughtful inhale on the cigar.)

MAYFIELD: “You know what I smell right now, Blaine?”

(MAYFIELD sniffs the air)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Can he smell what Bonnie Mayfield’s cooking…oh, who am I kidding!? IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT BONNIE MAYFIELD IS COOKING!”

MAYFIELD: “I smell BLOOD in the WATER, Blaine. I think you’ve been trying to put this match on hold because you’re afraid of a 200 pound emocidal freak has something on you. And to try and duck him again, Blaine…well, that’s just not very PROFESSIONAL. (crowd pop!) And since I know every trick in the book…”

(MAYFIELD pauses and points out CARLTON trying to sneak through the crowd, COJONES takes after him and drags him away from the barricade, where fans are pushing him back towards the entrance ramp.)

MAYFIELD: “See, when there’s blood in the water…you know what comes after that, Blaine? SHARKS. And right now, I think that’s very fitting as you wrestle in that cage with DC Stratton OR forfeit your titles…”

(BLAINE freaks out and makes a motion towards MAYFIELD, but holds his hands up and apologize as several Insurgents immediately charge and grasp him.)

MAYFIELD: “…while your PARTNER and MANAGER hang in a SHARK CAGE above the ring!”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “IS HE KIDDING!?”

(The crowd EXPLODES! QUICK CUTTO: A crane carrying a huge shark cage towards the ringside area as the crowd completely MARKS! QUICK CUTTO: MALIK ANDERSON throwing aside Insurgents who are trying to get him down to ringside as CARLTON gets dragged down!)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “This is awful, Beanfry! Blaine didn’t know about Eddie’s lineage, he never had the chance to apologize!”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “We’re in some weird twilight zone ‘cause I’m LIKING what Eddie Mayfield just did! Security is having way too hard of a time trying to get Malik Anderson to ringside…its been well-documented that he hasn’t dealt with some certain HIGH spots.”

(CLOSEUP: The ringside area, where technicians are putting the final touches on the open roof steel cage, while MALIK and CARLTON are finally shoved into ringside. MERCADO is leading the force, ANDERSON glaring at him then his chair. HOLLYWOOD is giving MAYFIELD some guff on the entrance ramp, while more Insurgents make sure he’s walking down to the ring where officials are still restraining STRATTON. CUTTO: O’CONNOR and H’WOOD at ringside, both shaking their heads in different phases of disbelief.)

H’WOOD: “Nothing about this seems right, Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “I’ll say this much, but maybe DC Stratton’s 2001 War Games roots are playing a soft little heartstring in Eddie Mayfield’s chest because I’ve never seen him do anything somewhat honorable like this.”

H’WOOD: “I’m…I’m in shock.”

(CLOSEUP: CARLTON getting thrown in the shark cage, while maybe a double-digit number of Insurgents are trying to push MALIK in while he butterflies his arms around the doorway to stop them.)

O’CONNOR: “LOOK OUT! (SFX: THWACK! Crowd groans!) MERCADO WITH A CHAIRSHOT! MALIK tumbles into the cage and now Blaine Hollywood and DC Stratton are set to do battle…Insurgents are finally clearing out of Stratton’s way, WAIT LOOK OUT! (CROWD GROANS!) BLAINE’S ATTACKING STRATTON FROM BEHIND! HE SNUCK IN WITH A CLOTHESLINE! (LOUD BOOS!) Blaine’s stomping him!”

H’WOOD: “I’m torn, Beanfry! What a move, but this situation still reeks and Malik may kill Calvin in that cage out of insanity!”

(CUTTO: The crowd pumping their fists in the air as the shark cage gets carried high into the air, Malik going spastically insane and causing the thing to wobble! CARLTON digs into his suit pocket and pull out a bottle of pills…)

O’CONNOR: “Blaine Hollywood, the second generation tag team champion is stomping a hole through Stratton right now! He’s turned him over and OH! (boos!) He just slapped him in the face!”

(CUTTO: MALIK pushing off CARLTON as the manager tries to stuff some pills into his mouth, which causes them to fall to the mat! BLAINE immediately notices and picks some of them up and starts shoving them into STRATTON’s mouth while screaming, “Let me show you how your mother tried to kill herself right after having you!”)

O’CONNOR: “Oh, that’s just wrong.”

H’WOOD: “And I thought it was well-documented.”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s spitting out the pills, but watch out! (groans!) Vicious stomp by Blaine, who’s in the Oxonian crested white trunks. Blaine brings him up and nails a vicious uppercut to Stratton’s grill which sends him staggering away into the cage. Here comes Blaine! (CROWD SCREAMS!) OH NO! OH NO! BLAINE RAKING DC’S FACE ACROSS THE CAGE LIKE WINDSHIELD WIPERS!”

H’WOOD: “Even against all these odds, we’re going to see my boy make history tonight Beanfry! Against all odds, against Eddie Mayfield’s odds, he’s going to show everyone that he’s the greatest wrestler to walk into this godless place!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s already busted open, Malik Anderson still hasn’t calmed down up there and I won’t be surprised if Cal vomits out the side. Look out! Blaine with a high knee into the back of DC Stratton’s shoulder and he gets sent flying into the opposite side cage wall! Don’t forget that right shoulder of DC Stratton has been severely injured over the last few months by this man!”

H’WOOD: “That’s a bold-faced lie! He injured it trying to end my son’s career!”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine has DC by the hair and starts waxing him back and forth Miyagi style against the cage again…whirls him around…(LOUD BOOS!) Oh c’mon! He just slapped him across the face, why does your son do that!?”

H’WOOD: “He’s educating the lower class on the chance of Barack Obama winning the presidency under our watch.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine has DC by the hair and look out! (groans!) He just rammed him shoulderfirst into the turnbuckles – he’s got him by the seat of pants and does it again! Stratton yelping in pain, trying to hold his shoulder and Blaine turns him around…and now he’s got that arm wrapped around the ropes and is tugging on it! DC with a right hand response, but Blaine buries a knee to the gut…and follows that up with a nasty uppercut! Blaine’s got DC by the arm and whips him across the ring, look out! (LOUD CHEERS!) NOBODY HOME! BLAINE EATS THE BUCKLES AND TURNS AROUND INTO A RIGHT HAND! ANOTHER RIGHT HAND! (MORE CHEERS!) DROPKICK BY STRATTON!”

H’WOOD: “Someone check him for loaded boots!”

O’CONNOR: “DC climbs up the turnbuckles and he’s pounding away on Blaine’s head, listen to these fans Lamont!”

H’WOOD: “They’re savage animals!”

O’CONNOR: (w/crowd) “FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEV—UH-OH! (crowd buzzes!) Blaine’s carrying him out, Inverted Atomic Dr—NO! (cheers!) DC leaps away and catches Hollywood with another dropkick! Blaine back in the corner, but here comes DC! (cheers!) Monkey Fl—NO! Blaine landed on his feet! WHAT ATHLETICISM!”

H’WOOD: “You can only learn that trick in Oxford gymnastics!”

O’CONNOR: “DC kips up, but he’s in the line of fire! CLOTHESLI—NO! DC ducked and Blaine just ricocheted off the cage wall! SPINNING LEG LARIAT BY STRATTON! He’s not even going for the pin! He’s just pounding Blaine with right hands to the temple!”

H’WOOD: “Wait, nobody said how you win this match!”

O’CONNOR: “I believe its only by pinfall or submission since the Suicide Kings camp was certain Blaine would try to escape early and often.”

H’WOOD: “He’s a smart wrestler, that’s why!”

O’CONNOR: “Referee Bruce Phillips just has to maintain some semblance of order, but as with all cage matches in NFW…you really aren’t going to get reprimanded for heavy-handed brawling tactics.”

H’WOOD: “Which is why my son didn’t want this match in the first place, its an outrage to wrestle like simians!”

O’CONNOR: “Shh, we banned that word since Yori left.”

H’WOOD: “Oh right, sorry.”

O’CONNOR: “DC’s now got Blaine by the hair and on his feet…and now he better watch out! (LOUD CHEERS!) INTO THE CAGE! AGAIN! (MORE CHEERS!) HE’S RAPID FIRING BLAINE’S SKULL INTO IT!”

H’WOOD: “But he’s got a Nivea for Oxford Men commercial tomorrow!”

O’CONNOR: (w/crowd) “SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN! Stratton lets go and he’s letting Blaine teeter and totter around the ring, but look at DC’s face…he’s NOT smiling even with this crowd roaring – he’s got a SOUL determination to possibly end your son’s career!”

H’WOOD: “That will NOT happen, my boy takes after his old man and he’s got something up his sleeve you rest assured!”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine leaning against the other side of the cage in a complete daze and I doubt that’s where he wants to be right now! DC has him by the hair, both men are already cut open…OH BOY! (more cheers!) WAX ON, WAX OFF! WAX ON, WAX OFF! Payback is a certain B-I-T-C-H!”

H’WOOD: “Watch your language, Beanfry! This is F(BLEEP!)ING ridiculous that’s what this is!”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine Hollywood is bleeding like a stuck pig, Stratton’s no better…and we’re not even ten minutes into this match! DC with a boot to the gut, he’s got Blaine doubled over and hooks him…SUPLEX BY STRATTON! He’s still got him hooked and rolls him up to his feet, what a feat by the 200-pounder…LOOK OUT! He just turned him out of the suplex position into a spinning neckbreaker down to the mat! What innovation by one-half of the Suicide Kings!”

H’WOOD: “He’s a surly, jealous and poor former drug addict that’s only playing into the palms of an elite wrestler that just happens to be my son, so don’t claim I’m biased!”

O’CONNOR: “When has anyone ever done that?”

H’WOOD: “Shutup Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, your son may be in more trouble than he’s bargaining for…(crowd starts buzzing) ‘cause Stratton is starting to climb the cage!”

(CLOSEUP: STRATTON climbing the cage with his back turned to the shark cage, where ANDERSON is sitting huddled in the corner rocking back and forth. CARLTON is trying to talk some sense into him, when the crowd cheers alert him to DC. CARLTON immediately freaks and starts panicking…)

O’CONNOR: “Look at Calvin’s face, I love it! Stratton climbing the cage and (CROWD SCREAMS!) WHAT THE DEUCE! CALVIN DROPPED HIS RACKET TO THE MAT! IT LANDED NEAR BLAINE AND HE’S GOT IT!”

H’WOOD: “GENIUS! JUST COMPLETELY GENIUS!”

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) “DC DIDN’T SEE IT! HE’S ON TOP OF THE CAGE, BLAINE IS STANDING UP! STRATTON FLIES! (SFX: THWACK! LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOO!”

H’WOOD: “YESSSSSSSS! BWAHAHAHA!”

O’CONNOR: “DC WENT FOR THE AXEHANDLE, BUT ATE A NADAL OVERHEAD SMASH! Sweet Christmas, that racket’s all bent out of shape and DC Stratton is lolly-gagging around the ring…LOOK OUT! (SFX: THWACK! THWACK!) OH NO! Blaine’s beating DC’s bad shoulder with the racket! Phillips rips away the weapon, but the damage is done! Stratton on the mat…and oh boy, STEP OVER ANDERSON ARMBAR! One of the most basic, yet destructive moves to a shoulder in the wrestling ring!”

H’WOOD: “Its not pretty, its not like Stratton flipping around like a maniac on speed! This is how you WRESTLE, Beanfry…and just like my son said on television, he is going to TEAR APART this freak!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton in an intense amount of pain in the ring as Blaine Hollywood is smacking talk, walking the walk and trying to rip the shoulder out of DC’s socket!”

H’WOOD: “And that’s why he’s the champion and Stratton is the chump.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine hunkered down on Stratton, yelling to give it up amongst other things…DC’s in a lot of pain, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “It’ll only hurt more if he doesn’t give it up soon!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton fighting up to his feet (cheers!) He could be turning this around, OH C’MON! (LOUD BOOS!) With a violent tug of the hair, Blaine takes DC back down to the mat, reapplies and cinches in that armbar once more. Nothing like using some family tactics in the ring.”

H’WOOD: “I’ve used the same tactic on your wife twice and she enjoyed it…”

O’CONNOR: “DC Stratton now trying to make his way towards the ropes to break this hold, but I’m almost certain there’s damage already done to that shoulder which was reportedly separated last month at Crash 45.”

H’WOOD: “Well, this is going to become permanent!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s got the ropes! (cheers!) He’s got the ropes, but NO! (boos!) Blaine just dragged him back to the middle of the ring by the hair and kicked him in the head! (more boos!) Blaine locks in the armbar ag—(LOUD CHEERS!) OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! ITS RAYNE! ITS RAYNE!”

(QUICK CUTTO: RAYNE running out wearing an R.I.S.D. t-shirt, jeans and a Halo Vest around her head and neck area – her eyes are welling up, she’s looking desperate and frantic…)

O’CONNOR: “She’s not even supposed to be in this state tonight, let alone the show!”

H’WOOD: “Well, apparently prostitution has been made legal in this state so she was cleared to show up.”

O’CONNOR: “What is she doing!?”

(CUTTO: Fans going bonkers as Rayne starts scaling the cage wall! QUICK CUTTO: CARLTON shaking the cage in anger, which causes MALIK to freak out from the swaying!)

O’CONNOR: “This place is in pure pandemonium, I’ve never seen anything like this! This poor girl is possibly risking her life for the man she loves…she’s trying to get over the top and OH NO! (CROWD SCREAMS!) BLAINE CAUGHT HER IN THE CORNER OF HIS EYE! HE’S RACING TOWARDS THE CAGE!”

H’WOOD: “THIS COULD BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST NIGHT IN NFW HISTORY!”

(CUTTO: CARLTON plunging a needle into MALIK’s back as he’s trying to pull the shark cage door apart! MALIK’s eyes cross and he faints.)

H’WOOD: “Ok, maybe not for him.”

O’CONNOR: (over more screams!) “NO! NOOO! HE’S CLIMBING UP AND HE’S GOT HER BY THE HALO AND NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! BOOS!) BLAINE JUST FLIPPED RAYNE INTO THE RING! THAT COULD REINJURE HER SPINE!”

H’WOOD: “I’m wiping away tears, Beanfry. Its like a painting masterpiece…a magical sonnet…I couldn’t be more proud of my son right now. All that’s left is watching Stratton tap in front of this broad.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine getting ready to stomp Ray—WHAT THE HELL!?!? (LOUD EXPLOSION!) STRATTON JUST RUSHED UP AND SPEARED BLAINE! HE’S ALL OVER HIM!”

H’WOOD: “NONONONONONO!”

O’CONNOR: “HE’S GONE COMPLETELY RABID! Right hand! Left hand! Right! Left! Right! NO! (boos!) Blaine with a thumb to the eye and Stratton staggers up, here comes Blaine! (LOUD ROARS!) DROP TOEHOLD BY STRATTON INTO THE TURNBUCKLES! LOOK OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWT! JUMPING SPRINGBOARD DOUBLE STOMP TO THE HEAD! Blaine’s face just got smashed against Stratton’s boots and the turnbuckles! Are you freaking kidding me!!? Stratton’s lost it, he’s tearing at his hair right now looking at Rayne’s who’s hurt!”

H’WOOD: “What the hell is going on, Beanfry!? Its like this kid just flipped a switch out of nowhere!”

O’CONNOR: “Its called LOVE, HONOR AND RESPECT!”

H’WOOD: “I wouldn’t know of any of those things you speak of!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s got Blaine up in a slam position, OOF! (cheers!) STOMACHBREAKER! Blaine’s rolling around the mat like he’s on fire and look at Stratton’s bloodied face, I swear to god this kid might try and kill your son!”

H’WOOD: “Well, then someone better call up Animal Control!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton has Blaine by the hair and whiplashes a chop across the chest as he stands him up! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! Blaine acting like he’s taking gunfire to the chest! Blaine backpedaling into the corner, making pleas to Stratton and holding up his hands in innocence…”

(CLOSEUP: STRATTON looking back to the unconscious RAYNE, then back at BLAINE who he spits blood into his face before kicking him in the gut!)

O’CONNOR: “Stratton unleashing a rapid fire barrage of kicks to Blaine’s gut! Now, he’s rapid firing shoulderblocks! I think he’s trying to make your son cough out his internal organs on WORLDWIDE television!”

H’WOOD: “I think I’m about to lose my lunch just by watching!”

O’CONNOR: “IRISH WHIP! (LOUD ROARS!) OHSWEETMOSES! He just whipped Blaine so hard he fell down and your son crashed chestfirst into the turnbuckles! Blaine staggering around, Stratton on his feet and he’s going for a DRAGON SUPL—NOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) THAT CHEAP SON OF A B—“

H’WOOD: “THAT’S MY SON, BEANFRY! AND THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!”

O’CONNOR: “HE JUST MULE KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS!”

H’WOOD: “And I said that was BEAUTIFUL, I meant that!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s hurt and OH! (boos!) Driving Elbow Drop to the back of his head by Blaine! And he’s back on his feet and OH GOD…he’s walking towards Rayne!”

(CUTTO: CALVIN screaming “BREAK HER BACK!” as MALIK sits in a corner, drooling on himself…his eyes lolling back.)

O’CONNOR: “OH DEAR GOD! HE JUST KICKED HER! (LOUD BOOS!) And he just SPIT ON HER! She’s got Blaine’s bloody spit all over her! Oh no! (SCREAMS!) Blaine’s dragging up a barely fighting Rayne to her feet! He’s going for the BACKCRACKER! HE’S LINING HER UP F—(LOUD EXPLOSION!) STRATTON WITH A ROLLUP FROM BEHIND! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRRRRRNO! (GROANS!) BLAINE ROLLS OUT! AND HE’S STEAMROLLING TOWARDS DC! (LOUD GROANS!) RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! STRATTON GOT FLIPPED OUT!”

H’WOOD: “HAHA! Maybe after that, him and Rayne can wear matching Halos!”

O’CONNOR: “You’re a sick, sick man…and so is your son! He’s smiling at Rayne…and he’s going back to that Anderson Armbar! Stratton screaming in violent pain, I think his shoulder has to be seriously injured!

(CUTTO: RAYNE getting to her feet in a daze, behind Blaine…all of a sudden, she starts detaching the HALO! The crowd starts going bonkers!)

O’CONNOR: “WAIT! WHAT IS GOING ON! COULD RAYNE BE FAKING HER INJURY!?!?”

H’WOOD: “THAT HARLOT!”

O’CONNOR: (OVER ROARS!) “OHHHHHHHHHH! SHE JUST BLASTED BLAINE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH IT! Blaine staggering around…”

H’WOOD: “STOP THE MATCH! STOP THE MATCH!”

O’CONNOR: (OVER MORE ROARS!) “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHE JUST HIT A RYAN HOWARD HOME RUN TO HIS FACE!”

(CUTTO: CALVIN CARLTON looking down like he’s seen a ghost, he starts frantically reloading up the needle he used to drug MALIK! QUICK CUTTO: RAYNE trying to revive DC as BLAINE starts crawling towards the ropes to pull himself up.)

O’CONNOR: “This match has taken so many left turns, I don’t know what to expect anymore!”

H’WOOD: “How about a stoppage because of this interference!”

O’CONNOR: “Calvin’s yelling at Blaine, and OH DEAR GOD! He just dropped that needle to the mat! (LOUD SCREAMS!) BLAINE AND RAYNE ARE DIVING FOR IT! It’s a rugby scrum (LOUD BOOS!) AND BLAINE HAS THE NEEDLE! HE’S GOT IT! Rayne’s scurrying away from him, but the man looks like he’s a Cheshire cat right now!”

H’WOOD: “Which does he stab Beanfry!? The possibilities are too enticing either way!”

O’CONNOR: “How can you say that!?”

H’WOOD: “Well c’mon, one of them should be put down for their diseases…haven’t you read about what the Humane Society does?”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine’s stalking towards Rayne licking his chops…WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) DC JUMPS ON HIS BACK FROM BEHIND, HE’S GOT BLAINE IN A SLEEPERHOLD! (LOUD CHEERS!) RAYNE WITH A LOW-BLOW, THE NEEDLE FLIES OUT OF BLAINE’S HANDS!”

(CUTTO: CARLTON freaking out in the shark cage, tripping over the sleeping ANDERSON!)

H’WOOD: “STOP THE MATCH! STOP THE MATCH!”

O’CONNOR: “Rayne’s got the needle! She’s got it! (LOUD ROARS!) SHE JUST SLAMMED IT INTO BLAINE’S SHOULDER!”

H’WOOD: “NOOOOOOOO! THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY!”

O’CONNOR: “There is nobody to blame, but Calvin Carlton for the mess your son now finds himself in! Blaine to a knee…(LOUD CHEERS!) DC releases the hold and Blaine falls facefirst on the mat! He’s out cold!”

H’WOOD: “Why isn’t Phillips stopping the match, I thought I paid him off with dinner last night!”

O’CONNOR: “You ordered him $200 of room service food that NFW doesn’t pay its referees for!”

H’WOOD: “Oh god.”

O’CONNOR: “DC’s dragging your son to the middle of the ring…and I don’t know what he’s planning, but this can’t be good! (LOUD CHEERS!) STRATTON IS CLIMBING THE CAGE! HE’S GOING TO ERADICATE BLAINE HOLLYWOOD!”

H’WOOD: “This is the end of excellence in tag team wrestling, Beanfry! We can’t let this piece of scum get away with this!”

O’CONNOR: “Stratton’s on the top of the cage, Rayne leading the crowd in chants of DC! Its taken eight years, but DC Stratton could finally propel himself in NFW to CHAMPION status at SuperCrash 2 IF…IF HE EN—WAIT! (LOUD SCREAMS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHD! STRATTON JUST JUMPED AND HE’S…HE’S…HE’S HANGING FROM THE SHARK CAGE!”

H’WOOD: “…what is going on Beanfry!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!”

O’CONNOR: “Calvin Carlton is trying to kick DC’s fingers, but the INHUMAN HIGHLIGHT REEL is pulling himself up and climbing anyway! He’s a man on a SUICIDE MISSION! …what can he be…OH MY GAHD! (CROWD: “PLEASE DON’T DIE! PLEASE DON’T DIE!) HE’S CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF THE SHARK CAGE!”

(CUTTO: RAYNE pleading with DC not to go through with this! She looks terrified at what could be the ending of his career! DC points to her, then his heart.)

O’CONNOR: “…I don’t think DC should do this, Lamont…no matter what your son has said he’s just about twenty feet in the air!”

H’WOOD: “I can’t even watch, this is INSANE! DC STRATTON HAS LOS—YES! YES!”

(CLOSEUP: The crowd freaking out as RAYNE lies down on BLAINE! STRATTON shakes his head with a smirk, then mouths “I love you” and closes his eyes. He jumps.)

O’CONNOR: “HOLY CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD FREAK OUT!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD! CORKSCREW SENTON BAHHHHHHHHHHHHMB! RAYNE DIVED OUT OF THE WAY! STRATTON CONNECTED ACROSS BLAINE’S STERNUM! DC ROLLING AROUND LIKE HE’S ON FIRE, GRASPING HIS SHOULDER!”

H’WOOD: “I…Blaine couldn’t protect himself…”

(CUTTO: CARLTON falling to his knees inside the shark cage, WIDE-EYED in awe of what’s just happened.)

O’CONNOR: “DC’S crawling towards Blaine with one arm! (LOUD CHEERS!) RAYNE’S HELPING HIM COVER BLAINE! HE’S ON TOP! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! … THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD ROARS! SFX: BELL RINGING!) DC STRATTON HAS PULLED OF A MAAAAAAAAAJOR UPSET! HE’S BEATEN BLAINE HOLLYWOOD WITH ONE OF THE MOST INSANE MOVES IN NFW HISTORY!”

(CUTTO: The shark cage lowering, paramedics rushing the scene with spineboards and security! QUICK CUTTO: LAMONT HOLLYWOOD running into the cage, worried for his son’s health. QUICK CUTTO: RAYNE sitting in the corner, crying.)

O’CONNOR: “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life, fans. Nothing can compare to the hatred these two men must have for each other now. Forget about the fact that DC Stratton has just earned a tag team title shot…’cause I don’t know if either of these two are going to be able to wrestle!”

(CUTTO: CARLTON yelling at the paramedics to treat BLAINE first, while in the background DC drags himself out of the grasp of everyone to start crawling towards RAYNE. She meets him halfway, a blubbering mess as DC collapses in her lap.)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t even know what to say fans…we’re going to take down the cage and try to regroup around here, because we’ve still got A LOT to go.”

(FADETOBLACK.)

Winner: DC Stratton

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Honk If You <3 Ridiculousness

(CUTTO: Outside the beach ‘arena’ in Daytona as the limousine of self-proclaimed disputed NFW World Heavyweight Champion KIN HIROSHI descends a circular ramp approaching the entranceway to the private parking area. CUTTO: HIROSHI inside the limo, legs kicked up on a seat opposite him, the NFW World Heavyweight Championship (man, that’s redundant to type twice in two sentences) lavished over his lap, beaming under the glow of, um, ceiling lights. Suddenly he’s jerked forward, splaying across the aisle.)

KIN HIROSHI: (Pulling himself up) “JESUS! What’s goin’ on up there? If you’re drunk, so help me God…”

(HIROSHI leans back in his chair, dusting himself off and grabbing the belt off the floor. He waits for a moment, then begins tapping his foot, then finally he looks out the window and knocks forcefully on the limo driver’s window.)

KIN HIROSHI: “Hey, asshole! You have to go INTO the parking lot! I’m not paying you a DIME without a secured parking spot and some help with my s(BLEEP!)t! Do you hear me?”

(The window slides open, and the driver turns his face around to the Muffin Man. He’s dripping sweat and his eyes are wide.)

DRIVER: “I-I can’t go any further, sir. There’s a…um, uh…”

HIROSHI: “Oh, for God’s sake, MOVE. I don’t give a s(BLEEP!)t if it’s Little Timmy’s golden doodle or Sally’s calico kitten, if I don’t see Mother Theresa hog-tied to Mahatmas-frickin’-Gandhi when I look out this window, you’re totally FU-uhhh…”

(KIN’s mouth drops as he stares out the window…at FLAMES, dancing off the lid of a wheelbarrow. CUTTO: NOVA, standing behind the Wheelbarrow of Fire, hands gripped firmly on the extruding wooden handlebars. His face is blank, and streaks of red paint dart from his cheekbones to the curvatures of his jaw-line. His chest is bare, save for a large red STAR finger-painted over his chest, shadowed imprecisely by others smeared with blue and yellow in the original’s outline. Other than a Ring-Pop on the ring finger of his left hand the only thing the EAGLEstar appears to be wearing is a pair of gaudy floral-print swim trunks. CUTTO: NOVA’s lips, mouthing a single phrase silently, over and over.)

NOVA: “Get out of the car.”

KIN HIROSHI: “Oh, F(BLEEP!)K this.”

(HIROSHI springs up into the front seat and presses his middle fingers against the windshield before leaping into the back seat as the Wheelbarrow of Fire spins through the air (DRIVER: “AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!”) and smashes into the windshield, spider-webbing the glass and bearing flame down on the unfortunate driver. CUTTO: NOVA walking with purpose around the side of the limousine. He approaches KIN’s door and reaches for the handle when the door is kicked open, slamming into him and knocking him backward. KIN springs out of the limo and grabs NOVA by the arm, yanking him up and slinging him against the concrete wall of the entranceway. Then HIROSHI dives back into the limo, grabs the NFW World Heavyweight Championship, and jumps back out, delivering a boot to NOVA’s chest before sprinting forward into the darkness towards the arena entrance doors.)

KIN HIROSHI: “IT’S MIIIIINNNNE!! WHOOOOOOO~!!!”

(NOVA stands up and gives himself a shake before retrieving the now-unlit wheelbarrow off the shattered windshield of the limousine. He tries to carry it with him as he gives chase to HIROSHI, but when it becomes cumbersome he abandons it in dramatic fashion, heaving it towards a parked supply truck.)

(FADETOBLACK.)

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Thou Shall Always Kill

The mysterious CCTV feed shows up once again, this time it’s a split screen of Rook Black and the Uber Judge… the Rev 22:20 logo is spray painted on both walls each with the identical message… “Only one can remain… we know the truth but which one sacrifice themselves for the greater good of reality… could it be the Judge or the Executioner?” Once again we fade to black…

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Chester Cheeseburger vs. KOOPA

As reported by VargaUnderground.com

Chester Cheeseburger comes out first and doesn't seem to happy to be in this match at all. He reaches the ring and climbs inside. Next out is Koopa Troopa. At this point the crowd is hoping that an asteroid smashes into the arena like out of the movies. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen so Koopa reaches the ring and pulls out a swtichblade.

The ref tries to get it from him but Koopa somehow sneaks away only to get tripped up by Cheeseburger! Chester then puts him in a STF! The crowd cheers that it might be over quickly but Koopa gets to the ropes.

Koopa then rolls out to the floor and Chester goes after him. Koopa grabs a cable and starts choking Chester with it! Chester uses his overpowering strength and pushes Koopa headfirst into the post!

Koopa staggers around as Chester comes up behind him and grabs him into the Million Dollar Dream! Koopa reaches out to try and get out of it but nothing is there. Koopa then sees the railing so he runs over and ducks sending Chester into the front row.

Koopa turns around and is met by James Varga. The crowd cheers as now Varga is kicking the Koopa’s ass. Varga grabs a chair and starts nailing Koopa with it. Varga nails Koopa in the back with but his shell blocks it. Koopa kicks Varga in the balls and security drags him away!

Koopa turns around and gets clocked by Chester who is armed with the ring bell. He nails Koopa in the head with it. Koopa topples over and Chester grabs a drink that he dumps on the turtle.

Chester then drinks so of the drink but thinks it’s disgusting so he spits it all over Koopa who coughs and gags over this happening. Chester pulls Koopa up and grabs him into a Fujiwara Armbar. Koopa hollers out in pain before reaching under the ring and grabbing a spiked shell. He then grabs Chester in the head with it!
Chester holds his head in pain and releases the hold.

Koopa staggers to his feet as the crowd wants blood at this point. Green blood like the type that comes from a turtle when it is cut open.

Koopa reaches under the ring again and pulls out a ladder. Koopa grabs it and then rams it into Chester’s head. Chester goes down but the idiot Koopa slips on the drink that was poured on him earlier and falls onto the ladder!

This allows Chester to recover and get to his feet. Koopa staggers up only to be pushed by Chester into the ringpost! Koopa staggers around again and Chester grabs him into a Crossface Chicken wing!

As much as he tries, Koopa cannot escape from the hold! Fortunately for him the floor is still slick from the earlier drink spillage and Chester slips. Both wrestler fall to the ground. Koopa up first and starts laying the boots into Chester who is winded from the shell hitting him in the chest.

Koopa pulls Chester to his feet and rolls him into the ring. Koopa then reaches under the ring and pulls out a toolbox. He then opens it up and pulls out a wrench. He then climbs in after Chester.

Chester however trips Koopa up and puts him in a bow and arrow lock. Koopa somehow reaches the ropes and the hold is soon released. Chester pulls Koopa to his feet and tries to grab him into the Crossface Chicken Wing again but Koopa kicks him in the knee.

Koopa dropkicks Chester. Koopa goes for it again but Chester swats him away like a fly. Koopa lands on the mat hard. Chester signals that it’s going to be over soon but Koopa rolls over and causes Chester to fall right on top of him! Both wrestlers are down and looking in bad shape.

And that’s when the high-commander, and supreme-energy of all things hated in this world arrived.

JAMES VARGA.

And he indeed had a special friend.

The Florida Gator.

Both slid into the ring and as the Koopa struggled to his feet, they took him down with a Double DDT as Chester Cheeseburger had accidentally taken down the ref trying to stand up. Varga and the Gator left the ring to a stereo strut, but then Varga whirled around and clotheslined the crap out of him. The Gator gets locked in a Camel Clutch outside the ring, while Cheeseburger hits the nasty frog splash…once again popping the Koopa’s shell and hooking the tights (rather obscenely) for the pinfall.

Varga stood on the ramp raising his arms in victory until Insurgents arrived and chased him through the crowd.

Winner: Chester Cheeseburger

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. Devil’s Rejects

(FADEIN: KERRY O’CONNOR and an ashen LAMONT HOLLYWOOD at ringside.)

O’CONNOR: “Welcome back fans, we’re getting set for what will be a very special segment with Dirk Dickwood…which will hopefully cheer up my broadcast colleague.”

H’WOOD: “DC Stratton should be sent to jail.”

O’CONNOR: “Before we get to Dirk, we have one more match we’d like to rundown that took place earlier tonight. We hope everyone enjoyed the rundown from James Varga’s website regarding the Koopa vs. Chester Cheeseburger match and if that one wasn’t insane enough, we had a handicap match before everything went live. Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects – Legion and Luci4. With a batload of barbed wire involved with the match and some very weird, but special stipulations it was a very intense 10 minute battle.”

H’WOOD: “I think I was chatting up some ladies at ringside and chose to miss this one Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “At the onset of the match, Luci4’s aerial tactics and Legion’s brawling were definitely too much for Kooter to handle. They had him bloodied early with the use of a barbed wire bat, but eventually the crowd willed Kooter back into the match. He took it over with a vicious double clothesline and an electric double chokeslam. However, with a little tomfoolery…specifically Legion with a handful of sand from the beach, the match was taken over by the Rejects. Of course, this when things got VERY interesting as Felix Red ran down to ringside after the referee went down in a collision with Kooter and Luci4.”

H’WOOD: “I’m dozing off here, Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix was able to nullify things, but never saw the unexpected coming…in the form of the UBER JUDGE. A gavel shot to his head and then Kooter’s allowed Legion to hit a vicious curbstomp on a barbed wire chair. The referee dazily made the three count and due to the Devil’s Rejects victory…it looks like Felix Red won’t be doing as many commercials for Hot Topic this year.”

H’WOOD: “I think my brain exploded with that last line, now I really feel apart of this place.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, let’s go down to ringside for a special announcement from Dirk Dickwood!”

Winner: The Devil's Rejects

Back to the TOC
DISC 1 TRACK 1: Welcome to the Revolution
DISC 1 TRACK 2: Welcome to the Knoxsterf*ck
DISC 1 TRACK 3: And So it Begins
DISC 1 TRACK 4: Blaine Hollywood vs. DC Stratton
DISC 1 TRACK 5: Honk if you <3 Ridiculousness
DISC 1 TRACK 6: Thou Shalt Always Kill
DISC 1 TRACK 7: Chester Cheeseburger vs. Koopa
DISC 1 TRACK 8: Kooter Michaels-Cruise vs. The Devil’s Rejects

Waist Expansion

(MUSIC UP: “Obsession” by Animotion)

O'CONNOR: I'm not familiar with this music.

H'WOOD: No? That's a shame. Although, I've heard you are familiar with many other things, such as other men's co...

(DIRK DICKWOOD and his on again/off again girlfriend/wife HELGA appear at the entrance way. DICKWOOD dressed in a three piece suit, chewing on a lit cigar and swaggering down to the ring. HELGA stays a few steps behind DICKWOOD at all times, dress in a delightful ensamble of Viking helmet, cone bra and mini skirt.)

O'CONNOR: IT'S DIRK DICKWOOD! Sorry for cutting you off there Hollywood.

H'WOOD: This must be major announcement time for the Dickwoods. Is Helga even a Dickwood?

O'CONNOR: I don't think anyone has figured out exactly what Helga is to date.

(DICKWOOD jumps up onto the apron in an impressive display of athletics for a man like him and attempts to open the ring ropes for HELGA. She decides she would rather step over the top rope, almost crushing DIRK's shoulder in the process.

DICKWOOD: CUT THE MUSIC.

(Still playing)

DICKWOOD: Cut the music right now or I will personally ensure that Helga goes backstage and takes great delight in ripping off your shitting penis barehanded.

(MUSIC DOWN)

DICKWOOD: Thank you.

O'CONNOR: “Slick” Dirk Dickwood seems a little on edge tonight, don't you think?

H'WOOD: Of course the man is on edge, his husk of failure client has the biggest opportunity in his career tonight and these idiots backstage are now trying to ruin his major annoucement. Which he personally promised me would be major.

O'CONNOR: You were talking to Dirk backstage earlier?

H'WOOD: Less chatting more... purchasing. Let me tell you, that man his some videos I'm not even sure are legal in this country.

O'CONNOR: Went right for those ones, didn't ya?

H'WOOD: Shut up Beanfry.

DICKWOOD: I'd like to address you inbred hicks downing pig swill in the crowds, and yes you are a hick if you are sitting out in the crowd right now regardless of your own beliefs. I'm pretty sure that roughly seventy five percent of you have also had incestuous sex, the likes of which I have never seen since that hidden camera Cameron Cruise/Kooter Michaels-Cruise video I secretly taped.

H'WOOD: ON SALE NOW

DICKWOOD: Tonight marks an important night in the calendar of Dirk Dickwood's Totally Awesome Talent Agency (tm)...

H'WOOD: Dirk mentioned to me earlier the original name was going to be Dirk Dickwood's Porn Emporium and Talent Agency but some animal rapists threatened to sue.

O'CONNOR: I'd hate to imagine the sort of campaigns Dirk Dickwood's PETA would support.

DICKWOOD: First, the jewel in the crown, the main bread winner of the agency, mine and YOUR Entertainment Saviour, Phil Atken, is two small victories away from becoming YOUR NFW Heavyweight Champion. However, that is not all The Agency is here for tonight. It is however our top priority. You fucking shit-tards sitting in the crowd tonight will bear witness to my client, a man with the backing of Dirk Dickwood, pin the NFW Champion in this ring. Then come next Crash, you will all go home, turn on your little television sets, if you can ever afford such extravagant purchases, and see that EXACT same thing happen.

O'CONNOR: I think pinning Nova twice in a row is pratically impossible for a man like Phil Atken.

H'WOOD: With a man like Dirk Dickwood in his corner, impossible is knocked down to improbable.

DICKWOOD: You see tonight, you get to witness two pieces of history unfold, and considering how much you paid for you tickets, you should be honoured and humbled I am allowing such a thing to happen. Firstly, as I mentioned, you get to witness the man elected Lord Sexypants 2005 pin Nova in the middle of that ring, perhaps make him tap out, who the fuck knows. Secondly, you get to witness the announcement of an expansion.

O'CONNOR: Expansion? Has Dirk managed to find more oddballs he can bleed dry?

H'WOOD: They don't nickname him “Slick” for nothing.

O'CONNOR: I only nicknamed him that five minutes ago...

H'WOOD: It's catching on already. You should be proud you actually accomplished something in your life.

DICKWOOD: Of course, I'm not sure if you rubes would understand the process of expansion. Let me explain in terms you may appreciate. Dirk Dickwood's Totally Awesome Talent Agency's membership is going to swell in size, much like I imagine most of your stomachs do on a daily basis. Whether it be the ring worms present or the copious amounts of fried food I'm hardly the man to judge. After all, I'm a physical specimen, a god if you will.

O'CONNOR: If he's a god, I may rescind all my prayers.

DICKWOOD: However, I am a benevolent god. I am willing to help those in need, those who need guidance, those who need direction in their life, those who do not wish to have their testicles crush, I am willing to help you all. If you are a contracted NFW Wrassler, sitting backstage right now, watching the show at home, or indeed at one of this countries many beautiful red light districts, and you feel that you fall under one of these categories, I have great new for you!

H'WOOD: WHATEVER IT IS I'LL DO IT! JUST KEEP HELGA AWAY!

O'CONNOR: Calm down, he said Wrassler.

DICKWOOD: If you fall into that group, you are about to be embraced by the process of expansion. You see, I have finally decided that a man of my talents needs to spread his ability, his gospel in you will, unto others. You see, as the glorious leader of the Double D TATA, I have managed to sign my client to countless title opportunities, provided aid at ringside that has lead to numerous victories. I have been a counsellor to personal problems, and a dealer to vices and to gain these services, I'm not asking you to worship Satan and do that voodoo shit that Legion does, all you have to do is sign on the dotted line on one of the stack of open contracts sitting backstage right now.

H'WOOD: I hope security is ready for the stampede that's about to happen.

O'CONNOR: I'm sure they'll be able to handle it.

DICKWOOD: You see, I am ready to take over, Helga is ready to take over, YOUR Entertainment Saviour Phil Atken is ready to take over this company, and to be a part of this movement, to be a part of this power structure, all you need to do is ask. For those wrestlers not here tonight, whether they be at home with the family or fucking a whore, don't fret. Just ask your friend to mail you one, he's probably off grabbing one right now. I mean, you have to think, wouldn't you want to be the one close to the next NFW Champion and the man who managed to make it happen? Or would you rather be left beaten, bloodied and balls less after we get our hands on you.

O'CONNOR: That's the major announcement, he's offering his services?

H'WOOD: That IS major news Beanfrysproutpole, Dirk has never offered this opportunity before, if seems like with Helga and Dirk in tow, he really feels he can draw a line in this company.

O'CONNOR: Another line in NFW? I think if we joined together all the drawn lines in this

(FADE OUT)

Back to the TOC
DISC 2 TRACK 9: Waist Expansion
DISC 2 TRACK 10: National: Teresa Quaranta © vs. The Uber Judge vs. Steve Knox
DISC 2 TRACK 11: What have you got to lose except your Soul?
DISC 2 TRACK 12: TV: Joe the Plumber © vs. Kin Hiroshi
DISC 2 TRACK 13: Your Lord and Saviour
DISC 2 TRACK 14: Nova/Cruise/Noble vs. Payne/Alyas/Atken
DISC 2 TRACK 15: Covert
DISC 2 TRACK 16: The Grand Prix 500

National Championship: Teresa Quaranta © vs. The Uber Judge vs. Steve Knox

O'CONNOR: Well fine viewers, it's now time for some National Title action.

H'WOOD: There is nothing “fine” about any of our viewers. Although I am looking forward to hot man-on-girl title action.

O'CONNOR: I don't think the match is going to quite have the tone you're hoping for.

H'WOOD: Quaranta matches rarely do.

O'CONNOR: Well, The Uber Judge is already in the right...

H'WOOD: Are we sure it's the right one?

O'CONNOR: The lack of a mask is generally a give away.

H'WOOD: The judges have had enough time to have reconstructive cosmetic surgery.

O'CONNOR: Would you rather we have a DNA test?

H'WOOD: You ask me these questions as if I care enough to respond to them.

O'CONNOR: With The Judge already in the ring, we're now awaiting the arrivals of Steve Knox, the Elite Champion of...

H'WOOD: The world?

O'CONNOR: Eliteness?

H'WOOD: Bleachy clean toilets? It's doesn't matter! He's an Elite Champion! There's a big party to celebrate and everything, I hear there's going to be cake.

O'CONNOR: Before the man can “boogie on down” tonight, he doesn't exactly have an easy task set ahead for him. Teresa had one hell of an undefeated streak and she certainly doesn't plan to give up her title tonight, and you just know that The Uber Judge has a trick or two up his sleeve. Let's toss it over to Lee-Baby SIMS for the introductions.

SIMS: The following contest is for the NFW National Championshiiiiip.

(SFX: Crowd pops)

SIMS: Currently in the ring, challenger number one, he is The Uberrrrr Judgeeeeeeeee!

(MUSIC UP: “Hysteria” by Muse)

SIMS: And making his way down to aisle, challenger number two, he is the ELITEEEEE Champion, he is Steveeeeeeeeeeee Knox!

H'WOOD: Oh joy of all joys, the Ron Paul supporter is here. Yes Steve, all our problems can be solved with gold! WHY DON'T YOU MELT YOUR PRECIOUS TITLE TO HELP THE ECONOMY.

O'CONNOR: I've never seen Hollywood this upset over man's finisher's name since that guy who had the Titties McAss Drop.

H'WOOD: Flat chested son of a bitch.

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX making his way down to the ring, slapping a few fans hands as he glares at The Uber Judge in the ring. The Uber Judge responds by laying back into a turnbuckle corner and smirking his smirkiest smirk.)

O'CONNOR: Both these men, sizing each other up but both know the title they want hasn't/

H'WOOD: I'm so honoured Mr. Goldypants over there has descended from his grand Elite Mountain to fight over our pittance National Championship. Oh glorious Steve Knox, thank ye for taking pity on us.

O'CONNOR: Aren't you taking this ever so slightly serious?

H'WOOD: I'll do whatever I want Beanpolefrysprout. What are you going to do to stop me? Sportscast me to death?

O'CONNOR: Let's just take it back over to SIMS.

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX entering the ring and taking his place in his corner)

(MUSICUP: "Clarissa" by Mindless Self Indulgence)

SIMS: And making her way to the ring, she is THE NFW National Champion, Terrrrrrrrrrresaaaaa Quarrrrrrrrrantaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(CUTTO: TERESA QUARANTA bolting her way to the ring and tossing her belt in the general direction of the referee.)

O'CONNOR: Quaranta wasting no time, rushing head first in to this match. She knows the odds are against her.

H'WOOD: Exactly, she doesn't even have to be pinned to lose the title. What a stupid match to agree to. She really needs a new agent.

(SFX: BELL RINGING)

O'CONNOR: Bang a gong, this is on.

H'WOOD: You have no idea how much I want to hurt you right now. No idea.

O'CONNOR: Teresa has went straight for Steve Knox, no love loss between these two. Fist are flying between Knox and Quaranta as The Uber Judge is... attempting to break it up. Is he trying to do the referee's job for him?

H'WOOD: Whatever works.

O'CONNOR: Steve and Teresa almost broke up that brawl until they realised it was the Uber Judge getting involved. They've pushed him aside and they are right back at it. A flurry of fists flying all over.

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX and TERESA QUARANTA hammering away at each other with rights and lefts, UBER JUDGE in the background staying out the way of the brawl entirely.)

H'WOOD: Smart strategy by the Judge here Beanfry, let his competitors take each other out and then either one becomes a viable option to pin.

O'CONNOR: Some would call it cowardice but in a bout like this, it probably is best to stay out of the way and let Knox and Quaranta beat the hell out of the other.

H'WOOD: You let them pound each other into hamburger meat then sweep in for the pin. The fact that Knox and Quaranta actually pushed him out the brawl is astounding to me. Clearly letting their emotions get to them, something I or mah boy would never do.

(CUTTO: The Uber Judge trying to pull the shirt off the referee while the ref fights to keep it on)

O'CONNOR: What is The Judge attempting here? Here's lucky he hasn't been disqualified for putting his hands on an official.

H'WOOD: He should be disqualified for attempting to show that lard ass' beer belly to the public. I don't even know how many viewers we would lose for something like that.

O'CONNOR: Because we've never aired anything that disgusting before?

H'WOOD: It's all relative.

O'CONNOR: Knox now with a successful double leg take down on the champ. He's attempting to mount Ms. Quaranta.

H'WOOD: He is succeeding where others have failed!

O'CONNOR: But Teresa manages to power out and now has Knox mounted.

H'WOOD: Why am I meant to start getting aroused? Normally Teresa's jiggly jiggly does it for me but I think Knox is ruining this moment. He needs to get old the picture.

O'CONNOR: Knox and Quaranta are both struggling for a dominate position on the mat at the moment. Meanwhile... Uber Judge has produced his own referee t-shirt.

H'WOOD: How is that thing even going to fit over those glorious flowing robes of his?

JUDGE: IT'S XXXL!

H'WOOD: How did he ever hear me?

O'CONNOR: He's about five feet away from our table.

H'WOOD: Stop mocking those who lack depth perception Beanfry.

(CUTTO: THE UBER JUDGE putting on his referee t-shirt and sliding back in to the ring. He pulls apart TERESA and KNOX apart, insisting that he is now the referee for the match.)

O'CONNOR: I have no idea what The Judge's strategy is right now.

H'WOOD: Mindfuck is a valid strategy, one which The Judge is playing very successfully right now. Knox and Quaranta have no idea what the hell is going on right now.

O'CONNOR: Does that really achieve anything?

H'WOOD: No idea, entertains the hell out of me though.

O'CONNOR: Knox and the champ have went back to their battle, neither managing to quite get the better of the other. The Judge on the other hand is now in an argument with the official in this match over who indeed in the official official. He's trying to dismiss the actual referee from the ring.

H'WOOD: I suppose the more he does this, the more he stays the hell out of the way of that brutal hurricane of a brawl Knox and Teresa are having. I'm expecting blood all over this ring and teeth to go a flyin' any second now.

O'CONNOR: It seems that The Judge's actions have finally caught the eye of Knox and Quaranta.

(CUTTO: TERESA QUARANTA and STEVE KNOX shift their attention from each other towards THE UBER JUDGE. They whip THE JUDGE into the ropes and double backdrop him out of the ring.)

O'CONNOR: And out goes The Uber Judge. Of course, in this style of match there are no countouts, so he could stay there as long as he wants.

H'WOOD: It's the smart thing to do.

O'CONNOR: Now Knox turns back towards Teresa, but she was ready for him with a snap Northern Lights suplex. Could this be the quick win she... no Knox powers out just after two. It's her ability to pull of snap moves like that that has kept her as National Champion for so long.

H'WOOD: Well that and the distraction of a jiggle. Jiggly jiggly jiggly.

O'CONNOR: Teresa now trying to stay on top of this, trying to switch position from the Northern Lights into an armbar.

H'WOOD: ARMBAR!

O'CONNOR: Yes, an armbar. However Knox uses his power to push Teresa off. The force of the shove sent her into the ropes and she comes comes flying off them right back towards Knox. KNOX SPRINGS TO HIS FEET! POWERSLAM!

One...

Two...

NO! The Uber Judge pulls Steve Knox out of the ring and OUCH! Right into that steel ring post.

H'WOOD: What are you ouching over? Are you suddenly Steve Knox? Smart move by Judge, waiting for his moment to strike, then taking out the competition. The man knows exactly how to take advantage of a match scenario like this.

O'CONNOR: So we have Knox laid out on the outside and Teresa still trying to recover from that surprise powerslam from Knox on the inside. The Uber Judge back up on the apron now, admiring the work

H'WOOD: He can admire his work all he wants when he gets the title but now is not the time to get distracted, especially when it's by Knox and not Teresa.

O'CONNOR: Teresa back to her feet now and she shoulder blocks The Uber Judge right back off the apron. Judge goes flying off, hitting the steel barricade in the process.

H'WOOD: What idiot put a barricade there?

O'CONNOR: You demanded it, you wanted protection from the “plebeians” if I remember correctly.

H'WOOD: You'd rather those mongoloid fans were able to touch you Beanfry? I'd rather keep them a safe distances away, especially when you have the Kooter Michaels-Cruises and Helgas running around ringside already, why increase the risk.

O'CONNOR: Speaking of increased risk... SWEET JESUS! Teresa launched herself right off that top rope, diving right at The Uber Judge, he ducks out the way and she hits nothing but steel barricade. She may be out this match entirely after that.

H'WOOD: That was out and out insanity. She's the kind of idiot

O'CONNOR: Yet she has never lost that title since the day she won it, exactly because of risks like this.

H'WOOD: If she always took risks like this, we'd have been wheeling her out by now. Maybe on some form of rocket propelled wheelchair so her crippled ass could still pull out stunts like this. That was a risk she did not need to take, she could have stayed in the ring and had a bit of breathing space but no, she has to do a flashy move. Idiot.

O'CONNOR: All three competitors out of it outside the ring at moment, Knox next to the ring post that The Judge threw him in to, Teresa pretty much in the crowd at this point...

H'WOOD: I'm waiting on her going body surfing, then she'd be really screwed out of her title.

O'CONNOR: ...and The Uber Judge is resting himself up against the steel barricade, trying to get his wind back.

H'WOOD: He's in the best condition of all three right now.

O'CONNOR: To take advantage of it, he has to get either Knox or Quaranta back in to the ring however, and that's a task certainly easier said than done.

H'WOOD: Are you trying to imply that the National Champion is a lard ass?

O'CONNOR: What? No, of course not!

H'WOOD: Seems like it to me.

(CUTTO: THE UBER JUDGE making his way back over to STEVE KNOX in attempts to roll him back in to the ring)

O'CONNOR: I don't know if trying to lift two hundred and forty two pounds of dead weight back in to the ring is the best of ideas.

H'WOOD: It doesn't look like he's making much progre... that's gotta hurt.

O'CONNOR: A bit of revenge from Knox as he grabs the flowing robes of The Uber Judge, pulling him face first into the very steel post that The Judge threw him in to.

H'WOOD: I've never been a fan of poetic justice.

O'CONNOR: You've never been a fan of anything.

H'WOOD: That's just not true, lies and slander Beanpole.

O'CONNOR: If we discount your son's tag team...

H'WOOD: You've just proven my point.

O'CONNOR: We now have all three competitors down and out, outside of the ring. Knox rolling back in, Teresa climbing the top rope as he’s getting to his feet and LOOK OUT! (crowd groans!) The Uber Judge just pulled out Teresa’s leg and she landed awkwardly on the turnbuckles! Wait a minute, he’s got his gavel out! He’s got the gavel out! (LOUD SCREAMS!) OH NO! HE JUST PLASTERED TERESA IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD…AND HE’S DROPPING OFF THE APRON!?!?! WHAT’S GOING ON!?!?

H’WOOD: I guess he’s made his final verdict on something we weren’t even aware about!

O’CONNOR: Teresa Quaranta’s out cold, the referee never saw it as he was checking on Knox! Knox looks confused…as the Uber Judge is walking up the ramp with a smile on his face! Knox covers Teresa, we could have a new champion! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! ……THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! YESSSSSSSSSSS! (SFX: BELL RINGING! CROWD SHOCK!) WE’VE GOT A NEW CHAMPION! WE’VE GOT A NEW CHAMPION! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! STEVE KNOX HAS WON THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP! This crowd is in complete confusion over the Uber Judge’s random actions at the end of this m—“

H’WOOD: “Wait a minute, Felix Red’s on the STARtron!”

(CLOSEUP: FELIX RED sitting next to a tied, bound and gagged ROOK BLACK. The UBER JUDGE turns around on the ramp and stops in his own shock and starts nodding in disbelief…since ROOK BLACK is wired with god-knows-what-but-itsdefinitelyexplodeylooking.)

RED: “CHECKMATE.”

(The STARtron fades to BLACK as all of a sudden there’s a VERY LOUD BOOM heard from the backstage area, where smoke starts billowing! QUICK CUTTO: Inside the ring, TERESA QUARANTA is trying to explain to the ref what the UBER JUDGE did, but to no avail! Outside of the ring, STEVE KNOX is holding up BOTH the ELITE and NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS!)

O’CONNOR: “…Felix Red did not just blow up Rook Black.”

SIMS: (V/O) “THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWW NATIONAL CHHHHHHHHAMPEEEEEEUHHHHH—(SFX: FEEDBACK!)”

H’WOOD: “Beanfry, I think my brain’s breaking!”

O’CONNOR: “That’s the microphone, Lamont…not what we just saw.”

(The crowd buzzes in confusion as SIMS’ microphone is cut off, meanwhile the STARtron comes back to life…this time with CRAIG MILES on it!)

MILES: “Steve Knox, I’m sure you’re proud of yourself…but if you look at the replay later tonight, you might gain that sliver of a single millisecond of a glimpse over why I’ve decided to do…to you.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “This can’t be good. I don’t think Miles is over Knox bringing out Joe the Plumber earlier.”

MILES: “Teresa Quaranta has given too much to this company as far as I’m concerned and I RESPECT that. Therefore, in lieu of this…at SUPERCRASH 2, you will pull double duty when you defend your Elite Championship as well as that National Championship…and in the latter championship defense, you will face Rook Black if he’s still alive as well as Teresa Quaranta in a SPECIAL TWO OUT OF THREE PINFALL ELIMINATION MATCH. (CROWD ROARS!) More details to come…(MILES smirks) naturally.”

(The STARtron fizzles out. QUICK CUTTO: QUARANTA looking visibly frustrated, but nodding in approval while KNOX looks at both titles then back to the ring…and nervously gulps.)

O’CONNOR: “What an announcement, I’d say more…but we’ve got to go to break before anything regarding my sanity does.”

Winner: Steve Knox (NEW CHAMPION!)

Back to the TOC
DISC 2 TRACK 9: Waist Expansion
DISC 2 TRACK 10: National: Teresa Quaranta © vs. The Uber Judge vs. Steve Knox
DISC 2 TRACK 11: What have you got to lose except your Soul?
DISC 2 TRACK 12: TV: Joe the Plumber © vs. Kin Hiroshi
DISC 2 TRACK 13: Your Lord and Saviour
DISC 2 TRACK 14: Nova/Cruise/Noble vs. Payne/Alyas/Atken
DISC 2 TRACK 15: Covert
DISC 2 TRACK 16: The Grand Prix 500

What have you got to lose except your soul?

O’Connor: That was a hellacious National title match (Insert name of winner) was proving once again why they are one of the stars of the revolution and we’ve still got the TV title match to come…

(Suddenly the lights go out… an air raid siren can be heard and the opening speech by Corey Taylor from Slipknot kicks in to begin Pulse Of The Maggots… as soon as “What have you got to lose except your soul?” is heard a multitude of men and women in black surround the ring with some inside the ring…)

Hollywood: What the hell is this supposed to be… if they brandish any weapons I’m getting out of here!

O’Connor: the logo seems to be familiar… we’ve seen it in Legion’s promo… maybe it’s the Army he’s been on about…

(Legion and Luci appear on the ramp…)

Legion: Let the champ go… it’s not their time yet, I guess I should explain the whole point of this little gathering of minds for those casual fans that failed to catch ESEN Promos…

For the past 6 months I’ve been building a force that will combat the so called revolution this company seems to have created… a company that was built on the biggest political move that this sport has ever seen.

I have tried to recruit people since my inception that seem to be the disillusioned at heart and some people in the back seem to resent this… they think I’m a scenester that denies his existence… the King of the 5 minute promo with a minute of talk… and my companion… nothing more than a hanger on…

This became clear to me that following my actions at Crashmas I’ve become a pariah… where the hell has insurgent security been when I get attacked by a multitude of Uber Judges ripping off Sting in 1997… it’s because they think that in order to get rid of their own problems like the Koopa, like Felix and anyone else they put me in there so they can let two people they hate kill each other… so I set up this army you see before you with Luci as workers for tonight… how else did Teresa, Rook and Uber get their messages because after Felix and Varga I have some long standing business to finish and I will prove the truth of Rook and the Judge by Wrestlebowl III…

It ends now… because I know what makes the roster tick… greed, vanity and pride… it’s what I said to the Wolf… he left, he walked out on this place and is trying to regain past glories in TEAM and that suddenly seems to have gone on hiatus… I guess using CSWA veterans means that the company disappears for a billion years… and the worst person on that list I saved til last… because I’ve learnt through tapes and archived news… Never bet against a professional but at least have a gambit in place…

The Revolution from this point… is now slowing going to turn into chaos and disorder… For We Are Many… and could be anyone…

Back to the TOC
DISC 2 TRACK 9: Waist Expansion
DISC 2 TRACK 10: National: Teresa Quaranta © vs. The Uber Judge vs. Steve Knox
DISC 2 TRACK 11: What have you got to lose except your Soul?
DISC 2 TRACK 12: TV: Joe the Plumber © vs. Kin Hiroshi
DISC 2 TRACK 13: Your Lord and Saviour
DISC 2 TRACK 14: Nova/Cruise/Noble vs. Payne/Alyas/Atken
DISC 2 TRACK 15: Covert
DISC 2 TRACK 16: The Grand Prix 500

TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: Joe the Plumber © vs. Kin Hiroshi

(CUTTO: A child in the audience waving a mop and bucket around.)

H’WOOD: “I don’t know what’s more disturbing, Beanfry…the fact that a child was allowed admission into a New Frontier Wrestling show, or the fact that Joe the Plumber has fans!”

O’CONNOR: “Don’t get all offended at once, Woodman! We’ve still gotta survive the match, and lord knows there’ll probably be more opportunities for us to be mortified at the state of the human race! Staaaartiiing…NOW!”

(MUSICUP – “Barbara Ann” by the Beach Boys)

H’WOOD: “I don’t see him…but I smell him…”

O’CONNOR: “That would be the unsavory aroma of one of NFW’s longest-running and most dominant champions in the company’s eight year history! The odd pairing in Joe the Plumber of repugnant hygiene and social skills with startling natural ability in the ring is something that STILL confuses newcomers to the Frontier…but this man is no joke!”

H’WOOD: “Take it, Lee-Baby!”

LEE-BABY SIMS: “The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is for the NFW WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP, and the status of NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE NFW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Coming to the ring at this time, standing 5’11” and weighing in at an impossibly low-shot 243 lbs…he is the Greasy Goblin, and the CURRENT NFW Television Champion…he is…JOOOOOOOOOOE THE PLUUUUUUUUUMMBEEEEER!!!”

(CUT TO: JOE shoving back the curtains and stomping down the entrance ramp, jaw-jacking to seemingly no one and dragging his loyal bucket of filth and mop.)

O’CONNOR: “A mixed reaction from this crowd…you listen to Joe, you see him in the ring, and part of you wants to hate the guy…but you have to respect what he’s been able to accomplish in the ‘Dub in the last year! And now he stands on the precipice of breaking through and getting a much-deserved shot at his long-time nemesis and our World Heavyweight Champion, Nova!”

H’WOOD: “That whole thing…I still don’t understand what he’s talking about.”

O’CONNOR: “You don’t have to, Woodman! You just have to understand that before Joe can take that step, before he can vie for the company’s top prize…he has to make it through THAT man!”

(MUSICUP – “Immortal” by Adema)

LEE-BABY SIMS: “And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 245 lbs…he is the MUFFIN MAN…KIIIIIIIIIN HIIIIIROOOOOOOOOOOOOSHIIIII!!!”

O’CONNOR: “Talk about fast moves, the Muffin Man is the king of them! Only a few months (that’s 1.5 days in Frontier time), the name ‘Kin Hiroshi’ meant little else in the realm of NFW 3.0 but a historical footnote, and then the former World Heavyweight Champion resurfaced to challenge the legitimacy of Dan Ryan and Nova’s title reigns in his absence! This led to a booking most of the roster only DREAMS about…a Number One Contender’s match to decide the EAGLEstar’s opponent at SUPERCrash II!”

H’WOOD: “The site, last year, of Joe the Plumber’s TV Title defense against Nova…”

O’CONNOR: “…which formed the basis for Joe’s complaint that he’d been looked over in the booking process!”

H’WOOD: “Alright, Simon Schama, enough history! Hiroshi’s practically to the ring already!”

(CUT TO: KIN HIROSHI approaching the ring, curling his lip at some outstretched hands. The NFW World Heavyweight Championship gleams around his waist, and he unclips it as he approaches the ring, hoisting it overhead. He stops a few feet from the apron to stare in bewilderment, as inside JOE is galloping around the ring on his shit-caked plunger, riding it like a wild stallion.)

O’CONNOR: “Normally Hiroshi’s entrance involves a bit more fanfare, looks like he scaled it down for the evening, but Joe is providing plenty of entertainment for the crowd! Of course a whole different story tonight is the belt around Hiroshi’s waist…the belt that belongs to the REAL champion, Nova!”

H’WOOD: “You’re LOOKIN’ at the real champion, O’Connor, get used to it! Bong Boy’s days of impersonating a champion are OVER! As for the Plumber, I hope we see him ride that disgusting plunger right out of NFW FOREVER! SAVE US, KIN!”

O’CONNOR: “Oh, you don’t mean tha-OHH!! JTP riding that plunger around the ring and then a surprise SUICIDE DIVE over the top rope landing SQUARE on an unsuspecting Kin Hiroshi!! The World Heavyweight Championship goes flying! And JTP has kick-started this high-profile match-up in grand fashion! He’s getting up, grabbing Kin by the hair…and slamming his head against the guardrail! The fans are eating it up! Joe now peppering Kin’s head and ribs with lefts and rights! And I’ll tell you, Lamont, one place you don’t really wanna be is on the outside with the Greasy Goblin…Joe’s a natural brawler!”

H’WOOD: “Get ‘im in the ring, Kin! Submission! DDT! ANYTHING!”

(CUT TO: JOE buffeting KIN with fists…and then KIN ducks under one, causing JOE to punch the turnbuckle post.)

JOE THE PLUMBER: “Owwww-AHHHH-Ooooo!! MA’ PAW!! I CRUNCHED MA’ PAW!!! GIT BACK ‘ERE KAWASAKI!!”

O’CONNOR: “Kin rolling under the ropes into the ring for the first time! Joe following suit…right into a knee-drop from the former champ! And the ref FINALLY can call for the bell! It looks like someone recovered the World Heavyweight Championship from ringside as well. Kin putting the boots to Joe here…”

H’WOOD: “Stay on him, Kin! He’s your meal ticket back to the Good Life!”

O’CONNOR: “Kin trying to lock Joe’s head in, looks like he might be going for a neckbreaker…but Joe’s squirming! No good, no good…and Kin opts for a DDT instead! What an impact on that…Joe’s flopping like a fish! Kin’s up…off the ropes…OHHHH!! BRUTAL kick to the side of Joe’s head, and our TV Champion’s on Dream Street!”

H’WOOD: “You know, that kick would have been a thing of beauty if you didn’t RUIN IT with your awful clichés…”

O’CONNOR: “1955 called. They want their ascot back.”

H’WOOD: “I…you…”

O’CONNOR: “I’m sorry I said that, Lamont.”

H’WOOD: “…”

O’CONNOR: “Hiroshi not letting up now…he’s got the Plumber up…(SFX: CRACK!!!)…and Kin introduces Joe to the most vicious KNIFE-EDGE chop this side of Tokyo!!”

(SFX: CRACK!!)

H’WOOD: “Joe’s boobs are jiggling! Haw haw haw!!”

(SFX: CRACK!!)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s still up but he’s practically jogging in place from the sting of those chops!”

(SFX: CRACK!!)

JOE THE PLUMBER: “AAARRRRR!! FEELS LIKE MA’ SECOND HEART ATTACK AT NUGENT MANIA ‘98!”

(CUT TO: JOE dancing around clutching his beet-red chest…when suddenly he snaps to attention, grins a toothless grin, and GOUGES the eyes of KIN HIROSHI.)

CROWD: “BOOOOOOOOOO…(wait, this is Kin Hiroshi)…RAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”

O’CONNOR: “Ha ha…this crowd showing little sympathy for the Muffin Man after a BLATANT cheap shot from the TV Champion!”

H’WOOD: “Makes me SICK, Beansprout…why, if this were ’03 we’d haul every last one of these disrespectful Floridian LOUTS out of the arena and give ‘em WHAT-FOR in the parking lot for cheering such a despicable…”

O’CONNOR: “Hiroshi with a low blow!”

H’WOOD: “YES! YES!!! WHATEVER IT TAKES, KIN!!”

O’CONNOR: “Uh-huh. Joe’s on his knees holding himself, and that’s a HORRIBLE position to be in with a competitor like Kin Hiroshi who can…(SFX: “OOHHHH!!”)…well, who can do exactly what he just did, which is take Joe’s head off with another vicious side kick! And Kin appears to be going for the cover…he’s got ONE!! TW-NO!! ALMOST a two-count for the Muffin Man, but no cigar as they say…”

H’WOOD: “But he’s lookin’ good out there! Keep bringin’ the heat, Kin! You’ll have your belt back in NO time!”

O’CONNOR: “But he’s GOT the belt right now, Woodman! He just hasn’t EARNED it…the same criticism some people are leveling at him for even getting this match-up after almost a year of relative inactivity! It’s like Kin has returned and shoved everyone aside who have been literally BLEEDING for a shot at Nova all year!”

H’WOOD: “Wah, wah, wah. They can take their whining to the salon for all I care! Look at Hiroshi in the ring! He’s HANDLING Joe like none of these other amateurs could!”

O’CONNOR: “I will say Hiroshi’s looked pretty good in this match so far…he’s got Joe back up…going for a Russian leg sweep here…NO! Stall-out by Joe the Plumber…a struggle…CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Joe just pivoted around and LEVELLED Hiroshi with a clothesline down to the mat!”

H’WOOD: “I bet the stench of JTP’s armpits is infinitely more painful to endure than the physical contact with his forearm!”

O’CONNOR: “Well, something’s hurting Hiroshi right now…he’s on the mat and appears to be clutching…his throat! Ahhhh, looks like Joe’s clothesline hit him in the throat instead of the chest, and now the Muffin Man is having trouble RISING under the heat!”

H’WOOD: “THIS IS NO TIME FOR PUNS!!”

(CUT TO: JOE ripping his wife-beater down the middle, exposing chest acne that would make Hayden Panettiere quit doing Neutrogena commercials. He hoots and hollers and begins beating his chest with his fists.)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s fired up, Lamont! Hiroshi’s gasping for air and he doesn’t realize where…BOOM! RUNNING KNEE from Joe the Plumber and Kin Hiroshi isn’t on Dream Street, Lamont, I don’t even think he’s on the same PLANET as the rest of us!”

H’WOOD: “NO! JOE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS! KIN DESERVES THIS!!”

O’CONNOR: “Regardless, Joe’s got Hiroshi pushed into the corner…Kin’s fighting it! A few shots from Hiroshi, but a knee-lift from the Plumber silences him! Joe’s lifting Kin up onto the top rope…will he follow? Looks like the answer’s ‘no,’ but Joe is hooking Kin by the neck…”

H’WOOD: “THAT’S KIN’S BELT! HE WAS NEVER BEATEN FOR IT!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe hooking Kin by the neck…staaaaalling…AND THE DROP!”

H’WOOD: “HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!!”

O’CONNOR: “THE GREAT FLOOD! Joe the Plumber calls that Ace Crusher variation the ‘Great Flood,’ and what a move it is! Hiroshi looks…well, I was gonna say ‘dead’ but given who we’re talking about here…”

H’WOOD: *Sob* “Highway robbery…”

O’CONNOR: “Joe hooking a leg in the corner for the pin…ONE!! TWO!! THREEEE!! CALL IT, LEE-BABY!”

LEE-BABY: “The winner of this match, STILL NFW World Television Champion…and NEEEEW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE NFW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP…JOOOOOOOOOOOE THE PLUUUUUUUUUMMBEEEER!!”

O’CONNOR: “And it’s official, Woodman, what we’ve all honestly known for some time…Joe the Plumber WILL get a shot at the NFW World Heavyweight Championship, a REMATCH of epic proportions against Nova at SUPERCrash II!”

H’WOOD: “This…I thought we’d grown beyond this, Beanfry…”

(CUT TO: Ringside, where amidst JOE THE PLUMBER’s celebration in the ring, KIN HIROSHI bails out, angrily grabbing the NFW World Heavyweight Championship from officials at ringside and clutching it to his chest. His face the image of a “sour puss,” KIN backpedals up the ramp…when all of a sudden, the crowd ROARS!)

O’CONNOR: “NOVA! ITS NOVA!”

(CLOSEUP: HIROSHI backpedals right into NOVA, turns violently around like he’s about to swing the title at NOVA but stops short…and hands him hi