We do have cameras taping for a Special DVD release down the line, we’ve got WILDSTAR (flashes 5 fingers) opening up the show besides Sean Toombs as our Sirius channel 420 crackles to life. By god, we’re getting our brains back as Calamity’s working the crowd…you’d be amazed at how much white trash titty he can get shown in public. I think its cause his tongue moves so fast, when he talks.

Hey! Wildstar discussing wrestling as Sean Toombs starts wondering if Craig Miles can dominate the slot machines and run through a gang of hookers while on his stay… call it what ‘ya wanna.

I don’t know? What do you call that? I got too high five minutes ago before trying to talk?

The general admission to the Orleans Arena started to pour in and you could just judging by the fact this was called the SUPERfan Summit in honor of the thousands of free fanclub tickets, well…NFW fans Plus Vegas Equals Praying to God the 9-1-1 Patrol doesn’t come in with tear gas.

A.D.D. SMELLS THE ROSES

With a…FLASH! the lights pitched a curveball to darkness, back to a change-up to blinding my freaking eyes white as “Papercut Skin” by the Matches took over the sound-waves here in Vegas.

NFW regulars… you know, the drunkest of the bunch didn’t know too much about this the man named Archie Danger Doyle or more appropriately…A.D.D., which stood for Archie Danger Doyle. Surely if his name resembled his personality – they’d nearly all have something to relate to, immediately.

NFW marks… you know, the losers who check-up on NFW’s homepage on a day-to-day basis and see a bunch of horribly organized crap that doesn’t seem like its been updated in three years might consider his condition highly regarded.

A.D.D’s stalking figure stood at 6’2 nearly 300 pounds and came stomping out from the back with a wicked stupid smile on his face. The fans gave him some what of a better response as opposed to Justin Rose who didn’t even get theme music and his ring attire was nearly entirely covered in eggs, tomatoes and small infants… err? Ok, no music = no get up in this land.

Welcome to Vegas folks, you can bet your ass bookies stationed all around the arena and even inside were calling out last minute bets for this “dark match” where the winner was virtually “unknown” at this very point.

The minute Danger Doyle’s feet hit the canvas of the ring… that stupid smile was wiped off his face… call it bipolar or call it what ‘ya wanna… this man means business once he hits the ring.

Rose, in the other corner looked rather timid… constantly looking up and around the arena, he hadn’t wrestled in front of this many since… ever.

The bell sounded and Rose took a chance charging at the MUCH larger beast of a man in ADD.

He also paid for it, HUGE time.

Rose found his back on the canvas and the taste of nickle in his mouth nearly instantly after a big-time power clothesline from ADD.

The onslaught did not stop there, either.

ADD continued by picking his opponent for the night up and using the ropes to his advantage, shooting him against them, following up with a running spinning elbow delivered with AUTHORITY.

BOOM!

The crowd literally shook as Rose was laid out on his back… in the midst of what appeared to be a seizure. Calamity talked about the time he caught Bloodhunt hanging out with Michael Manson in Japan for the first time, but mercifully Wildstar gave the pause.

After some more dominance… Rose got his shot after a low-blow when ADD gave him a second too long to recover and Rose strung together a nice series of punches… followed up with the standard bulldog and leg drops.

But when ADD got back to his feet… toe to toe, the man monster would not be taken over. This was his best bet in the entire match-up and Rose tried squirming out of the back drops and german suplexes but it was no use… instead it shook the arena because it made ADD FORCE Rose to receive these sickening neck-drops. Wildstar being able to call the wrestling match as Calamity remarks about the size of cleavage in the crowd is strangely entertaining.

Not long after a sickening German Suplex that looked as if it was delivered by Yoshahmarama Takadamagayama himself… Rose’s chin and lips were covered in blood. By the way, he’s the man that once taught Joe the Plumber his thunderous shocker.

…Gross.

…anyway, Wildstar said it wasn’t like ADD really rocked his jaw too much, this was internal bleeding that came from the stiff delivery of maneuvers. Sean Toombs said he developed morphine mouthguards to counteract the long-term effects. Wildstar didn’t speak for another ten seconds.

ADD was enlisting himself as an impressive force here and it was obvious he’d make a career here and wasn’t no one-night lerch Miles pays to gets dropped on their neck and spend the night in the Hospital.

ADD was, may I? (sure Bobby) …a force to be reckoned with. (who the f*ck is Bobby?)

ADD knew this was wrapped up…judging by the drool on Rose’s face…

After ADD decided to relax for a minute – Rose took full advantage and surprisingly hooked a small package that had the underdog gambling addicts on their feet, hoping he’d string together a series of attacks that would gain him a W as Doyle kicked out.

Rose bounced into the opposing ropes coming back and delivering a drop-kick to ADD’s chin that may have done more harm than good for Rose.

Because, ADD rushed back to his feet with a menacing look on his face and Rose resorted to running into the opposing ropes but instead was caught red-handed by Danger Doyle, himself.

…in the form of a blatant choke.

…followed up by a stiff headbutt and then… what appeared to be ADD’s finishing maneuver.

A tilt-a-whirl backbreaker that was delivered unlike any former NFW competitor had delivered before…mainly because Justin Rose no get up. ADD landed a three-count and his first victory here in the NFW.

FELIX RED vs. BROCK ALYAS

New Frontier Wrestling is the home of perpetual motion in the wrestling world. There is no set identity for a world always drawing in the stylistic preferences of freakazoid humans that somehow decide they want to break necks for a living.

For example:

Felix Red.

Brock Alyas.

Seemingly, two different eras of New Frontier Wrestling on the slate for this evening, but moving in two completely different directions. Alyas being built upon the bodies of helpless individuals merely standing in the way of his force of nature.

But Felix Red, the former NFW World Champion is becoming the movable object trying to keep the Astral Plane from imploding. An icon of Season 2 trying to find his way in what that foundation built…and not being rewarded in the least. So what does he do? Hire a lawyer that starts moaning from the pain in his balls when he thinks getting a blowjob on fire.

Enter: Madonna Wayne Grossard – a personality so obscene, I dare not describe except for the black leather pants and gas mask coming out of his pants.

Ok, I didn’t really describe any kind of introduction for those wrestlers did I? Then again, I did preface this with the fact I’m camping out with Craig Miles at a heroin peddling lakeside state park in the deserts of Henderson, Nevada.

Oh hey, the bell! Look at Wildstar describing the contrast of style and accurately describing everything I’d ever need to know about a wrestling match and how they work when the big guy takes on the small guy.

Alyas comes out cocky as Grossard’s working the crowd on the outside. Brock wraps a side headlock, but his eyes bulge as Felix somehow jumps off the ropes flipping out, landing behind him. Dropkick. Drop Toe Hold. Front Slide Dropkick. Brock’s out of the ring and staring at a man with a gas mask being pelvic thrusted out of his pants in the name of Estonian hookers by M.W.G.

Welcome to NFW, Brock.

That’s cause Felix Red just suicide plancha bulldogged your grill into the cement as the now nearly filled up Orleans Arena was getting ROWDY. Felix jumped on the barricade, photographers flashed the first ‘PERFECT 10’ photo of the night as he raised his arms and MOONSAULT PRESSED Brock back down!

Fight ensues, heads back to the ring and Felix goes for a Hurricanrana…and gets powerbombed onto the turnbuckles for his troubles! GOOD WAVY GRAVY! Felix’s eyes loll as Brock drags him out with a Lion’s roar and institutes the first GIANT SWING I may have ever witnessed in New Frontier Wrestling!

Crowd marks for the old-school as Felix kips up, but sells the dizziness and eats a running lariat. Two count for Brock. Alyas rips him up, hooks around the waist and plants with a Belly to Belly Suplex. Two count again and Brock’s up, getting ready for another Suplex which Felix tries to fight off with a rapid flurry of fists. Felix breaks out from the grasp, runs off the ropes, ducks under a clothesline and completely eats a whiplashing Overhead Belly to Belly Suplex on the rebound sends him skidding nearly out of the ring.

Wildstar and Toombs are loving it, Calamity’s getting chicks to do beer bongs…life is good everywhere in NFW and you just better learn to enjoy it!

Felix Red, can even appreciate the scene as he does roll outside the ring and starts hanging out with the fans…over the barricade…possibly puking. Alyas is out. I’m not exactly sure Felix’s eye shadow will hide the fact his face is getting bashed into steel. Felix stumbles around and flops facefirst into the ring stairs. TEN BONUS POINTS for not even using anything to brace impact.

Calamity says some fans just got queasy and he now will always respect Felix. Brock Alyas says F*CK that. He picks, scoops and drops Felix throatfirst over the barricade and then heads back in the ring, expecting victory.

Felix ironically gets in at the 13 count and walks into a Spinning Stun Gun. Of course, Felix SOMEHOW stays on his feet stumbling around…KATAHAYAHAJAMHAMI SUPLEX!

Neck Broken.

Seriously, Brock Alyas is a hazard to society. Nobody in the crowd is even making a peep as Felix is motionless.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

Ok, that’s what I really wanted you to think, but that’s not what happened. Only because Madonna Wayne Grossard put Felix’s foot on the bottom rope and thereby prevented Alyas from getting the victory over the man that WON the NFW Tag Team Summit without a true partner.

So, what do you do if your Brock Alyas?

Break.

His.

N—See, that Overhead Exploder was scouted. Felix cracked Brock in the head with a vicious knee that stunned Alyas and allowed Felix to fire back with a spinning leg clothesline that sent Brock into a tumble and tangle in the ropes. M.W.G. seizing opportunity tried to hook in some weird spider-man sutra sexual tarantula and as Brock fought him off, Felix ran into him with a…

SHINING WIZAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD!

Aw, fuck yeah.

Fans are getting pumped, Felix is putting the rookie out to pasture. Alyas looks like he’s gotten worked over harder than a fraudulent Swedish Accountant that liked little boys in San Quentin. Let’s just say he’s one sticky piece of Swedish Fish.

So, if you’re Felix Red, what do you leave the SUPERfan Summit with?

Alyas gets up at 10.

Felix Red is on the TOP turnbuckle.

WHO-CAN-RANA?

FELIXCANRANA!

BROCK OVER THE BARRICADE!

HE’S TAKING A SHOWER OF MILLER DRAFT!

Now, Felix rolls in the ring…stands up…and he believes he’s got victory. Yeah, Alyas beat the count. What can ya do? Shove a firecracker up Lee-Baby Sims’ ass while security isn’t watching?

FUCK THAT.

THIS ISN’T NOVA SCOTIA YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!

No offense to Nova.

Brock’s in the ring at 15 and Felix is cracking his skull with the Felix sidekicks that makes the crowd squirm and scream. Felix hits a cradle suplex for a two. Red springboards into a bodypress for a two. Victory Roll.

ONE.

TWO.

THR.

Just kidding.

Brock fires out and hits a kick to the gut. DOUBLE UNDERHOOK SITOUT BOMB.

ONE.

TWO.

Nyet.

Mainly because M.W.G. leapt off the top rope and nailed Brock with an elbow to the head. Hey, that’s the bell ringing. Hey, that’s Alyas getting disqualified because…Felix Red is…CHEATING?! OH HEAVENS TO BETSY!

Brock’s trying to fight out of the stomping as Felix fights to his feet, the bell ringing. Grossard whips a bottle out of only where a wizard could find it. Its flammable? FUCK YEAH, ITS FLAMMABLE.

…and he’s attaching the cloth to his pants.

And that’s when Brock Alyas is going to say, “OK, Fuck THAT. I won the match right?” RIGHT. Felix Red doesn’t seem to care. Then again, why should he? Its people like Brock Alyas that he’s getting censored for…this is the guy he wouldn’t mind getting taken out.

Alyas points at Felix, making threats from outside the ring as Grossard humps the mat and puts out the fire.

I don’t think this DVD is going to be PG-13.

Wildstar says Felix Red is wasting away what’s left of prime before he knows it. He’s disappointed. Obviously, he needs to smoke a doober.

TERESA Q vs. IMPULSE (non-title)

Up next was a surprise little decision as Teresa Q was scheduled for a twenty minute time limit match against Impulse that was a non-title affair. Immediately upon hearing the non-title stipulation, every freaking Vegas bet put all their money on Impulse and the 20-1 odds.

Impulse and Quaranta started off pretty evenly, with the opening tie-up going to the National Champion. After a few quick moves, however, the newcomer to NFW was able to get in some offense of his own. A very nice snap suplex was floated over into a pinning attempt, but Quaranta quickly kicked out. After a brief tumble to the outside, Teresa got the upper hand and was able to ram Impulse shoulder-first into the turnbuckle and corral him back into the ring. She wrapped him up in a grounded octopus stretch to keep him from boucing around and hitting her with his potent high flying, high risk offense.

But it wouldn’t be long before Impulse was able to bust free and break out some of that out-of-this-world moveset. After dodging a Quaranta clothesline, he spingboarded off the ropes with a SPECTACULAR corkswcrew moonsault that wiped Quaranta out. He saw a follow-up chance, and hit again with a springboard moonsault. He tried again for a standing Shooting Star Press, but the National Champion rolled away and was able to halt the onslaught by rolling to the outside. But Impulse gave her no room to breathe – he launched himself with a HUGE AIR Quebrada – but Quaranta dodged him and sent him right into the guardrail!

For the next few minutes of the 20 Minute time limit match, Quaranta dominated like the champion she’s proven herself to be. She hit the unique Apple of Discord and followed it with the rule-bending Tarantula that almost tore up Impulse’s back. She backed him into the corner and worked over his legs with stomps and kicks to try and halt his aerial attack. After a failed comeback that saw Impulse land a Tornado DDT and get a near fall, Teresa countered a Northern Lights suplex with a Snap DDT of her own and got a count of two and a half.

The next few minutes saw some furious back and forth action. Impulse hit a Yakuza kick and got another near fall. Quaranta wrapped him up soon after with small package, but Impulse was able to roll into one of his own and get a near fall. Quaranta almost put Impulse away, but her Process of Illumination was blocked! A double clothesline then wiped out both competitors!

From there, it was all Impulse. With a great mix of stiff strikes and high risk offense, he had Teresa on the ropes. He drilled her with a Sudden Impact and JUST MISSED an upset, but she kicked out at two and a half. After grounding her with a bodyslam, the loud speakers erupted that there was THIRTY seconds left in the match. Maybe the rookie wanted to get off the shneid with his first win in NFW, maybe he knew that it was now or never to win the match…either way, he decided to take to the air and went for a Shooting Star Press off the top rope!

AND MISSED! Terera Q. rolled away and Impulse Crashes and burns! She rolled over and got the three count and the win!

Teresa Q. got the pinfall at 19:45 in a “GREAT match!” according to Wildstar who really believes Impulse will have a future once he figures out how to close out these opportunities he’s getting.

DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS.

As Teresa and Impulse were spent on the mat, both nearly hacking out their lungs…the lights hit pitch black, the speed-metal thrashing music fired out and LEGION and LUCI-4 were steamrolling down the ramp, both their arms wrapped in barbed wire!

Luci quickly stomped a mudhole in Impulse, knocking him out of the ring where medical staff quickly got to his attention. The victorious National Champion wasn’t granted as easy as an exit. DOUBLE BARBED WIRE CLOTHESLINE. Teresa thrashed around for that one, until Legion wrapped her legs up and was turning her over for the Curbstomp.

NUH-UH.

Luci instead springboards driving a barbed-wire elbow to the back of Teresa’s skull. Wildstar’s freaking out that Teresa doesn’t even know who’s challenging for her title, while Calamity calls him a moron for missing the whole point of this lovely wake-up call from Legion.

Legion gets the mic.

And gives Teresa Q two options.

1: Sign his National Championship Title challenge.
2: Have her career ended right here in Vegas.

Teresa spits in his face, and before she knows what’s going on…Legion’s lifting her into a torture rack as Luci climbs the turnbuckles. Now would be a good time to mention that Rook Black is NOT in the building.

…approximately three seconds after feeling smart about myself, SOMEONE ELSE runs down the aisle to a standing ovation!

’XXX’ Sean Stevens

Ok, so maybe he’s already laid out his own Wrestlestock 2 challenge to Teresa Q that got rejected. Maybe I didn’t snarf out my soup when he blamed his absence on a shattered ankle that’s led him to some Sweet Sixteen action out in Merritt Trophy land, or even better…being Dan Ryan’s monkeyman.

Anyway, the fans can dig it and I can dig the fact we might actually have an accomplished WRESTLER to face Teresa Q. Dear God, Wildstar just said the same thing. SHOOT ME NOW.

Luci’s pushed off the top rope as Legion dumps Teresa in time to take a Missile Dropkick to the jaw that sends him flying. Teresa uses the distraction to roll out of the ring, looking around paranoid into the crowd screaming “If anyone else wants to jump out of nowhere and attack me, I’ll cut you!”

Ok, that wasn’t a weird rationalization or anything, Q. She seems to be going out of her skull and trying to get out of Dodge as Legion and Stevens are staring each other down in the ring…

VOODOO CHILE.

Jimi’s roaring intro brings out EL PRESIDENTE! Eddie Mayfield with a gleaming smile, Cojones and the rest of the Revolutionary Insurgents by his side. As is becoming a humorous push of the fast-forward with everything around here, Mayfield quickly runs down everyone in the ring from Stevens’ chokejobbing to Teresa to Legion being more likely to scrub dishes than wrestle for a title after only winning a few good matches in NFW over drug addicts and scrubs.

Mayfield soaks in the boos, fires up a cigar. I feel Wrestlestock 2 announcements.

BOOM.

Mayfield first goes after Legion again accusing him of wearing the barbed wire, but not FEELING it. Manipulation only gets a man so far, so he’ll face his own conundrum as he’ll be embroiled in a BARBED WIRE POSTS match with Luci4 as his tag partner against ROOK BLACK (YAY! Goes the crowd) and a partner of ROOK’s choosing.

…not the regime’s because Legion now has to worry about Rook’s FREE-WILL…’cause he won’t be able to use Teresa Q. Besides that beautiful segue, all three announcers agree with Eddie’s call, so everyone has to finish what their drinking RIGHT NOW.

…

God, I hate Beast Light.

Eddie then goes on to berate Teresa for taking the National Championship down the same garbage match crap that Joe the Plumber’s been swimming in for a year. So, she’ll be defending the title under NFW’s first-ever sanctioned PRO-WRES rules match, where ANY foreign objects will result in automatic disqualification. Since Mayfield’s scared of Stevens getting hurt from a chairshot, he says its finally SAFE for him to wrestle.

So there you have it.

You think one day they’ll just release a movie called “Booking in 60 Seconds?” WTF?

HEY JOE! …OH NO!

The surrealistic nature of this next moment in time is not one that was ever wished upon the world. There was a man named Joe the Plumber. A man that was the epitome of the poorest part of our society. Fighting. Scrapping. Shoveling. Whatever it took to climb atop the mountaintops of the world.

Tonight, he planted his flag onto that peak.

Little did he know about the consequences.

It started innocently enough as it does for Joe, but perhaps the cameras for the DVD appearance were not here for such simple reasons. Joe stormed down the ramp to no music as fans immediately started buzzing as flies encircled his caked over Television Championship.

Joe got a mic.

He looked pained. HE YELLED. OH HOW HE YELLED.

NO RESPECT. NO LOVE.

RYAN. NOVA. FELIX. KIN. THE WORLD. Nobody could stop the all-time BOUUUUUUSE (what the fuck is a bousse? Ugh. I said the same thing as Wildstar AGAIN.)

Joe had held the Television Championship for one year and still had NOT been granted his own shot at being DA WORLD CHAMP for New Frontier Wrestling. There was no respect for the Joe, so he was calling out ALL of New Frontier Wrestling to face him at Wrestlestock 2. THAT TO PROVE he was the best…he would face ANYONE man enough to meet him at Wrestlestock 2.

That’s when the fans knew something was going on that there’d be no turning back from....

One by One they started walking out.

Impulse out first. Right after his freaking match! NO GUTS! NO GLORY!

…Lord Coyner Pollard.

Phil Atken.

…DIRK DICKWOOD!?!

A.D.D.

…CAMERON CRUISE.

…BRIAN DUNCAN.

The fans started getting crazy, but that’s when Joe CACKLED. He GUFFAWED. He rip-roaringly laughed…

…until he heard the music.

The groove.

The slingin’ funk pancake of a beat that brought BIG BILL JUDO to the street.

Or so he said.

The Bankrupt Brawler had made some cash from suing Akon over using some of his life stories as material for his platinum-selling albums from what I could make out. Nevertheless, he had struck a deal with the devil himself.

I don’t know who looked more savage…Bill or some of the guys that he said CRAIG MILES himself had told him to find around the world. To help him DETHRONE the Television Champion.

The ugliest thing ever to walk out of Uganda rumbled out, and I’m not sure if he smelled the worst…or the Evil James. The Varga. Someone make sure that Legion isn’t shooting up crack and licking his lips, please.

You hear stories about those types of men, they usually involve missing livers and voodoo rituals to the moon goddesses of some country you need to click 6 times with your tongue just to say.

Next, a couple of men in TIGER MASKS walked out which seemed highly suspicious. Wildstar immediately cursed. Mainly ‘cause back in his day, him and TSUNAMI used those masks to set-up some folks named Battleship…and CRAIG MILES.

They ran towards the ring as Joe readied, but he was overwhelmed as Pollard and Dirk jumped in the fray after waiting for a few moments. (Atken following quickly, he’s such a girl.) Joe was under attack! Everyone stomping the TV Champion…

FRONTIERtron: CRAIG MILES. Ruh-oh.

Miles watched the action, smoking his cigarette and smirking. Big Bill turned around and stumbled back in shock to the silver sunglassed Generalissimo. He told Bill that this wasn’t about his revenge, just that title. So Miles said he ALSO went around the world, looking for WRESTLERS capable of defeating any freak he’s found. Then out came Andy Murray! The British Bomber! Indy sensations Steve Knox and Mary-Lynn Mayweather! If that wasn’t enough, I could’ve sworn I saw a clown. A very, very weird clown that hopped over the barricade and tried to HELP Joe, but the tide of 15 wrestlers battling in the ring overtook him..

Matt Johansson came sprinting in behind Murray, Knox and some others. Apparently, something’s brewing for this TV Title and that’s when Eddie Mayfield’s face pops on the FRONTIERTRON as MILES steps away.

The fans roar as Mayfield announces that Joe’s reign will face its GREATEST challenge for its anniversary. A RANDOM RUMBLE. TWENTY-FIVE MEN with the lone survivor becoming the NEW TELEVISION CHAMPION.

...DEAR GOD.

INSANE.

It is definitely moments like this I’m very happy I get a free pass to this show.

The INSURGENTS storm the ring with fire extinguishers, blasting guys in the face and out of the ring as LAS VEGAS P.D. gets a crowd pop for rushing out and helping detain the horde of wrestlers involved in the mess. Faces start helping the security, heels are doing anything to break the clutches and escape into the crowd. Big Bill Judo climbs up the freaking FRONTIERtron to escape.

Sweet moses, that man’s a psychotic and more limber David Carradine.

Did I just type that?

DAN RYAN © vs. NOVA: NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MAIN EVENT

The big one.

The tapes rolling for one of those matches that’ll come up on YouTube in approximately 24 hours.

P-Funk. Laser Light Show.

NOVA’s out first and the fans are ROARING. If anyone has questions about Nova’s promo this week concerning Dan Ryan, please find your nearest time machine to the year 1978 and drive yourself to Detroit. Find George Clinton smoke 8 pounds of PCP with him and just sit back after asking him to explain how God taught him funk.

There’s a lot of smoke billowing in this arena as everyone’s loading up the one-hitters and joints. Nova starts pointing them out in approval standing on the turnbuckles.

ZERO starts riffing and repeating as the strobe lights flicker everywhere.

IT’S DAN RYAN…AND HE’S WALKING!

Wildstar’s excited for this one, Calamity’s saying he can’t see in this manmade fog and Toombs is coughing. Welcome to NFW Brawl folks, the only radio wrestling show satellite broadcasted on Earth with an announcer that might have taken a bong hit and you’ll never know.

MIGHT…HA!

The belt’s sparkling around Ryan’s waist. I’m still not sure where Ryan ranks this title, or where he ranks on the list of NFW champions. This one’s important to say the least, he’s had some pretty bad luck against Nova and the frustations were showing in his promo to say the least.

In case you didn’t hear his promo – Dan Ryan’s apparently putting his career on the line for the Wrestlestock 2 match. This may only be his NFW career considering that’d be Ryan skipping out on 367 different leagues spread across 6 continents and 12 galaxies, but still…

DAYUM.

Wildstar’s fired up. I’m fired up. Toombs is firing up and Calamity is doing his best to get fired by asking a 13 year old kid if he’s got any beer. Ryan gets referee Greg Herpin to raise the belt in the air to wolf whistles.

…

WE’RE UNDERWAY.

Now, I’m not going into full detail over a thirty minute plus match that tore the roof and how Dan Ryan executed the correct wrist grasp on his armbar. I’ll leave that to Wildstar’s Bob Costian impression that gets only funnier each time he asks Toombs a question, he coughs…laughs and says “What?”

Match starts off with Ryan trying to get in Nova’s head by tossing him out of a few lockups to the ground…Nova looking out to the crowd as they start getting loud. Nova tries to get sneaky quickly ducking into a waistlock, but Ryan backpedals into a reverse avalanche in the corner. Ryan’s quickly going to the body with shoulderblocks, Irish Whip and…Nova’s out of the way of an Avalanche Clothesline. Ryan staggers out into the Back Body Drop, rushes up into a dropkick and falls through the ropes and lands on his feet.

Fans already digging the match as Nova bounds off the ropes and flies through with a suicide dive, but let’s not forget this is FUCKING DAN RYAN MOTHERFUNKER!

Ryan CATCHES Nova and drops him throatfirst over the barricade as Orleans Arena loses it and Wildstart exclaims the huge shift in momentum it’ll give Ryan. Nova stumbles and staggers as Ryan gets into ready-position…WHAM! JUMPING CLOTHESLINE and the whole house starts barking as Ryan looks out with a cocky smirk. Ryan doesn’t waste any precious time and cracks Nova’s head over the barricade, the stairs and the ringpost.

Rolling back in around the 13 count, Nova’s still crawling, hacking and coughing so Ryan puts a knee into his back, clutching into a reverse chinlock. Then, Ryan’s generous and decides to say “Screw the Chin, let’s just pull his eyes and gums apart.”

What a swell guy, eh? Herpin starts yelling for a five count, we’ve got a break and Ryan rips Nova up and hoists him over his shoulders. Airplane Spin…and then Ryan launches Nova off his shoulders and drops him over the ropes THROATFIRST! I’m sensing a theme that Ryan really hates Nova when he talks.

Nova tries to walk away in a stagger, but Ryan gathers him up and drops him with a Stun Gun. Craig Miles must be seething. Ryan goes for the cover, gets the two count and a frantic kickout. Ryan slams down Nova’s shoulders and we get a repeat two.

Wildstar says that maybe Ryan wanted this match because it was so close to the Pay-Per-View and felt confident he could OUTLAST Nova, if he jumped on him from the start.

Ryan gets a couple of near pinfalls after a Piledriver and Implant DDT. Nova’s in trouble, Ryan’s sensing he’s got him and gets him up on his shoulders…possibly setting up a Houston Stampede, but Nova slips out the backdoor and Ryan turns around into a desperation clothesline that connects. Ryan doesn’t fall over, but falls backwards into the turnbuckles stunned as Nova wearily pushes himself back up to his feet as Ryan charges out…Nova with a boot to the gut and DEE! DEEEEEEE! TEEEEE! [/O’CONNOR]

Ryan was conked, Nova crawled around on all fours with the arena stomping and clapping…Nova gets up, grabs Ryan and hoists him up and ONTO the turnbuckles. Crowd gets loud as Nova gets on the apron, starts climbing up the turnbuckles next to Ryan and grabs him in a front facelock. BLAM! Wildstar dubs this one the ‘MOONDOG BOOGIE,’ but it’s really just a top rope bulldog. Of course, that doesn’t make Ryan any happier.

Nova shoots up, fists pumps with the crowd and flies off the ropes hitting a leaping legdrop across the back of Ryan’s skull. Nova rolls him over, only gets the two…and he’s going back to the top rope. Ryan gets up as he gets perched.

DOUBLE AXEHANDLE.

Ryan staggers around into a body slam, the crowd’s going crazy. They’ve seen the MACHOFUNK before! Nova’s scrambling up to the top rope and flies off and hits the Elbow Drop! ONE!

TWO.

THR-HA. NO.

Ryan THROWS Nova off and that has the Eaglestar bug-eyed in shock.

Nova responds by getting Ryan hooked and ready for the Bourbon For Breakfast. Only Ryan counters out with Nova in a slam position, but Nova counters with by sliding off the shoulders. Nova goes for a German Suplex, but Ryan elbows him in the head, catches him with a knee to the gut and catches him with a Jacknife Powerbomb! ONE! TWO! Nova pulls Ryan’s hair and through into a small package! ONE! TWO! Ryan reverses it! ONE! TWO! Nova reverses it! ONE! TWO!

Crowd has a heart attack as the two wrestlers kickout at the same time and stumble towards each other. Nova with the boot to the gut and the INNOVATOR Corkscrew Cradle Suplex! ONE! TWO! Ryan kicks out!

Fans are going wild as Nova scales the top ropes again as Ryan stumbles up…TOP ROPE SUNSET FLIP! …but Ryan WON’T go over!

NUTSHOT! RYAN’S DOWN! RYAN’S DOWN!

ONE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO.

RYAN FLIPS OUT. He’s got Nova by the legs. STOMP TO THE GROIN.

TEXAS CLOVERLEAF.

And just like that, the wind underneath the Rising Star’s fans wings were clipped. Nova found himself underneath 300 pounds and his spine cracking. Somehow, Nova got the ropes to force the break…but that was after a few minutes. Ryan smelled the blood and reeled Nova into a standing headscissors, dropping him down with a SITOUT BOMB for a pin. ONE! TWO! With a shocking kickout, Nova found himself with a jackknife pin position on Ryan!

ONE!

TWO!

Ryan bridged out and Nova screamed as his injured back got arched, then his body turned over into a Ryan standing headscissors. Ryan vaulted Nova up, but the momentum was used by the Rising Star to hook in a Tornado DDT! Nova crawled over and slumped onto Ryan for the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Ryan shot his shoulder up and Nova cried in agony. Naturally, Nova decided to try and climb the turnbuckles…with his back facing Ryan, some sort of crazy flippity Moonsault was on the horizon for the match.

Only…Dan Ryan stumbled up as Nova took too long getting set ‘cause of his injured back. And that wasn’t helped by Ryan lifting him OFF the turnbuckles in a Powerbomb position!

WHAM! POWERBOMB!

…and Ryan held on.

He lifted up Nova again.

WHAM! A second powerbomb on the turnbuckles HUSHED the crowd. Ryan kept Nova locked around the waist…and lifted him up a THIRD TIME.

HIGH AS THE MOON IN HOUSTON.

WHAM! HUMILITY BOMB!

Ryan didn’t go for the pin.

With his career on the line, Dan Ryan was not going to go gently in the goodnight.

He positioned an unconscious Nova head away from the ropes, then hooked the TEXAS CLOVERLEAF again. The crowd started screaming as NOVA yelled in pain for a mere few seconds before collapsing back into unconscious.

Herpin raised Nova’s arm three times…and the Rising Star’s arm fell EACH TIME.

Orleans Arena was breathless as the bell rang and Ryan NOT letting go of the hold. Herpin tried to pull him off, Insurgents ran out…and slowly walking, smoking his cigarette was CRAIG MILES.

Ryan broke the hold as the troops hit the ring and rolled out with a large smile on his face. He grabbed the NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP at ringside and held it in the air, ignoring HERPIN even trying to raise his hand. A very mixed reaction ensued moreso of the ending of the match, Nova still not moving in the ring.

Medical staff rolled in, the stretcher starts getting brought in…

And Miles starts kicking them in the head! The crowd starts marking as Miles throws the stretcher into the crowd. Ryan immediately gets suspicious and gets out of Dodge as there’s now only two men in the ring.

An unconscious Nova and Craig Miles.

Miles starts yelling at Nova to get up, starts screaming at him to stand up for himself…the scene just getting weirder as the insults get worse. Wildstar is wondering what the hell is going on as a completely zonked Toombs noted that this seems awfully familiar to previous Western Conference ritualistic moments that Nova’s been through.

Calamity intelligently noted this didn’t just getting his spinal cord CREMATED.

FINALLY, Nova stirred. Miles kept shouting. Kept screaming. He was through two cigarettes as the SUPERfan Summit looked at each other in shock. With his last ounce of energy, Nova stood and fell into Craig Miles’ arms…the Generalissimo held him up…and put Nova’s arm around his neck.

And as the ‘coda’ music of the evening blared, the house lights fired on…the SUPERfan Summit watched Nova be helped to the back by Craig Miles. Something was afoot in FRONTIERLAND, a wild Wrestlestock 2 ride in the waiting wings.

SPECIAL DVD BONUS FEATURE