Welcome to the Jungle
Lemon Snowcones
Dan Ryan vs. Felix Red
Joe the Plumber © vs. Nova
National Championship Final: Teresa Q vs. Rook Black
Chicken
EMT Final: The Dream Team vs. The Hollywood Wrecking Crew
Dan Ryan © vs. ?

Welcome to the Jungle

(FADEIN: An overhead panoramic shot from the Rose Garden rafters! Cameras flashes are fluttering, flickering and flustering stoners with their eyepopping trails of light! Otherwise, we’re in pitch black mode.)

KERRY O’CONNOR (V/O) “WEEEEEEEEEE ARE LIIIIIIIIIIIVE FROM PORRRRRRRRRRRTLAND, OREGAHHHHHHHHN! (LOUD POP!) SOLD OUT WITH TWENTY THOUSAND PLUS IN THE ROSE GARDEN! (ANOTHER POP!) YOU HAVE PASSED GROUND ZERO! YOU CANNOT TURN AROUND AND GO HOME! DEEEEEEEP AT THE CORE OF THE WRESTLING REVOLUTIONNNNNNNNNN!”

(CUTTO: Fireworks explode EVERYWHERE, but in your momma’s baggy pants! The crowd marks as the FRONTIERtron and SMOKEscreen wall start shooting sparklers from all sides!)

O’CONNOR: “THIS IS SSSSSSSSSSUPERCRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(MUSICUP: ‘Sleep Now in the FIRE’ – RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, the theme song of the Wrestling Revolucion!)

(QUICK CUTTO: As Zach De La Rocha screams “YEEAAAAAAAAH!” during the funkified distorted guitar crunch, DAN RYAN is turning FELIX RED inside out with a running clothesline as KIN HIROSHI watches from the mat from CRASHMAS 6!)

The world is my expense
The cost of my desire

(CUTTO: NOVA taking repeated Dusty-styled elbow smashes to the head by JOE THE PLUMBER in the WAR GAMES match! QUICK CUTTO: NOVA hitting the flippity Arabian Facebuster Top Rope Legdrop on YORI from Wrestlebowl 2! QUICK CUTTO: JTP dropping MITTENS T. CAT on his head into a gravy-covered ring with a PILEDRIVER!)

Jesus blessed me with its future

(QUICK CUTTO: MARCUS CAMERON hitting a High-Angle Powerbomb on DEACON from Ultratitle Season 2! MICHAEL MANSON wrapping up SHANE SOUTHERN with the tourniquet as they both hang upside down tied to a ladder during Wrestlebowl 1!)

And I protect it with fire

(FLASH CUTTO’s of PAT BLACK being lit on fire in a trashcan! EDDIE MAYFIELD throwing a fireball at TOM ADLER! CRAIG MILES lighting his chair on fire, MAYFIELD standing across from him during Wrestlebowl 2…doing the same thing!)

So raise your fists and march around

(QUICK CUTTO’s: TERESA Q and ROOK BLACK getting their arms raised in victory in their successive National Championship Series victories!)

Dont dare take what you need

(HIGHLIGHT REEL: Q hitting a top rope hurricanrana! ROOK nailing a discus lariat! TERESA with a moonsault plancha! ROOK with a vicious Gauntlet Backhand! TERESA punching PHIL ATKEN’s face to a bloody pulp! ROOK taking stomps from LEGION!)

I'll jail and bury those committed

(FLASH CUTTO’S: The infamous MIKE RANDALLS ‘Discomforting Elbow ‘Heard Round the World’! ELI FLAIR monkey bar tossing himself onto NOVA during the infamous ‘How the West Was Won’ Western Championship! CRAIG MILES walking across broken glass barefoot stalking EDDIE MAYFIELD, who’s rubbing shards of glass out of his blood-covered face!)

And smother the rest in greed

(QUICK CUTTO: BLAINE HOLLYWOOD and MALIK ANDERSON raising their arms in victory during the first round of the Everette Memorial Title Tournament! FLASH CUTTO’s: GORDEY dropping TSUNAMI with the Tiger Driver! BLAINE ducking the tennis racket swing from CALVIN CARLTON! MALIK ANDERSON smashing a car door on BRANDON MUELLER’s arm! BRIAN DUNCAN delivering a HIGH-ANGLE Chokeslam to DC STRATTON!)

Crawl with me into tomorrow

(CUTTO: An overjoyed KIN HIROSHI receiving the NFW World Championship amongst blue and white sparklers shooting towards the rafters!)

Or i'll drag you to your grave

(FLASH CUTTO’s: HIROSHI taking the MOONSAULT DOUBLE STOMP from FELIX! HIROSHI running wildly confused in the hallways! DAN RYAN powerbombing JOEY MELTON on concrete, referees signaling for security! FELIX RED pinning DOC SILVER! FELIX holding up the NFW World Championship proudly as Tokyo celebrate!)

I'm deep inside your children

(SPLIT-SCREEN HIGHLIGHT REEL: FELIX RED hooking KIN in the Felix Stretch! Paramedics rushing into the ring! DAN RYAN battling ELI FLAIR outside the ring, a stream of dented chairs surrounding the two bloody titans! DAN RYAN dropping MICHAEL MANSON with the Humility Bomb! DAN RYAN leaping OVER the top rope with a clothesline on JONATHAN MARX! FELIX RED with a Tornado DDT on YYJ! FELIX hitting a Brainbuster on ROOK BLACK!)

They'll betray you in my name

(QUICK CUTTO: BACK LIVE! The Rose Garden, a squadron of missile fireworks in red and white congregate at the peak and explode with a sonic boom, creating a star-shape to a HUGE CROWD POP!)

Hey!
Hey!

(CUTTO: The overhead HD wire-cam swooping over the swarming and moshing crowd! Signs being thrust to the camera read, “DON’T MAKE DAN RYAN ANGRY…YOU WON’T LIKE HIM WHEN HE’S ANGRY!” “FELIX RED SOLD DRUGS TO MY MOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY CARDBOARD PAPER AND A SHARPIE!” The camera keeps its circular path towards the ringside area with a focus on the FRONTIERtron and SMOKEscreens, where at the top are giant replicas of the newly created NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHP and EMT Title Belts, the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP sparkling above it with no name on the nameplate…)

SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE!

(As the camera swerves and swings, more signs are shoved into the center of its lens. “BLAINE HOLLYWOOD CAN KISS MY FOOD STAMPED ASS!” “TERESA Q LOVES STONERS AND BONERS!” “ROOK BLACK’S MIC SPOTS HURT MY BRAIN!”)

SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE!

(CUTTO: Ringside at the announcing table where KERRY O’CONNOR and LAMONT HOLLYWOOD stand proudly for the occasion! O’CONNOR is wearing a green suit and yellow tie, showing a little Irish Oregon Duck pride for the evening, which H’WOOD looks at for a moment and decides to put on his gold-rimmed aviator sunglasses. LAMONT as usual rocks the all-white suit and slacks with white ascot accessorizing.)

O’CONNOR: “Welcome to the OREGON TRAIL portion of the road to WRESTLESTOCK II! Its is the inaugural ball of SUPERCRASH I: CORONATION! I am KERRY O’CONNOR, my partner-in-crime as always is LAMONT HOLLYWOOD and you are watching ESEN TELEVISION in all its glory for the next THREE hours as we crown THREE new CHAMPIONS! It is a night of CORONATION, it is a night that will start defining this age of a WRESTLING REVOLUTION…and Woodman, everyone knows what match you’ll be thinking about all night long as your SON, Blaine Hollywood and Malik Anderson, The HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW take on Mike Gordey and Brian Duncan, THE DREAM TEAM…”

(H’WOOD nods and smiles at the camera with a wink.)

O’CONNOR: “…but there’s three other matches that can swerve, twist and turn this federation in the span of three seconds. JOE THE PLUMBER, Television Champion defends against NOVA, the #1 Contender and waiting dance partner for the NFW World Championship Main Event at WRESTLESTOCK II.”

H’WOOD: (holds his hand up) “First of all, Beanfry…if you think for one moment that I’m worried sick about my son’s match tonight or second-guessing his strategy to do a GQ cover shoot this week during his training…YOU’RE WRONG. (LOUD BOOS! H’WOOD turns out to the crowd and points!) If I wanted the opinion of TWENTY THOUSAND rednecks that either have five wives or five gunracks in their bedroom, YOU DON’T KNOW WHO I AM! (H’WOOD turns back to the camera with a smirk) Tonight, in the center of that ring, the HOLLYWOOD Wrecking Crew will show the WORLD that they aren’t only the GREATEST tag-team in wrestling today, but a threat to be of ALL-TIME.”

(LOUD BOOS! H’WOOD turns back around…)

H’WOOD: “I’d smack your mouth for that language lady, but I just washed my hands and your face looks like it took a money shot of Crisco!”

O’CONNOR: “Lamont, I need you to focus…”

H’WOOD: (putting a hand in Kerry’s face, turning around) “SECOND OF ALL…”

O’CONNOR: (rolling his eyes) “I’m so glad we got to second…”

H’WOOD: “If you think I’m about to even comment on a drugged-out psychotic plumber that carries a pink-tassled plunger co-Television Champion as something remotely more than crackhead retarded facing the only man that’s mother was possibly third-generation crackhead retarded…well, obviously you haven’t received Eddie Mayfield’s memo regarding these certain…PEOPLE.”

(O’CONNOR looks at H’WOOD with confusion, while he folds his arms and looks around snootily while the crowd starts booing again!)

O’CONNOR: “What memo!?”

H’WOOD: (looking Kerry up and down…) “You must be one of THEM.”

O’CONNOR: (shaking his head) “Sometimes, I don’t know why I even bother…alright, well maybe you don’t want to think about the possibilities about a NFW Wrestler becoming the FIRST-EVER DOUBLE CHAMPION with the World and Television Championships.”

H’WOOD: “If its Nova…NO…I don’t think I’d want to at all.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, then…let’s move onto the National Championship Series Final, you’ve got The High Priestiess of Discordia, TERESA Q…”

H’WOOD: “I believe that was emphasized the wrong way, that should’ve been The HIIIIIIIIIIGH Priestess of Discordia, Dyker Chick Leather Awesome.”

O’CONNOR: “…facing…ROOK BLACK…”

H’WOOD: (shaking his head) “No, No…again, you need to emphasize these names correctly. She’s facing MONOTONE MAN SUCKS MY WILL TO LIVE WHEN HE TALKS WITH LEGION.”

O’CONNOR: “Aside from my broadcasting partner’s opinion…I’d like to think that two of the finest athletes we’ve seen in New Frontier Wrestling…with the matches, the trials, the Craig Miles conundrum of a tournament…these two have been through a lot to build up to something SPECIAL tonight. Our first-ever NATIONAL CHAMPION that WILL have a foundation of wrestling excellence, which something that MEMO probably spoke to.”

H’WOOD: “…Maybe. I still say you’re one of them and so is Rook ‘cause whenever he’s within 30 feet of me, I feel like he’s trying to drain my brain’s energy.”

O’CONNOR: “And finally, the MAIN EVENT…the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP…’The Ego Buster’ DAN RYAN and ‘The Boy Who Destroyed the World’ FELIX RED, taking their FOURTH tour of duty against one another now embroiled with a 1-1-1 record against each other…following a HIGHLY controversial finish to Crashmas 6 where a botched pinfall not only cost Ryan the match…but a referee his job as Roland Priest found out the Cojones Mercado way.”

H’WOOD: (laughs) “…HE NO GET UP.”

O’CONNOR: “With strict orders of nobody licensed to be at ringside being banned from the arena…that means only wrestlers and managers are here folks, no LEGION…no RANDALLS…no HIROSHI…this WRESTLING REVOLUTION will allow every match to be fought on their OWN terms and tonight, with DAN RYAN and FELIX RED we will finally break their tie as well as any QUESTIONS regarding the status of our World Championship…”

(Quickly, O’CONNOR looks down putting his finger to his earphone as H’WOOD cocks an eyebrow looking at him and then shrugging to the camera…)

O’CONNOR: “And speaking of the World Championship, we’re receiving word from ‘JUST MARK’ that EL PRESIDENTE EDDIE MAYFIELD is backstage and INSPECTING the locker rooms and if anyone knows anything about FELIX RED’S backstage antics…this could ‘cause a real problem! (crowd gets loud!) I think…I think Mayfield’s actually near Felix’s dressing room, can we get a camera on this?”

Back to the TOC

Lemon Snowcones

(CUTTO: The hallways of the Rose Garden, as we are following behind a trotting ‘Just’ MARK, scanning the corridors while the camera jostles behind him! MARK is wearing something straight out Ryan Seacrest’s closet – Black blazer and jeans, and crisp black Converse One Stars, and some kitschy white tee with gold printing. MARK always reeks of ‘trying-too-hard-itis’, and it oozes over everything he does—even running down a hall. He shouts at the cameraman who’s trying to keep up)

MARK: “Come on Scott – jesus! You run like a girl!”

CAMERAMAN: “You try holding this camera and run, you mutherf-“

MARK (Cutting in) “WAIT! I think I saw him! Let’s hook a left!” (MARK does a slide around the corner and keeps running, but the cameraman stops, as he focuses on ‘Hot Property/El Presidente’ EDDIE MAYFIELD straight ahead, coming out of a room and walking towards him. We can hear MARK screaming “He’s over here!” in the distance. MAYFIELD is wearing his olive drab military outfit with a black bandana around his neck that has the NINTENDO logo repeated all over it.)

MAYFIELD: “Yo, camera dude, who are you looking for? ME? Where’s that douchebag Mark? (Camera pans down the other corridor, as we see MARK listening at doors and knocking loudly on them, screaming ‘EDDDDIIIIIIIIIEeeee’) OK, come on then. (MAYFIELD turns and walks to a door with FELIX RED’s name on it on a whiteboard, and the crowd cheers for that! He knocks on the door, and we hear coughing and beerbottles rolling around on the floor!)

VOICE: “yeah!”

MAYFIELD: (frowning) “R.A.! Are you having a party in there? (We hear more loud coughing, and somebody saying ‘Dude, just flush it’) Okay, I’m keying in. . . (Just then the door opens, and a cloud of smoke rolls out of the room, making EDDIE fan his hands in front of his face, wincing!) Jesus!”

(FELIX RED appears in the smoke sticking his head out the door, and several unknown people scurry out of the room!)

RED: “’Sup. . .”

MAYFIELD: “Listen Felix Red – let’s get something straight. I don’t care what you do to your body, or to your rats in there, (RED looks back in the room, with a sleepy smile) but what I DO care about, is you out there for this world title match. I don’t want any bull[BLEEEEP!] diminishing the product, and if you’re not up to snuff, I’m turning you OFF, right here. (RED’s redder eyes get bigger!)”

RED: “So what are you saying?”

MAYFIELD: “I’m saying… (Producing a clear dixie cup from one of his cargo pockets and smirking) GO PEE IN THIS CUP. (Crowd watching on the SMOKEscreen blow up with noise as RED goggles) Yeah, that’s right. The NFW has just instituted a Wellness plan, and you’re the first up to get checked for. . . performance enhancing, or otherwise. . . (smirks again) narcotics. So that piss had better be clear as a sunny day in San Diego, or you’re OUTTA here.”

(RED looks at MAYFIELD, then the cup, then MAYFIELD again, and sighs)

RED: “Look, let me go to the store first, I need to get some – (MAYFIELD: “NO!”) aright man… just give it here…” (Snatches the cup and slams the door!)

MAYFIELD: (Shouting at the door) “I almost feel like I should go check on you – I wouldn’t put it past you that you keep a Tom Sizemore 2000 plastic jimmy in there! (SFX: groans from inside the room, and the flush of a toilet)

(After a beat, the door opens, and a hand reaches out with a full cup of urine, and MAYFIELD takes it, holding it out at arms length like it’s a radioactive isotope!)

MAYFIELD: “Now I hope this works out in your favor, Felix. These people love you, but I DON’T. You haven’t proved JACK BONE to me, so this had better come back clean as a—HEY!”

(Suddenly, MARK runs into the shot, sweaty, without his jacket, and sporting huge sweat rings under the armpits of his shirt!)

MARK: (Out of breath) “HEY! HEY THERE YOU ARE HEH HEH. . . I finally found you. . . (Nods to RED standing in the doorway) Whattup Red? Oh man… I thought I missed. . . (breathes) what’s that? Man, I’m parched! (MARK snatches the cup from Eddie and CHUGS IT! The crowd watching on the screen let’s out an audible gag! MAYFIELD just stands there in amazement as MARK puts it back, a trickle rolling down his cheek!) He crushes the cup and throws it aside, and sighs, smiling! Both men stare at him in bewilderment!)

MARK: “What?”

MAYFIELD: “. . . Uhh. . . I got nothing.”

(FADEOUT on MARK, smacking his lips and looking confused)

MARK: “Why’d that taste like asparagus?”

Back to the TOC

Dan Ryan vs. Felix Red

(FADEIN: Back LIVE! KERRY O’CONNOR is shaking his head in disbelief, while LAMONT HOLLYWOOD seems way too giddy for anything morally correct to be happening.)

O’CONNOR: “Fans…we’ve just been handed an EDICT from EL PRESIDENTE, the World Heavyweight Championship is being defended in approximately THREE minutes.”

(CUTTO: The crowd in shock! They’re looking at each other and mouthing three simple words: WHAT THE…)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “That’s not even the best part because Eddie Mayfield is TEACHING Felix Red…the Felix Red that resurrected that said championship from the dead hands of Doc Silver.”

O’CONNOR: “Doc Silver isn’t dead…(H’WOOD rolls his eyes)…but Felix Red may be, let’s go backstage and EVERYONE exactly what’s been going on during the break…”

(CUTTO: FELIX RED’S locker room, where RED is on his knees his face covered in white powder as COJONES MERCADO stands menacingly over him with a steel chair cocked and ready! Meanwhile, EDDIE MAYFIELD is pacing back and forth…)

MAYFIELD: “When Bonnie Mayfield caught her only son with a stolen carton of cigarettes, you know what she made me do at the age of thirteen?”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Smoke all of ‘em.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Smoke all of ‘em.”

MAYFIELD: (after a comic pause) “SMOKE ALL OF ‘EM.”

(FELIX pulls some needles out of his arm and as he coughs, a puff of smoke escapes his ears. Suddenly, ‘Just’ MARK runs through the scene completely blurred out ‘cause he’s naked and screaming “I’M THE LIZARD KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!”)

MAYFIELD: “Now, you may be asking yourself why I’m making you do ALL OF YOUR DRUGS right now, just after deciding to schedule your match in the next five minutes…”

(RED’s eyes loll for a moment, before he faceflops into his mountainous pile of cocaine ‘causing a dust cloud.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “This can’t be legal.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Would you take the chairshot or the magic carpet ride? I know what I’M doing.“

MAYFIELD: “Because at this moment, you have STOLEN from the WRESTLING REVOLUTION. You have NEGLECTED it…and now…(MAYFIELD pulls out a Camel and lights it) Its FINALLY going to bite your drugged-out, hipster punk ASS.”

(CUTTO: Back with O’CONNOR and H’WOOD, Lamont laughing as the SMOKEscreens in the background show FELIX getting dragged away from the table by his dreads. Then, all of a sudden…the lights go black!)

(MUSICUP: “Zero” – Smashing Pumpkins!)

O’CONNOR: “I think we’re hitting the starting point of the evening, but its off on one hell of a weird foot!”

(CUTTO: DAN RYAN walking out the entrance ramp, smirking. He looks like he just got out of the showers and is just keeping it simple with his all-black ring attire.)

H’WOOD: “No fanfare going on right now, you can tell this wasn’t the plan…but I’m not one to doubt the vision of Eddie Mayfield.”

(RYAN steps over the top rope as the crowd starts buzzing…the referee in the ring, GREG HERPIN just shrugs at them and then they both share a laugh.)

O’CONNOR: “Dan Ryan’s seemingly overly confident and I’m guessing if he’s aware of Felix Red’s current state, he has every right.”

H’WOOD: “You’re damn right, Beanfry. This isn’t Ultratitle Season Two, if anything we’re BACK in freaking Kansas and Toto’s on my f(BLEEP!)king lap. Felix Red is learning that in a cutthroat fashion that I’m hoping Eddie doesn’t bring out the firing squad for…I think Felix is redeemable, once he stops getting all the drugged out ravers around here…well, the chicks aren’t so bad, they enjoy giving me heh—“

O’CONNOR: “I think that’s enough philosophy time with Lamont Hollywood. Dan Ryan’s in the ring…one of the challengers for what’s looking like will be what WAS the scheduled World Championship main event!”

H’WOOD: “Felix Red couldn’t say that fast ONE time.”

(CUTTO: COJONES MERCADO walking out with FELIX RED slumped over his shoulder, looking like he’s unconscious.)

O’CONNOR: “This really just can’t be happening right now…”

(MERCADO continues hauling RED down the ramp as EDDIE MAYFIELD appears coming out of the curtain and not looking very happy.)

H’WOOD: (over boos!) “HAIL TO EL PRESIDENTE!”

O’CONNOR: “These fans are not liking the turn of events this evening, I mean I can’t blame them…they were EXPECTING more and this…this is a low point for the NFW World Heavyweight Championship.”

(MERCADO puts RED on his feet, which causes him to laugh as he clumsily leans backwards and somehow lands feet first inside the ring. MERCADO shouts triumphantly, “HE YES STAND UP!” RED turns around and waves hello to RYAN, who doesn’t seem amused. Meanwhile, MAYFIELD motions for HERPIN to start the match and the bell rings!)

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red just jumped on the turnbuckles, grabbing at the air…”

(CLOSEUP: RED grabbing at the air…)

RED: “I can touch the notes in the air…”

H’WOOD: “Ok, NOW…we may be at the lowest point.”

O’CONNOR: “Dan Ryan’s just calmly walked in and he’s got Felix Red on this shoulders! …He’s still grabbing at the air, this is insane! (LOUD CRASH! Slight pop!) OHHHHHHH! ELEVATOR DROP! Felix is squirming on the mat, I don’t know if he’s hurt or numb!”

H’WOOD: “He looks like a snake on nitrous…”

O’CONNOR: “Ryan’s got him by the dreads and rips him up! Standing Headscissors! (crowd gets loud!) HE’S GOT FELIX UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HUUUUUUUUUUUMILLLLLLLLLITEEEEEEEEEEE BOMMMMMMMMMMB! FELIX IS OUT! HE’S NOT MOVING! SOMEONE GET THE PARAMEDICS!”

H’WOOD: “And Rick Ryconik is out of the record books.”

O’CONNOR: “RYAN COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (pause) THREEEEEEEEEE! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (The bell rings! The crowd is in shock!) …I can’t believe what just happened! We might’ve just had the quickest title match in NFW history!”

H’WOOD: “MIGHT HAVE!?”

O’CONNOR: “Dan Ryan…he’s the NEW WORLD CHAMPION! I…I can’t believe this is happening!”

LEE-BABY SIMS: “THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH! AND NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WORLD H—(SFX: SCREEEEEEEEECH!)”

(CUTTO: EDDIE MAYFIELD ripping the microphone out of SIMS’ hands at ringside! He makes a motion like he should backhand slap SIMS, then shakes his head and nods to MERCADO. The crowd starts buzzing as MAYFIELD grabs the NFW World Championship from the timekeeper’s table, while paramedics and staff help an unconscious FELIX RED out of the ring.)

O’CONNOR: “And as everything that’s gone on in the first twenty minutes of this telecast…everything has just gone awry. Dan Ryan…NFW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, DAN RYAN is watching cautiously as Eddie Mayfield walks towards the ring steps as Cojones Mercados slides into the ring.”

H’WOOD: “He’s also bringing his little friend.”

O’CONNOR: “Which happens to be aluminum and downright dangerous in his hands.”

(CUTTO: COJONES toothing a shark’s smile as he stands up, patting his chair. RYAN eyes him, while taking a few steps back as MAYFIELD walks up the steps with the gold and diamond World Championship belt.)

MAYFIELD: “Color me GREENSboro, Dan…you’ve somehow stumbled onto one of these again.”

(MAYFIELD starts walking towards RYAN, then shakes his head disappointedly and DROPS the title belt in the middle of the ring. Just as RYAN takes one step towards the middle, MERCADO takes two…which has RYAN stop in place and MAYFIELD grin slightly.)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “This reeks of a setup, I don’t trust him!”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Quiet Beanfry, they’ll come and take your family in the middle of the night.”

MAYFIELD: “Once you pick up that title, Dan…you’re picking up a RESPONSIBILITY. To MY vision…and to the REVOLUTION for the PEOPLE. (crowd pop!) And you know what that means? (the crowd gets loud as MAYFIELD smirks) You’re going to have to earn the right to put this around your waist. See…I know ONE man WANTING to fight you TOOTH, BLOOD and NAIL…I know ONE man that’s not afraid of your OVERGROWN GORILLA style in the ring…and he’s a man that you haven’t seen wrestle in this revolution, but you WILL…(crowd pop!) TONIGHT! (LOUD CHEERS!) WHEN YOU DEFEND…”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “HE CAN’T BE SERIOUS! A MYSTERY CHALLENGER!?”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “A Professional ALWAYS has an Ace up his sleeve!”

MAYFIED: “That title you will pick up when I LEAVE this ring…and PROVE you are not only worth of being the champion of the NEW FRONTIER…but the REVOLUCION!”

(MAYFIELD drops the mic with an audible thump as ‘Zero’ by Smashing Pumpkins FINALLY kicks in. The crowd is loud, cheering and besides themselves as MAYFIELD and MERCADO walk back up the ramp, while DAN RYAN slowly approaches the NFW World Heavyweight Championship.)

O’CONNOR: “What a turn of events! Dan Ryan…the NEW Champion won’t even get to wait 2 hours until he makes his FIRST title defense against someone that EL PRESIDENTE EDDIE MAYFIELD has apparently…HANDPICKED!”

H’WOOD: “The bigger they are…the HARDER they fall and nobody is supposedly as big as Dan Ryan…”

(CLOSEUP: RYAN kneeling and touching the diamonds of the NFW World Championship, before draping it over his shoulder and standing.)

O’CONNOR: “…well, it seems he STILL has to prove that to the regime of Eddie Mayfield and Craig Miles…and if I were him, I wouldn’t trust them at all.”

H’WOOD: “Of course Beanfry…after all, rule number 1 is to NEVER trust a Professional.”

O’CONNOR: “We’ll be back in a few minutes fans, the Television Championship on the line with NOVA challenging JOE THE PLUMBER!”

(FADEOUT)

Back to the TOC

Joe the Plumber © vs. Nova

(CUT TO: A man in a Giants jersey, hoisting himself into the air to a keg-stand with no help from anyone else, JUST BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT MUCH. The shot pans out across the restless crowd.)

H’WOOD: “There’s so much gold floatin’ around tonight, I’m getting’ flashbacks, Beanfry! It’s 1849, and my great-great-great grandfather Josiah Hollywood is ass-deep in freezing northern California river-water, chip-chip-chippin’ away in the hopes of seeing that little yellow mineral that catches the sun just so…”

O’CONNOR: “Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “Buah~! What?!”

O’CONNOR: “We’re getting paid to be here right now. Act accordingly.”

H’WOOD: “Right. Umm…so…crazy night we’ve had here.”

(Awkward silence on the air.)

O’CONNOR: “…DID YOU JUST NOT WATCH WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?”

H’WOOD: “Ummm…Felix Red learning a tough life lesson and Dan Ryan finding out there’s more than one way to screw a roided-up freak?”

O’CONNOR: “Alright, let me bail you out here, Lamont. Ladies and gentlemen, Manager to the Stars and half of the former tag-team champions of the World, the Rock ‘n Roll Gangstas, Mr. Lamont Hollywood. We just WATCHED DAN RYAN WIN THE NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP in less than TWO MINUTES ‘cause EDDIE MAYFIELD moved it from the MAIN EVENT to the FIRST MATCH OF THE NIGHT…after making FELIX RED submit to a ‘Wellness’ Plan test, which if he failed would get him in hot water…and THEN…THEN…MAKING HIM TAKE EVERYTHING HE HAD AS A LESSON!?”

H’WOOD: “Listen, Dan Ryan took advantage of the regime’s generosity and now he realizes that this Rose Garden WILL have its thorns as they’ve announced they’ve chosen one man he hasn’t seen wrestle since WRESTLEBOWL 2…the one man that will show the locker room a dedication to this REVOLUTION…I’m on pins and needles on that one, Beanfry…and I’m sure Dan Ryan is as well.”

O’CONNOR: “That’s HIGHLY debatable…Now fans, that first title match…was well, a little bewildering, to be honest with you, but that’s probably going to just be the tip of the iceberg tonight…especially when you pit the EAGLEstar against…well, honestly, who needs a moniker when your actual name is Joe the Plumber!

H’WOOD: (as the lights dim and the crowd cheers!) “I’ll just say that the fact this match has been signed was HIGHLY debatable and probably HIGHLY conceived by getting very HIGH.”

O’CONNOR: “I caught your drift, thanks.”

H’WOOD: “Did it smell of highness?”

O’CONNOR: “Nope, just an asshole.”

H’WOOD: “Joe must be coming out first…”

LEE-BABY SIMS: “This next match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the NFW TV Championship!”

(MUSIC UP – “Barbara Ann” by the Beach Boys)

(CUT TO: JOE THE PLUMBER sauntering out onto the stage, rolling his hips as he walks so that his donger flops unnecessarily in his loose-hanging overalls.)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I told you so.”

(O’CONNOR groans while JOE smiles a practically toothless grin and runs one hand through strands of greasy brown hair. Hefting his mop and bucket of presumably hazardous waste, he merrily makes his down to the ring, oblivious to the revulsion of every God-fearing individual in attendance. I mean, Jesus, this guy is disgusting.)

LEE-BABY SIMS: “First, hailing from ‘Fresh Off Tha Job’…standing 5’11” tall and weighing in at 243 lbs….he is the NFW TV Champion…the Greasy Goblin…the Seeker of Unnecessary Revenge…JOOOOOOOE…THE PLUUUUUMBEEEERR!!!”

O’CONNOR: “Whatever possessed Craig Miles to hire the black hole of humanity that is Joe the Plumber, I don’t think any of us will ever know…but equally is baffling is why Joe has gone on a seeming crusade against Nova, a personal vendetta born of…well, I’m…I’m pretty sure nothing.”

H’WOOD: “I wouldn’t be so quick to arrive at any conclusion yet, Beansprout! Sure, Nova plays the ‘hero,’ but underneath those glassy, boxed-out eyes and rugged good looks, I think there’s a sexually deviant, domineering menace to the assholes of freedom-loving Americans everywhere!”

O’CONNOR: “‘Menace to the…’ Lamont, what the hell are you talking about?”

H’WOOD: “I’m saying I believe Joe! That Nova’s never been up to any good, and I think he took advantage of poor Joe to satisfy some unholy carnal urge!”

O’CONNOR: “Well, maybe you’ll have the chance to ask him yourself!”

(MUSIC UP – “Maggot Brain (Live ’71)” by Funkadelic)

(CUT TO: The entrance ramp as the lights go dim. The crowd roars as the HYPERSPACE KID shoots out onto the stage aboard a neon-lit skateboard and begins spinning up on two wheels in 360 degrees as sparkling streams shoot up off the ramp. The Kid whips his arms towards the backstage curtain, and pyrotechnics explode on the FRONTIER-Tron as NOVA steps out into the spotlight, raising his arms and beating the eagle brand on his chest.)

LEE-BABY SIMS: “And the challenger…hailing from the very center of the earth’s core, in the heart of the Chronic! The P-Funk! THE BOMB~! Standing 6’3” and weighing in at 240 lbs….he is the reigning NFW ULTRATITLE Champion…the Star-Screaming Mushroom-Eating King of the Hallucination Nation…the Dig-Dug-Diggity Bong-Bomb Battalioneer…the EAGLEstar…NOOOOOOOVVAAAAAA!!!”

O’CONNOR: “Show of solidarity here between the COSMONAUTS after a brief spat leading up to Crashmas, and they’re both looking fired up tonight, but check out the statement that the EAGLEstar is making, Woodman! That TEAM Championship of Champions is strapped firmly around his waist and shining like a gem! That would be his message to Dan Ryan after their recent collision…the Ego-Buster might be walking out of Portland tonight with the World Championship…but Nova’s got the winner at WRESTLESTOCK!

H’WOOD: “I’m sure Red and Ryan are both crapping their pants at the thought. Pleeeeease, when, oh when, will my beloved Frontier move beyond this hippie lunatic?!”

(CUT TO: NOVA and the HYPERSPACE KID reaching ringside. NOVA hands off his strap to the KID, slaps him a high-five, and slides under the bottom ring rope. He approaches the center of the ring, but JOE grabs the referee and pulls him aside away from the EAGLEstar.)

O’CONNOR: “What is Joe trying to…”

H’WOOD: “He’s telling the world his story, Beanfry! He’s opening up about what happened!”

O’CONNOR: “My God…I think you’re right…”

(CUT TO: JOE, misty-eyed, talking rapidly and making a series of hand gestures to the ref, who nods knowingly and goes to pat JOE on the back before remembering that this is JOE THE PLUMBER, and if you touch him, you get the AIDS. JOE breaks down, putting his face in his hands, and the ref jerks his attention back to NOVA. The ref stomps over to him glaringly, and motions for NOVA to raise his arms.)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t believe this! The ref has taken pity on Joe’s ridiculous story of sexual assault, and now he’s giving Nova the illegal weapons check!”

H’WOOD: “Hee-hee-hee! He ain’t missin’ a spot, either!”

(CUT TO: NOVA’s eyes bulging as the ref searches between his spandex-clad ass cheeks for any RPGs or acetylene torches. Finding him at last satisfactory, the ref backs away, leaving NOVA curled in the corner of the ring, sucking his thumb with huge headphones on. The ref calls for the bell, and approximately no seconds later, JOE is across the ring, one crusty work boot buried in the EAGLEstar’s ribs!)

O’CONNOR: “The match is off, and Joe is on the attack! He’s got Nova in the corner, and he’s stompin’ a yard-full of mudholes right now!”

H’WOOD: “From what I understand, those aren’t the only mudholes Joe’s been “stomping” lately!”

O’CONNOR: “Oh God, for the sake of what tattered remains of a relationship with the television industry we have left, can we leave Joe’s incessantly vile backstage ramblings out of this match?”

H’WOOD: “I was gonna say no…but then I realized I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, either.”

(CUT TO: Nova, on his knees, head slumped against the turnbuckle. JOE runs away from the corner before gathering some steam and charging back in, slamming his knee into the back of NOVA’s head!)

O’CONNOR: “That would be ‘Kiss the Porcelain’…and screw Dream Street, Woodman, I don’t think Nova knows which city he’s in!”

(CUT TO: NOVA rolling out of the corner, clutching his head and wobbling around. He turns, and is greeted by a clothesline across the neck from JOE that sends him back down to the mat! JOE drops a fist across NOVA’s face…)

H’WOOD: “…we’ve got no idea where that hand has been!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe keeping the pressure on, he’s got Nova reeling…Joe chopping and stomping here, but the EAGLEstar is fighting his way up! Nova deflecting lefts, rights…Joe going for a clothesline…Nova’s under it! He’s around the back!”

(CUT TO: NOVA, arms locked around JOE’s waist as he goes to lift for a German suplex. Suddenly JOE begins shrieking and flailing. One of his elbows catches the side of NOVA’s head and he drops him. JOE grabs his ass and flees over to the ref, sobbing uncontrollably. The ref embraces him, nodding knowingly.)

JOE: “OHHHHH!!! OL’ JOE’S GETTIN’ FLASHBACKS WORSER ‘N ‘NAM!! FLASHIN’ BACK TO WHAT THAT TASTY, TIGHT-CHEEKED NOVA DUN TA ME ‘N MY CHOCOLATE STARFISH!!”

H’WOOD: “Look at him, Beansprout! How can you not sympathize with young Joseph?”

O’CONNOR: “Because I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about! No one does!”

H’WOOD: “He’s obviously been through a traumatic experience!”

O’CONNOR: “Yeah? So has every competitor Miles has forced to go up against this maniac!”

(CUT TO: NOVA smoking a cigarette in the ring, staring at JOE’s spectacle in bewilderment. JOE continues to sob uncontrollably, and the ref turns red in the face and storms over to NOVA, grabbing him by the shoulder and shoving him into the corner (he’s a big ref?). He begins reading NOVA the riot act.)

O’CONNOR: “Who is this ref?!”

H’WOOD: “He’s obviously someone whose life has been touched by a similar event. Maybe prison?”

(Suddenly JOE plows into both of them, knocking the ref to the mat and crushing NOVA against the pads. JOE hooks NOVA under the arms and flings him overhead with a sloppy belly-to-belly suplex, and then rolls out of the ring, walking over to his bucket of slop. He reaches in as members of the audience close by begin to vomit uncontrollably, and removes…a wrench!)

O’CONNOR: “I feel every meal I’ve ever eaten rebelling against the sight before us.”

H’WOOD: “Hooooooooo-wee! Look at the shit drippin’ off that wrench, O’Connor! CLOBBER THE HIPPIE!!!”

(CUT TO: JOE rolling under the bottom rope as NOVA climbs to his feet. JOE raises the wrench to charge…(SFX: Crowd ROARS!)…and the HYPERSPACE KID leaps onto the apron, bringing his skateboard down across JOE’s wrist and causing him to drop the wrench! JOE drops to the mat, howling in pain!)

O’CONNOR: “AND A NO-GO ON THE WRENCH ATTEMPT!! The Hyperspace Kid makes the save and reminds everyone why he’s here…to watch his partner’s back!”

H’WOOD: Humbug!

(JOE stumbles forward, clutching his hand, and NOVA sprints to the ropes, springing off and running back towards JOE. He flips over JOE’s back, kicking his arms out with his legs, and spikes JOE head-first onto the mat!)

O’CONNOR: “PSILOCIDE!! PSILOCIDE!! Listen to the fans, Woodman! We could have a new TV Champion, weeks away from that same man’s shot at the World Heavyweight Title!”

H’WOOD: “Somehow I doubt it, Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “Huh?”

(CUT TO: NOVA covering JOE, slapping his hand against the mat in frustration. The HYPERSPACE KID is desperately attempting to revive the ref, who’s selling JOE’s hard shove as the equivalent to death by hanging. Finally the ref comes to and turns around, scampering over to the EAGLEstar and beginning the count.)

REF: “One! TWO!!! THRE-”

O’CONNOR: “NO! NO! Joe kicks out, and Nova’s been robbed here by the antics of the Greasy Goblin!!”

(NOVA rolls off JOE and hoists him up.)

O’CONNOR: “Nova’s trying to keep a good thing going here, lifting Joe and going for an Irish whip – Joe reverses! NOVA REVERSES!! Joe against the ropes…he hangs on!! Nova charging! Joe going down, shoulder out…NOVA’S AIRBORNE!!”

(CUT TO: NOVA sailing over the top rope courtesy of a telegraphed body drop by JOE! NOVA flips forward…landing head-first in JOE’S BUCKET OF HORROR!!)

O’CONNOR: “Oh…oh, my…I’m gonna…I thi-HOOOOOAARRFF!!!”

H’WOOD: “That’s right…empty that stomach, you pansy.”

(CUT TO: A close-up of NOVA’s face as he jerks his head out of the bucket. Slop is flung from his hair into the first row of fans by the guardrail. The EAGLEstar’s eyes are wide and he trembles, as if caught in some kind of rapture or divine relevation. A particularly chunky glob of…whatever…drips down the side of his cheek.)

H’WOOD: “Oh, that is just too mu-HUUUUUAAAGGHH!!!”

O’CONNOR: “BLUUUUUUGGHH!!”

H’WOOD: “RAAAAAGGH!”

CROWD: “BLEEEEEECCHH!!”

JOE: “HOOOOOOOAAARF!!! OL’ JOE ATE TOO MANY ECSTACY PILLS THIS MORNIN’!”

(The only person – perhaps in the whole arena – not currently vomiting is NOVA, who sits upright on the protective floor mats, still apparently lost in his trance, and still very much covered in shit from the neck up.)

NOVA: “The basal principle, which was the pivot of all our previous considerations, was the special principle of relativity, i.e. the principle of the physical relativity of all uniform motion. Let us once more analyze its meaning carefully.”

(NOVA stands up and starts climbing onto the apron…)

NOVA: “It was at all times clear that, from the point of view of the idea it conveys to us, every motion must be considered only as a relative motion. Returning to the illustration we have frequently used of the embankment and the railway carriage, we can express the fact of the motion here taking place in the following two forms, both of which are equally justifiable.”

(NOVA walks through the ropes…)

NOVA: “(a) The carriage is in motion relative to the embankment, (b) The embankment is in motion relative to the carriage.”

(FLAIR FLOP! CROWD POP! Then, all of a sudden, NOVA shoots to his feet and starts running around spastically!)

NOVA: “CRAIG MILES CAN SEE INTO OUR SOULS! HE CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

O’CONNOR: “Oh my god, I feel like my Irish Grandmother just kicked me in the jimmies again.”

H’WOOD: “I feel like I just ate her Bacos Pot Pie…”

O’CONNOR: “Nova’s running around the ring and right into the arms of Joe the Plumber! JOE’S GOT HIM UP! SITOUT DEEEE VEEEEEE DEEEEEEEE! Nova’s out on his back and Joe’s staggering to his feet, half-vomiting, half-huffing…HE’S CLIMBING THE ROPES! BIG JOE’S GOING TO THE TOP ROPE!”

H’WOOD: “And I thought my insides were about to feel bad!”

(CLOSEUP: JOE with one foot on the top rope, one hand raised in the air…)

JOE: “VOLLLLLLLLLLLCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(LOUD SCREAMS! CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!)

O’CONNOR: “THE VOLCANO SPLASHHHHHHHHHHH!”

H’WOOD: “I think he just landed with his crotch across Nova’s face! Really, that’s the WORST splash I’ve ever seen!”

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S GOT THE COVER! THE REF’S MAKING THE PINFALL! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

(The bell starts ringing as the crowd EXPLODES!)

SIMS: (V/O) “The winner of this match at the 8 minute and 37 second mark and STILL NFW TELEVISION CHAMPIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! J-J-J-JOE THE PLUMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

(JOE stands up proudly grabbing the Television Championship and then sobbing uncontrollably as he falls to his knees.)

O’CONNOR: “Joe the Plumber is overcome with emotion defeating his supposed sexual predator anti-nemesis in Nova…and POSSIBLY positioning himself for his OWN World Championship opportunity with this victory!”

H’WOOD: “It’s a strange world, Beanfry…and if we’re all not careful…”

(FADEOUT on JOE crying like a banshee and screaming “I AIN’T GETTIN’ RAPED TONIGHT! NO SUHHHHHHHHHHH!”)

H’WOOD: “…it may end up being Joe’s around here.”

Back to the TOC

National Championship Final: Rook Black vs. Teresa Q

(FADEIN: BACK LIVE! The Rose Garden, Portland, Oregon.)

O'CONNOR: "Up next people we have our National Championship Match!"

H'WOOD: "In a chain of events that could only come about by the random hand of chance we're actually seeing a rematch from the National Championship Tournament.”

O'CONNOR: "Though Teresa had defeated Rook in the tournament before, he'd still managed to gain just enough of a victory in the later rounds to pull things off. Legion's interference had put together the rules for tonight as declared by Mayfield."

H'WOOD: "No chance of anyone interfering. No one not on the card is allowed in the building tonight, and Mayfield and Miles are enforcing it with extreme prejudice."

(CUE UP: "Midlife Crisis" by Faith No More.)

O'CONNOR: "Rook Black, who is ... well, been ... you want to give this a shot?"

H'WOOD: "Explain this guy? He's dumb. He thinks he's smart but he's dumb. He can almost wrestle well but forgets the rules during the match. What do you really need to explain?"

O'CONNOR: "Hookay. How Legion brought his alleged dead girlfriend back to life, and how Legion is blackmailing him over this favor somehow?"

H'WOOD: "I think I covered that under `dumb' actually. And besides, she isn't here tonight, and therefore forgotten."

(CUE UP: "Clarissa" by Mindless Self Indulgence.)

O'CONNOR: "And Teresa Quaranta, undefeated in NFW, undefeated in the National Championship Tournament. Though the last match was a debacle, she's still considered to be a favorite in this particular match."

H'WOOD: "And she's looking fairly pleased with herself."

O'CONNOR: "Well, that is how she rolls usually."

H'WOOD: "No, more than usual. That's a `I've got secret' smirk on her face."

O'CONNOR: "That's remarkably perceptive of you."

H'WOOD: "Nah, I just know that look. There was an incident with a girl I picked up who turned out to actually be a ..."

O'CONNOR: "... actually be a ...?"

H'WOOD: "Actually be not relevant. Oh look! Teresa has a microphone! Let's listen!"

TERESA: "Greetings, future minions, and welcome to Coronation. I know you've all been clamoring to hear me speak in front of a live crowd, but unlike most of the yammering boys who populate the New Frontier, you can rest assured that when I speak, it's something worth listening to. So Rook... listen closely. This is gonna be pretty important."

O'CONNOR: "What could this be?"

TERESA: "A while back, I gloated to Legion that I could've put a hypnotic suggestion on you in a video I'd sent way back when we first started cutting promos."

TERESA: "Well, that wasn't necessarily true. What I did was put in a complicated SET of hypnotic suggestions that I could use to put you into a suggestable state at any point of my choosing."

ROOK: "What are you -"

TERESA: "Astrum Argentinum."

(There is a long pause. Nothing happens.)

TERESA: "Now, if you're in a hypnotic state, you'll be compelled to obey a few limited commands. Take a seat."

(ROOK sits down cross legged on the mat. Other than appearing to pay close attention to Teresa, he doesn't seem to be all that hypnotized.)

TERESA: "Good. Now, if I push things too much, I'll break the hypnotic state, but there's a lot of room to play with things. For example, I could suggest that you're absolutely exhausted, and that this exhaustion will stay with you when you start the match."

(ROOK's shoulders slump, and indeed he appears to be winded.)

TERESA: "Whoa, no no no, that wasn't a command, Rook. You are not feeling exhausted at all. You're fine and ready for the match."

(ROOK's spine straightens and he appears much better. TERESA chuckles.)

H’WOOD: “Either Eddie Mayfield just passed out from the ludicrousness of this, or he just doesn’t like Rook Black…”

TERESA: "It's almost too much fun. This little psychodrama's gone on for six months. Six months of Legion's idiotic Koresh-lite antics, six months of maneuverings and almost-there's and interferences, six months whittling down the bodies with the NFW National Championship hanging in the balance, and I think it's time to provide some answers. And so in that spirit, I'm going to ask you a few questions, and you're going to answer them to the best of your ability."

(ROOK nods.)

TERESA (Holding the mic to ROOK): "First question. Who is that girl that you've been screwing lately?"

ROOK: "I don't know."

H’WOOD: “Elvira?”

O’CONNOR: “Shh!”

TERESA: "No?"

ROOK: "No."

TERESA: "Why don't you?"

ROOK: "Because she says she's Sickness, and she's not."

TERESA: "So you are aware that she's an imposter?"

ROOK: "I am."

TERESA (catching on): "But you weren't consciously aware of that."

ROOK: "No."

TERESA: "But you were aware."

ROOK: "Right."

TERESA: "And because that's not really your dead girlfriend, Legion really can't threaten to take her away."

ROOK: "But... he could take away the girl that's pretending to be her."

TERESA: "The girl that's been lying to you this whole time? I think it's time for you to accept some truths the rest of us have been aware of for quite some time. Legion. Is he your friend?"

ROOK: "No."

TERESA: "Is this girl your friend?"

ROOK: "..."

TERESA: "Answer."

ROOK: "I don't know."

TERESA: "You know! Is this girl your friend?"

ROOK: "... No."

TERESA: "Do you like fucking her?"

ROOK: "Yes."

H’WOOD: “That’s the smartest thing I’ve heard him say in six months!”

O’CONNOR: “Can we just let this play out!?”

TERESA: "Which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that."

ROOK: "Okay."

TERESA: "I've noticed that you've been having trouble with remembering the rules during your matches, Rook, do you know why?"

ROOK: "I think so."

TERESA: "Tell me what you think."

ROOK: "I'm having problems with memories."

TERESA: "Why are you having problems with memories?"

ROOK: "I don't think they're real."

TERESA: "You don't think your memories are real?"

ROOK: "And I mistrust things that my memories tell me."

TERESA: "Why don't you think your memories are real?"

ROOK: "I suspect .. that some of them .. aren't mine."

TERESA (squats down in front of Rook): "Rook, tell me what you mean here."


ROOK: "I don't think I'm actually Rook Black. I think I'm ... an imposter."

O'CONNOR: "I'd just like to remind skeptical viewers that this is a wrestling show."

H'WOOD: "Yeah, you ought to be used to crazy shit like this."

TERESA: "That's... interesting, isn't it? But we're going to forget that part for now, though. You are who you are, and that's that, okay?"

ROOK: "Okay."

(TERESA stands.)

TERESA: "Well, it seems I've maneuvered myself into quite the advantageous position for this title match. I mean, if I can convince you that you've just taken an epic hit of Ambien, there's not that much of a point in having the match at all, is there?"

(She smirks, and the crowd starts booing. She pauses for a few seconds, and her expression lightens)

TERESA: "Then again, there's this whole `zero tolerance' this and `turn NFW into a respectable promotion' that going around, and I do like to think my irrepressable arrogance is based on some sliver of personal merit... so. Here's what we'll do instead. You're not going to worry about your memories. You're not going to get confused. You're going to remember what you need to in order to fight with confidence and to the best of your ability from now on. Is that understood?"

(ROOK nods.)

TERESA: "Then let's... wait. I'm curious. Do you think you can beat me in a fair fight?"

H’WOOD: “No.”

O’CONNOR: “C’mon.”

ROOK: "Yes."

TERESA: "Hm. All right, then. Let's find out."

(SFX: CROWD CHEERS.)

H’WOOD: “These yokels must’ve just woke up.”

TERESA (addressing ROOK): When this crowd counts to three, I want you to wake up and we'll begin the match!"

CROWD: "One!"

CROWD: "Two!"

CROWD: "Three!"

O'CONNOR: "He's come out of it!"

(ROOK BLACK stands up and stretches, cracking his neck and doing some upper body stretches, looking focused and ready. TERESA smirks and they begin to circle.)

H'WOOD: "The stupid bitch! She had the match won. Just tell the great white dope to drop and take a nap and she has him pinned!"

O'CONNOR: "And her integrity?"

H'WOOD: "I don't know what you mean by that last word."

O'CONNOR: "And Mayfield?"

H'WOOD: "Ooooh, yeah. El Presidente probably wouldn't like a two second championship match. Then again, I’m pretty sure he’s asking Cojones to do something about the hypnosis angle theory folks."

O'CONNOR: " Black and Teresa circling still, and Rook looks to be testing his reach here. A tie up- No! Rook feinted the tie up and landed a knee onto Teresa's midsection."

H'WOOD: "A Forearm strike to the head? Did you see him winding up on that. He put his whole upper body into that strike! Now that's how you hit a woman!"

O'CONNOR: "Quaranta knocked all the way to the corner! Rook charging-"

H'WOOD: "A big ole cowboy boot the to face-"

O'CONNOR: "No! Teresa rolls through just in time. Rook pulls his leg out from the ropes as she backs away circling."

H'WOOD: "Ho ho ho, telling your opponent to have the match of his life has to look like a stupid idea from here."

O'CONNOR: "Teresa shaking her finger at Rook, telling him that trick will only work once. Circling again-"

H'WOOD: "He came at her with a left jab! She just barely backed out of reach and he's still swinging."

O'CONNOR: "He's got her in the corner, but Quaranta ducks under a right hook and hits a reverse kick into Rook's back. Rook pushes out of the turnbuckle with a wicked backhand that Teresa just barely pulled back from."

H'WOOD: "That would've been a `walked into a door' smack the next day!"

O'CONNOR: "Circling again. And this time there's no smirking. Inching closer, lock up!"

H'WOOD: "Whoa, guys, you don't need to try this hard for a lock up! You're making me tired!"

O'CONNOR: "They're fighting this one hard. Teresa dropping to one knee to keep the center of gravity moving, and rising to push Rook back, Rook trying to apply downward pressure. Teresa drops and rolls, taking Rook with her and getting a side headlock! Brilliant! Rook up to his hands and knees, Teresa on one knee holding on. Look at her lean back, keeping that hold on tight! Rook up to his feet. Rook trying to lift for a backdrop- No! A school boy rollup on Teresa, who kicks out before even a one count arrives."

H'WOOD: "If I had known it was going to be like this, I would've taken a bathroom break before the match."

O'CONNOR: "Circling again, and without as much hesitation, they lock up again! Rook Black uses the upper body strength and gives Theresa a shove right out of the lock up, sending her into the ropes. Rook charging in with a larait-"

H'WOOD: "Back body drop! A split second off later and Teresa would've had to order a salad to go with the lariat she just ate. But either she was just too fast, or Rook just too slow."

O'CONNOR: "Rook getting up from the floor, and he's not hesitating at all, climbing the apron to get back in the ring."

H'WOOD: "Folks tend to use that moment to catch their breath or assess their opponent, consider their strategy but-"

O'CONNOR: "Rook stepping through the ropes from the apron and Teresa is on the attack with a kick upside the head. Teresa on the attack as Rook falls back on the apron."

H'WOOD: "She''s not letting him have any of the ring without a fight."

O'CONNOR: "She's got hold of the top rope and is stomping hard! Rook covering! Oh, he's caught a boot!"

H'WOOD: "What is he doing?!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook pulled the middle rope down underneath her foot! She's caught at the knee!"

H'WOOD: "How the hell is that possible? Rook can't tie his own shoes! It's why the moron wears cowboy boots!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook on his feet, and he's grabbed hold of her, he's unloading forearm shivers! European uppercut! Teresa falls back!"

H'WOOD: "It's a turn of events!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook flips into the ring, landing a Senton on Theresa. A fistful of hair-"

H'WOOD: "Caveman style!"

O'CONNOR: "- and he pulls her up and and irish whip! Rook looking for a discus lariat!"

H'WOOD: "Whiff!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa ducks, and on the return Rook lifts off with a flying crossbody!"

H'WOOD: "It's that move! From that movie!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa matrixes underneath, both are back up and running, Teresa with an arm drag! Both are back up, Teresa with a spinning headscissors takedown!"

H'WOOD: "That move reminds of this one party where- oh no."

O'CONNOR: "A solid midsection kick from Teresa sends Rook black back into the corner. Wait, did you just shut up?"

H'WOOD: "Looks who's coming over."

O'CONNOR: "No one is allowed to- oh, yeah, he's allowed."

(CUT TO: The Entrance Ramp where CRAIG MILES decked out like Fidel Castro, in fatigues, sunglasses, and beret, carrying a riding crop. Without music or nonsense he saunters to the announce position, twisting his moustache and observing the scene.)

H'WOOD: "Teresa climbing the corner and hammering down on Rook with right hands, doing the ole Sesame Street of teaching an arena to count to ten, but she stopped at seven as Miles passed her."

O'CONNOR: "Miles joining us, welcome El Presidente…Deux?"

H'WOOD: (coughs) "Generalissimo."

MILES: (gesturing for Teresa to continue): "Thank you proletariat."

H'WOOD: "He means you."

O'CONNOR: "He meant us. Craig, in the interest of curiosity, what brings you to ringside?"

MILES: "Teresa's decision not to make a mockery of the title match certainly pleased those in favor of the Revolucion. That and that she's not going to get past nine count-along punches. Aside from that, I’m here to dumb down the smartening field Rook’s created."

H’WOOD: “That bastard!”

O'CONNOR: "Rook stepping out of the corner with Teresa up! She's hammering down. Powerbomb!"

H'WOOD: "Are you going to light them on fire, sir? An execu-cion in honor of the revolu-cion, make an example of them?"

(ROOK covers, but Theresa's shoulder is up just after two.)

MILES: "Absolutely not, this match is more than just a coronation. This match is the creation of a title, not just champion. We're not just crowning the winner here, no. Here, we are forging a crown, a sacred event requiring witnesses."

H'WOOD: "Well, I can't help but be disappointed."

MILES: "And yet, you continue to be allowed to live."

H’WOOD: “Thank you.”

MILES: “I don’t think this country allows us to burn women in sacrifice anymore, anyway.”

H’WOOD: “Well, now I’m REALLY disappointed.”

O'CONNOR: "A source of amazement to me as well. Rook Black drawing Teresa back to her feet and an irish whip. Discus Lariat!"

H'WOOD: "Whiff! Teresa barely got under that one!"

O'CONNOR: "Off the ropes, both of them!"

H'WOOD: "Whoa!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa hits a cartwheel kick! Rook staggers backwards and falls on his ass!"

H'WOOD: "Right across the face! Rook holding his nose in agony there."

O'CONNOR: "She's not done! A springboard off the bottom rope; dropkick to the back of Rook's head!"

H'WOOD: "The cartwheel kick indeed busted Rook open! Teresa stalking Rook from behind!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook on both feet, Teresa with the side headlock! Going for a running bulldog!"

H'WOOD: "Whoa! Did you see that counter?!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook with the a 180 degree pivot turning the bulldog into a backdrop suplex! You've got to be impressed with the athleticism!"

MILES: "I'll tell you when I'm impressed. Restrain your unwarranted displays of familiarity. The revolucion has no patience for sentimentality."

H'WOOD: "Yeah!"

MILES: "Nor idiocy."

H'WOOD: "Yea- oh. Si, Generalissimo."

O'CONNOR: "Rook throws an arm over Teresa and Fugiwara Armbar! She's turned that one around!"

H'WOOD: "Heh! Hey moron, what do you do during a submission hold?"

(ROOK lunges towards the ropes, the full extension of his reach allows him to grab hold, prompting the break.)

H'WOOD: "Well, yeah, that works. But I expect the answer in essay form on the written test!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook is on his feet first and reaching for Teresa who is on one knee- rolling reverse armbar!"

H'WOOD: "Pop quiz! Now, moron, what do you when- oh."

O'CONNOR: "Rook bridges up, and gains the leverage to put Teresa's shoulders against the mat, and she releases the hold at a count of two."

H'WOOD: "That's it! This isn't the real Rook Black! Our moron has been replaced by an imposter!"

O'CONNOR: "Well, we'd already covered that in the segment before the match began."

MILES: "It's the Revolucion's considered opinion that the `real' Rook Black is the one that wrestles in the ring. The opinion of the individual itself isn't considered to be such a trustworthy source on issues of identity. So, we help him out, and we tell him we'll continue to call him Rook Black. Besides, let's take into context such a thing as real. Here now, Rook Black strikes Teresa with a left jab on the chin, since she failed to estimate his reach. Was the punch real? Look at her anger. She's furious over letting that one slip by. Is that anger real? She feints a high kick, and delivers a middle kick, right in the ribs. Was that kick real? Rook is doubled over from the blow, is his pain real?"

H'WOOD: "But not only is this pro-wrestling, this is NFW, and to ask whether or not this is real is-"

MILES: "Are you sure you want to finish that thought and potentially have charges brought against you for crimes against the revolucion?"

H'WOOD: "Call the match, Beanfry!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa hits Rook with a neckbreaker, and mounts him rainging down some punches onto his face! She really resented that jab!"

H'WOOD: "The blood from Rook's nose earlier is now all over her fists, take some pictures people!"

MILES: "Make it fast though. You'll like this."

H'WOOD: "Oh my god!"

O'CONNOR: "Headbutt from Rook into Teresa's face! He just whipped his head from the floor and smashed it right into her!"

MILES: "Children of the Revolucion, remember to do your sit ups, and perhaps one day, you'll be able to do a move like that."

O'CONNOR: "Teresa back on her feet and looking ... well, more shocked than pissed. She's feeling for blood from her nose. Rook back up on his feet, but Teresa is turned away. He's charging!"

H'WOOD: "NNNNNNNNOOOO ONE EXPECTS IT!!!"

O'CONNOR: "Oh, Teresa hits her Spanish Inquisition-"

H'WOOD: "NNNNNNNNOOOO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!"

O'CONNOR: "Her backflip kick and caught Rook right in the face with that. Cue up the replay and watch Rook's head snap backwards there."

H'WOOD: "In slow motion now!"

H'WOOD (deep slow voice): "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WWWWWWOOOONNNNNN EXXXXX PEXXXXXXXX ZZZZZZZIITTTTTTTT."

O'CONNOR: "Teresa back on her feet, having a look around her. That's pretty business-like sneer on her face."

H'WOOD: "I think she's had it with this mother(BLEEP!)ing opponent in this mother(BLEEP!)ing ring."

MILES: “Wow, our censor guy is back?”

O'CONNOR: "Teresa delivering some kicks to Rook's ribs, flipping him over towards the ropes. A fistful of his hair brings him up, and an irish whip sends Rook running."

H'WOOD: "T.I.M.N.I.! Which, admittedly I don't know what those letters stand for."

O'CONNOR: "Thank you. Rook ate Teresa's dropsault right in the face, and she's moving in the for the kill. Process of Illumina-"

H'WOOD: "Rook counters!"

O'CONNOR: "The half nelson suplex! Rook barely had the energy to pull that move off. Both him and Teresa are down, with Teresa holding the back her of head and neck."

H'WOOD: "But she's showing more signs of life than he is."

O'CONNOR: "Indeed, Teresa getting back to her feet here."

H'WOOD: "Oh that look reminds me of my mother."

O'CONNOR: "She's clearly not happy with her opponent, no."

H'WOOD: "Yeah, and Rook isn't moving."

O'CONNOR: "Teresa winding up for a stomp, and- hey!"

H'WOOD: "He was playing possum! He dove for that leg!"

O'CONNOR: "But that was a feint! Teresa was trying to draw him out. She's demanding he stand!"

H'WOOD: "For someone caught red handed, Rook sure doesn't have the decency to look ashamed of himself."

MILES: “He wasn’t jerking off, Lamont.”

H’WOOD: “Touché.”

O'CONNOR: "Both of them are up and circling, and the both of them have taken some damage, but it's been Teresa who's been maintaining the offense in the match."

H'WOOD: "A nice assessment, if utterly meaningless. The winner is decided at the end of the match, and not a split second before."

O'CONNOR: "Yes, but- Oh, Rook hits the left jab again!"

H'WOOD: "Teresa is furious! She's kicking wildly, he can barely cover up."

O'CONNOR: "She's driven Rook back towards the corner. She bounces off the second rope and-"

H'WOOD: "Kung f'n Fu!"

O'CONNOR: "A springboard side kick! Rook is slumped into the corner there. Teresa grabs a front face lock on Rook and climbs onto the second rope."

H'WOOD: "Rook has got to regret making her that angry right about now."

O'CONNOR: "Tornado ddt! Teresa covers."

H'WOOD: "And Rook has a shoulder up at two!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa is not stopping though, and is pulling Rook to his feet there. Irish whip-"

H'WOOD: "Reversed! Rook sends her into the ropes!"

O'CONNOR: "Discus lariat!"

H'WOOD: "No! Theresa hits a forward roll and dodges below that lariat!"

O'CONNOR: "Theresa springboarding off the second rope, looking like a big forearm shiver coming down on Rook-

H'WOOD: "Oh is Rook Black gonna have to choke a bitch?!?"

O'CONNOR: "Rook got her with the gauntlet choke CATCHING her as she descended! He's about to hit-"

H'WOOD: "She's not having that!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa kicks Rook in the midsection! He's still hanging on! A second! A third! Rook lets go of the choke!"

H'WOOD: "Teresa reeling, I have to think she started to see spots before her eyes!"

O'CONNOR: "If it had any effect, she's shaking it off as Rook recovers from that third kick that must've winded him."

H'WOOD: "She's glaring again. And Rook is- what in the hell?"

O'CONNOR: "Rook is grinning like an- an-"

H'WOOD: "Like an idiot, beanfry! She has no idea what to make of that, and for my part, neither do I. Generalissimo, enlighten us!"

MILES: "Enlighten you? Sure. What you see if what you get, and the more complicated you make things out to be the more confused you'll find yourself. If what you wanted was an explanation though, well, you can't have one. The Revolucion does not explain, it merely demonstrates."

O'CONNOR: "That’s a nice way of admitting you’re with us in the club of not knowing what’s going on…Rook initiating things again, he's circling for the lock up. He's still got a smile on his face."

H'WOOD: "Again!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook went for the left jab, but Teresa was ready this time and pulled back just in time. They lock up finally."

H'WOOD: "the words `lock up' may not be associated with the word `finally'."

O'CONNOR: "Rook changing up to the rear waist lock, Theresa having no luck with landing a back elbow there. She's got hold of his head and kicking forward got the elevation to come down with a snap mare. Rook rolling back to his feet, just in time for Teresa to charge in. Theresa lands a right hand, but Rook ties up with her again-"

H'WOOD: "And the rear waist lock again!"

MILES: “This could get entertaining if he goes for a new version of the Bronco Buster…”

O'CONNOR: "Theresa reaching for his head again- whoa!"

H'WOOD: "Rook has slid in the halfnelson as she reached for his head!"

O'CONNOR: "She's struggling hard. She does not want any part of that half nelson suplex a second time!"

H'WOOD: "The level of exertion there is insane!"

O'CONNOR: "But it's working! She's preventing Rook from hitting the move.

H'WOOD: "There it is!"

O'CONNOR: "She ran up the ropes and flipped around behind! She's got Rook in an inverted front face lock!"

H'WOOD: "DDT!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa getting up to her feet, rushes the corner."

H'WOOD: "Boing! Boing!"

MILES: “Keep it in the pants, Lamont.”

O'CONNOR: "Divine Intercession!"

H'WOOD: "Both boots came right down on Rook's chest! She did him in!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa covers, looking pleased with herself."

H'WOOD: "Shoulder!"

O'CONNOR: "I think the frustration is starting to show there."

H'WOOD: "You think?"

O'CONNOR: "She's dragged Rook to his feet, and a hard irish whip to the corner."

H'WOOD: "Oooh, Rook hit that turnbuckle chest first, right where he took the impact from that backflip double stomp earlier."

O'CONNOR: "Indeed, he's backing away from the turnbuckle. Teresa grabs him with an inverted front face lock, and drives her elbow right into his sternum! A second time! She grabs into his pants and hoists him up for inverted suplex!"

H'WOOD: "The impact of that couldn't have felt good."

MILES: “Sort of like Beanfry’s wife on his wedding night.”

H’WOOD: “That’s my line!”

O'CONNOR: "Theresa lifting Rook to his feet a-

(SFX: WHACK!)

H'WOOD: "The knife edge chops! On the chest!"

(SFX: WHACK!)

O'CONNOR: "She's got some more of that."

(SFX: WHACK!)

O'CONNOR: "Rook is slumped in the corner. Teresa backs up a bit for a running start-"

H'WOOD: "OH!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook burst out of the corner with a big boot!"

H'WOOD: "Theresa took that one right in the kisser!"

O'CONNOR: "She's getting up to her feet but has to be wondering what just hit her. Rook with an irish whip."

H'WOOD: "Holy bajeebus!"

O'CONNOR: "DISCUS LARIAT! It FINALLY connects and Teresa is turned inside out by the impact!"

H'WOOD: "Rook is on fire!"

MILES: “Not literally, I’d like to remind the fire marshalls of Portland.”

O'CONNOR: "He'd been conserving his energy the entire match! Looking for opportunities to make Teresa overexert herself! Rook grabs hold of her in a standing headscissors. Sit out powerbomb! Rook rolling her right up into the Crossbow!"

H'WOOD: "This can't be good."

O'CONNOR: "A quick succession of devasting moves that impact the neck on an opponent already showing signs of fatigue, and followed by a submission move that focuses on the neck!"

H'WOOD: "And the disgusting irony of the guy with the weakness to submissions putting the technique to work!"

O'CONNOR: "Teresa struggling! She's kicked her legs free and has grabbed the ropes before Rook could reapply the hold."

H'WOOD: "Rook is back up and pacing back and forth as she clears her head. Oh and he's got that grin again."

O'CONNOR: "And Teresa is just looking tired here. They lock up. Rook switching to a rear waist lock. He's got both hands cinched. German suplex!"

H'WOOD: "Again with the neck!"

O'CONNOR: "Rook lifting up Teresa by the hair, irish whip- no, he's hanging on, short arm clothesline!"

H'WOOD: "It's looking grim here."

MILES: “Nonsense, wrestling fans love seeing women take huge bicep shots to the face for they live through your lives vicariously.”

O'CONNOR: "Rook lifting her back up by the wrist again- Teresa fires off a body blow from her knees! A second! She's back on her feet! Rook kicks but she ducks underneath! Teresa with a front kick to Rook's chin! She's driving him back! Rook stumbling into the ropes. Teresa charges!"

H'WOOD: "Not so fast! Super genius moron counters!"

O'CONNOR: "Back body drop sends Teresa over- but she lands on the apron- oh my god!"

H'WOOD: "That weird kick move!"

O'CONNOR: "Enzugiri! Teresa crumbles down to the apron and then the floor!"

H'WOOD: "Dear Diary, today I hyponotized my opponent and turned him into Doctor Doom. It might not have been the best decision."

MILES: “I also might have discharge in my naughty places.”

H’WOOD: “Gross.”

O'CONNOR: "Rook not letting up for a moment, he's hopped right down to the floor to go after her- but she greets him with a knife edged chop! Another!"

H'WOOD: "Those are acts of desperation, and they arn't carrying the amount of power they did earlier."

O'CONNOR: "Rook grabs on and gives her a headbutt. And an irish whip-"

H'WOOD: "Ohh! Right on the head!"

O'CONNOR: "Theresa crashed headfirst into those damn steel steps. Rook scooping her up and rolling her into the ring, he is just not going to stop."

H'WOOD: "I retract the last diary entry. Change him to the Terminator."

MILES: "Ha! I think that's at least a little more accurate."

O'CONNOR: "Rook rolls inside, and Teresa just struggling to get back to her feet there. Rook grabs a front face lock and just pounds on her neck and upper back with his fist! The brutality!"

H'WOOD: "That grin is starting to look really creepy! And I thought this guy kinda liked her!"

MILES: "He does."

O'CONNOR: "Then I'd hate to see him after someone he hated!"

MILES: "It'd look about the same."

H'WOOD: "No disrespect to the Generalissimo, but that doesn't make any sense at all."

MILES: "It doesn't make sense, but it is operating on an internal consistency, which is almost the same thing."

O'CONNOR: "Rook with an irish whip, DISCUS LARIAT!"

H'WOOD: "Teresa lies twitching on the mat.

O'CONNOR: "No she's trying to get up! She's not out yet!"

H'WOOD: "She's got one knee and- what is she doing?"

O'CONNOR: "She's waving her arms back and forth. She just told him to stop."

H'WOOD: "He's not though."

O'CONNOR: "She's going to command him! She's getting up to tell him to stop!"

H'WOOD: "With the hypnosis!?"

THERESA: "Rook, Astrum Arg-"

O'CONNOR: "He's locked the right hand on her throat!"

H'WOOD: "He's choking her! She can't use the word thingy!"

MILES: “Ah, the best laid plans…”

O'CONNOR: "Theresa struggling wildly! Rook trying for the STO finish from the choke! She hops over! She's fighting it! He'll have to break that choke or get disqualified!"

H'WOOD: "He releases at four!"

THERESA (hoarse): "Astr-"

O'CONNOR: "He's locked the choke right back on!"

H'WOOD: "Theresa Quaranta is OUT of options! She'll be dead on her feet in a second!"

O'CONNOR: "He's going for the face first chokeslam finish!"

H'WOOD: "Holy f'n shit!"

MILES: “Language Lamont.”

O'CONNOR: "Theresa turned into the choke and got the Crossarm Diamond Cutter on! She hit him with Process of Illumination!"

H'WOOD: "They're both down! No one's moving!"

O'CONNOR: "Theresa throws an arm over!"

H'WOOD: "It's the count!"

O'CONNOR: "ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!"

H'WOOD: "I don't believe it!"

O'CONNOR: "I don't think anyone believes it! I don't think Theresa Quaranta believes it! She's holding her throat, and looking on at Rook and the ref in shock!"

O'CONNOR: "Miles is approaching the ring, ah, he's claimed the National Championship! He's bringing it to the ring.

H'WOOD: "He's having some words with Theresa there, but we can't quite pick that up."

O'CONNOR: "He's handed her the belt! He's raising her hand! It's our new National Champion, Teresa Q, with an ovation to greet her!"

(Teresa ceases with the posing seeing Rook leaving the ring. She calls for a microphone as MILES makes his exit.)

TERESA (hoarse): "Rook, come back here."

TERESA (smile): "You almost-"

(TERESA coughs)

TERESA: "- had me there."

TERESA: "Anyway, the nonsense with Legion has gone on long enough. You don't answer to Legion anymore. You're dumping your fake girlfriend. You're not doing what either he or she tell you to do."

O'CONNOR: "A stroke of altruism from Teresa! Things can only get better for Rook from this point forward!

TERESA: "For now, you answer to me, and you do what I tell you to."

H'WOOD: "Wrong again, Beanfry, Rook hasn't been liberated! His change of position is only a lateral one!"

O'CONNOR: "But she didn't activate his hypnosis! She just told him. He has a choice here, doesn't he?"

H'WOOD: "Miles left the booth, he can't answer you."

TERESA: "Do you understand, Rook?"

(ROOK nods.)

TERESA: "Good. Let's go."

H’WOOD: “Beanfry…”

O’CONNOR: “Yes, Lamont…”

H’WOOD: “Did we just witness the weirdest belt coronation in wrestling history.”

O’CONNOR: “Yes…yes we did.”

(FADEOUT)

Back to the TOC

Chicken

(FADEIN: A wall of television screens displaying DAN RYAN walking through the skybox corridors, a wave of security rushing at him and getting clotheslined to loud cheers!)

O’CONNOR: “Welcome back to SUPERCRASH and apparently our NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Dan Ryan isn’t waiting all night to see what Craig Miles and Eddie Mayfield will have in store for him later this evening!”

H’WOOD: “Ryan’s heard the stories about Rick Ryconik’s 30 second reign…he knows the stories about Zane and Bloodhunt, therefore, he knows ANYTHING can happen to him and that title!”

(RYAN comes to a door with a sign reading “VIVA LA REVOLUCION!” …RYAN looks it up and down for a moment, adjusts the NFW World Championship draped over his shoulder…and than BLASTS the door off the hinges with a single kick! QUICK CUTTO: CRAIG MILES leaning back in a recliner and watching the wall of television screens, which gets a crowd pop! MILES swings the chair around as RYAN storms into the room holding a trashcan. MILES kicks his barefeet up onto the desk in front of him, while RYAN slams the trashcan down next to his feet…)

H’WOOD: “Something’s telling me that Dan Ryan’s not exactly enjoying the extra tour of duty waiting for him later.”

(CLOSEUP: RYAN pacing back and forth, eyeing MILES who lights up a cigarette from his seated position…the lighter reflecting off both lenses of his silver sunglasses.)

RYAN: “If your boyfriend is waiting for you in the dark, I’m ready right now to end YOURS and HIS reign of stupidity.”

MILES: (exhaling) “Eddie’s just detailing security about how he wants your main event to go…(MILESwide grin) I hope its not a problem, if you just meet with myself.”

RYAN: (chuckling, the crowd getting loud!) “I suppose you do have the bigger balls of the two. (RYAN stops pacing and holds up the title by the palm of his hand) Right now, I’m not exactly sure who THIS means more to…myself, yourself or the possibility that you’re willing to throw it RIGHT HERE.”

(Emphatically, RYAN slams the title belt into the trashcan. MILES nods and stands up as RYAN tries staring him down. MILES smirks and flicks his zippo to life, then drops it into the trashcan – which immediately bursts into flames shocking RYAN and the crowd!)

MILES: “Danny Boy, the moment you Powerbombed Felix Red into a Halfway Home, I think it reached that point. In fact, we’re thirty seconds from your title looking worse than Joe the Plumber’s…”

(RYAN snatches the smoking title out of the trashcan, inspecting the plating then MILES like he’s insane.)

RYAN: (after a long pause) “YOU’RE INSANE.”

MILES: “Just thank yourself that you don’t know a quarter of it.”

(RYAN reaches over the table and grabs MILES by the lapels of his uniform getting a crowd pop! MILES’ cigarette dangles precariously from his smirking mouth as he keeps smoking.)

RYAN: (over crowd buzz!) “I’m serious Craig…if this wrestling revolution is a house of lies, I’m only going to say this once. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.”

MILES: (snorts!) “C’mon Dan, fans are watching us…I thought you prided yourself on being the ANTITHESIS of Vic Creed promos.”

(RYAN shoves MILES into the wall of televisions ‘causing MILES to smack his head hard! He holds it wincing as RYAN points at him.)

RYAN: “Don’t F(BLEEP!)K me over or you can put this place on my MUST DIE list.”

(RYAN swerves around, draping the title back over his shoulder.)

RYAN: “I’ll be watching this AND my back, don’t worry.”

(RYAN reaches the doorway smirking and just as he exits…)

MILES: “You know what was funny about blowing up the War Games cage when you were in it?”

O’CONNOR: “Oh boy…not that history…”

(RYAN stops dead in his tracks as the crowd gets loud!)

MILES: “It wasn’t moving every single pawn from Eddy Love, DC Stratton, Melton, Prosser into place, so you could be the PRECISE MAN to tap out…”

(RYAN turns around, glaring a hole through MILES.)

RYAN: “You’re treading in treacherous waters now.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I believe Miles likes surfing those.”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “And making them warmer…”

MILES: “I knew you could handle that pain, Dan. I knew that deep down inside of every roster member from Michael Manson to Hornet, you’d be the man that could handle the HURT.”

(MILES starts slowly walking away from his desk, grabbing a fire extinguisher and putting the feeble flame in the trashcan out. He walks towards RYAN with the extinguisher tossing it aside just as RYAN starts getting suspicious.)

MILES: “See, there’s no point in trying to break a man like you, Dan. A man that’s already suffered the worst pain possible in life is EASY to break again. So, if you think I’m going to waste my time PERSONALIZING anything against you, just understand I’d NEVER see the point…unless you gave me REASON.”

(MILES stops one foot away from RYAN, the crowd buzzing as RYAN looks completely emotionless.)

MILES: “There’s nothing like losing a child, is there Dan?”

(RYAN takes one step closer to MILES, shaking his head)

MILES: “One day so alive…another…”

(RYAN stops one inch away from MILES.)

MILES: (slapping his hands!) “F(BLEEP!)KING DEAD.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Yup…Craig Miles has a deathwish.”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “More news on the obvious channel after 8.”

MILES: “And every and any day you’re alive, you’re willing to throw yourself into the fire or explosion because every day she’s dead is another day you’d willingly TAKE HER PLACE.”

RYAN: “You don’t know what you’ve just started…”

MILES: “I can RESPECT that, Dan. I know I can’t FATHOM it either…so while there’s no worse pain you’ll EVER feel…get it through that thick paranoid, stubborn and slightly and psychotically suicidal skull…(MILES knocks on his own skull) …which makes us some sort of brother of mine that until you cross ME, I’ve got no cross to bear with YOU.”

(RYAN is now mere inches from MILES as security rushes in! MILES holds his hands up…)

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “I..I think…if there were no witnesses, Dan Ryan might kill this man.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Did he just call Dan Ryan his own brother after bringing up his…y’know?”

MILES: “You want to go loco, Dan? THAT’S FINE. This isn’t like invading A-F(BLEEP!)ING ONE CANADA. I’ve been thrown off cages, set on fire and nearly KILLED to make NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING what it is today. I’d just APPRECIATE the RESPECT concerning that since around here, we don’t pride ourselves on HANDOUT TITLE WINS. I know you may get off on those lately, but TRUST ME when I say this Dan…”

(MILES flicks his cigarette and motions to security to grab RYAN…)

MILES: “…I will watch you burn, if you’re not willing to give WHAT I WOULD for that title and those fans out there.”

(RYAN gets dragged away with a creepy smile on his face.)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I’m going to guess that Dan Ryan will be a tad fired up now.”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “That either makes Craig Miles very smart…or VERY STUPID.”

(FADEOUT)

Back to the TOC

EMT FINAL: The Dream Team vs. The Hollywood Wrecking Crew

(FADEIN: Back LIVE! The Rose Garden where the fans are shoving their signs towards the overhead cameras swooping over the crowd. The cameras focus on “HOLLYWOOD SHOULD GO ON STRIKE!” from one fan before swerving towards the ring where LEE-BABY SIMS is standing front and center with the microphone in hand.)

O’CONNOR: “We’re just mere moments away from crowning the FIRST ever Everette Memorial Tag Team Champions, or as we’ll be affectionately calling them – the EMT’s, which I’m sure may be providing my colleague a few coincidental heart attacks or palpitations.”

H’WOOD: “You can crack any jokes you want, Beanfry…but in about 3 minutes, one of these two rough-housers from the Dream Team are gonna get their backs CRACKED IN HALF by my boy Blaine.”

O’CONNOR: “Yeah, I guess it’d be too much for you to try and call this one impartially, even if your own flesh and blood CRACKED YOUR NECK too!”

H’WOOD: “Every family has different sorts of problems, Beanfry. Would you rather have Blaine get all hopped up on cocaine and prescription pills, dress in pink all day and pretend he’s still an unwed hooker? ‘Cause truth be told, I didn’t want my boy to end up like your wife.”

O’CONNOR: (groans) “Let’s just take this down to Lee-Baby and get this one started.”

(CLOSEUP: SIMS putting the microphone to his lips as the house lights dim to darkness, the crowd hootin’, hollerin’ and whistlin’ as their cameras flash and flicker.)

SIMS: “This match is scheduled for ONE FALL with NO TIME LIMIT! (crowd pop!) It is the TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL (pop!) for the EVERETTE MEMORIAL TITLES!”

CROWD: “AVERY! AVERY! AVERY!”

O’CONNOR: “The crowd certainly not forgetting the man that FIRST gave Craig Miles his big break and set A LOT of things in motion for this industry as a whole.”

SIMS: “And introducing FIRST…”

(MUSIC UP: Tinkly, 1930's style vaudeville music, which segues into Doris Day singing 'Hooray for Hollywood'! The crowd starts LOUDLY BOOING as the old-timey lyrics go, until the record needle violently scratches! After that, "Going Back to Cali" the Sevendust Repose cranks in and smoke starts billowing through the curtain!)

SIMS: “From the SOUTH SIDE of Minneapolis, and the MASTER OF 10,000 WAYS TO BREAK YOUR EFFIN’ BACK! (crowd pop!) The BLACK SHEEP of the Anderson family! MUH-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK ANDERRRRRRRSUHN! And his PARTNER from the prestigious and pristine grounds of UPPER BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA! (Boos…LOUD BOOS.) A second generation wrestling PRODIGY and Magna Cum Laude of OXFORD UNIVERSITY with varsity letters in Fencing, Chess, Fox Hunting, Debutante Deflowering…”

O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Oh jesus, just get on with it.”

H’WOOD: (V/O) “Each require skill, cunning and in one of those cunning linguistics.”

SIMS: “…and Greco-Roman Amateur wrestling…The NEW Age of Hollywood, The BLUEST BLOOD in WRESTLING….BLLLLLLAINE HOLLYWOOOOOOOOD! THIS IS THE HHHHHHHHOLLYWOOOOOOOD WRECKING CREWWWWWWWWW!”

(CUTTO: The entrance ramp where MALIK ANDERSON steps out first, knee-deep in the fog. He’s in a black robe, glittering with silver rhinestones. On back in cursive reads “ANDERSON,” which glitters off the swirling spotlights a la movie premiere style. BLAINE comes out of the ramp entrance with a quick three-step hop of parry, parry, strike! Parry, parry, strike! With a fencer’s bow, BLAINE introduces to himself to a resounding house of BOOS! He’s decked out in a Oxford University tunic with a crest representing the Hollywood Hills on his chest and “BH” in large olde English lettering going across diagonally on both the front and back.)

O’CONNOR: “And out walk the first half of these championship finals! THE HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW, the team that DETHRONED The Original Showstoppers in the semifinals. In essence, retiring the very fabric of all previous NFW Tag Team Championship reigns. This match will watermark a NEW era of this WRESTLING REVOLUTION in NFW.”

(CUTTO: Back to SIMS as the HWC undresses from their entrance attire. ANDERSON sporting all black trunks, kneepads and boots. HOLLYWOOD going the same style, just in all white.)

SIMS: (as the lights dim) “AND NOW THEIR OPPONENTS!”

(MUSICUP: “Princes of the Universe” – Queen)

H’WOOD: “Nothing like revving up drunken Oregonians with the sublime lyrics of Freddie Mercury.”

O’CONNOR: “Stop it…”

SIMS: “From the NORTH Side of Minneapolis, Minnesota!”

(QUICK CUTTO: MALIK stomping around the ring with a serious scoff, pounding his own chest and screaming “SOUTHSIDE MOTHER(BLEEP!)AS!”)

H’WOOD: (V/O) “I think we’re about to see a turf war!”

SIMS: “Weighing in a combined weight of 540 pounds…they are CERTIFIED 21st Century Tag Team EXCELLENCE! Graduates of Mad Mike Ventolo’s Minneapolis Wrestling Dungeon with diplomas in Execution of the Chinese Fingercuffs position on Blaine Hollywood’s sister!”

H’WOOD: (over crowd pop!) “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER BROOKE!”

SIMS: “The BEST there EVER WILL BE for Malik Anderson’s MOM!”

(QUICK CUTTO: Blaine and Malik pacing lines of wildfire and spitting it as the crowd goes wild! QUICK CUTTO: MIKE GORDEY jumping through the streaming sparklers by the entrance. He kisses the cross tattoo on his left forearm and then raises it to the air as a smirking BRIAN DUNCAN walks behind him with a slow gait.)

SIMS: “’The Natural’ Mike Gordey, ‘The Rrrrrrrrrrrunaway Train’ Brian Duncan! THIS! IS THEEEEEEEEE DRRRRRRRRRRREAM TEEEEEEEEEEEAM!”

(CUTTO: Referee Bruce Phillips trying to keep the steaming Hollywood Wrecking Crew in their corners as the Dream Team saunters down the walkway to the ring, pointing at it. MALIK is starting to punch himself in the head, still shouting as DUNCAN points right at him and makes a mock Anderson cutthroat motion.)

O’CONNOR: “We’ve got two nasty teams that don’t give one iota about staying within the rules, code or conduct of New Frontier Wrestling and this ain’t gonna be pretty in the least!”

(CUTTO: GORDEY and DUNCAN get in the ring, all four men immediately meet in the center and start getting in each other’s grills – ANDERSON/DUNCAN, GORDEY/BLAINE.)

O’CONNOR: “Referee Bruce Phillips is going to have his hands full here and I don’t envy his job in the least.”

H’WOOD: “I’m expecting a nice, clean amateur styled contest from my son.”

O’CONNOR: “Oh brother. Bruce Phillips finally getting these teams separated and I think we’re going to be seeing Malik Anderson starting against Mike Gordey.”

H’WOOD: “Actually, that doesn’t seem to be what Malik wants…”

(CLOSEUP: ANDERSON pointing at DUNCAN, then making the Bruce Lee hand-motion to bring it on. The crowd pops as DUNCAN nods approvingly and steps OVER the top rope and into the ring.)

O’CONNOR: (over loud roars!) “Oh boy, we’re gonna see the big men get it on right from the get-go as look at Malik Anderson, I’ve never seen him fired up like this!”

H’WOOD: “He’s a master self-motivator and whatever the North side of his hometown meant, then the mother comment…lord knows you NEVER talk about Malik’s momma!”

O’CONNOR: “Anderson storms to the middle with Duncan for a collar and elbow lock up – WHOA! (crowd shock!) Duncan just tossed Malik halfway across the ring and into the Wrecking Crew corner! Now THAT’S something I’ve never seen!”

H’WOOD: “Malik’s giving up height and weight, he needs to be careful…but I don’t care how fast the Runaway Train goes, nobody hits with the impact of the Black Sheep. There’s REAL hatred in him.”

O’CONNOR: “Malik is charging up to his feet and barrels into Duncan with a shoulder block, but that barely moved the big man back a step! Gordey’s leaning halfway in the ring, trying to get under his skin…Anderson charges at him, but misses a wild right while bouncing off the ropes…This time a running shoulderblock only takes Duncan back two steps! Malik’s fuming! He’s barreling off the ropes again – Duncan MISSES with the big boot! Malik’s firing up his thrusters and off the ropes again! (LOUD POP!) OHHHHHHH! JUMPING CLOTHESLINE! DUNCAN HITS THE BRICKS!”

(CLOSEUP: MALIK arching his chest towards the rafters and barking like a dog as DUNCAN wheels to a kneeling position, shaking out the cobwebs as GORDEY yells at him to get up!)

O’CONNOR: “Malik’s a house afire! Duncan getting up and leaning against the turnbuckles…here comes Anderson! NO! Duncan sidesteps, but Malik puts his hands up to avoid any impact! Malik catches Duncan with a swift kick to the gut, grabs him by the arm and whips him acr—NO! DUNCAN REVERSES! Malik slams into the buckles staggers out annnnnnnd (LOUD POP!) OH MY! DUNCAN HAS ANDERSON PRESSED OVER HIS HEAD!”

H’WOOD: “Dear God, someone make ‘Just’ Mark drink that man’s pee and find out if he’s following the rules of Eddie’s wellness plan!”

O’CONNOR: “That’s disgusting and this is UNHEARD OF! Anderson’s legs and arms are flailing like crazy…”

H’WOOD: “I think he’s scared of heights, Beanfry…everyone has SOMETHING!”

O’CONNOR: (over huge roars!) “Anderson crashes down to the mat and immediately rolls to his corner, holding his back and looking up bug-eyed at Brian Duncan! I don’t think anyone’s ever hurled that man like that before!”

(CLOSEUP: BLAINE trying to shake ANDERSON out of his bewildered stare, but to no avail. With a nervous roll of the neck, he makes the tag to Malik’s shoulder and gets in the ring slowly as the crowd starts booing!)

H’WOOD: “Malik as shocked as he is showed his tag team IQ by quickly retreating to his corner and tagging in a man that can chop ANYONE down to size.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, it doesn’t seem likely that Blaine’s trying that any time soon as he’s still in his corner and adjusting his kneepads…here comes Duncan…(boos!) Oh god, if we have to go through this again, I’m gonna push him in the ring myself!”

(CLOSEUP: BLAINE ducking his body through the middle ropes and telling the referee to ‘shoo’ DUNCAN away.)

O’CONNOR: “Honestly, I think the only way your son would stay in the ring for a minute is if the ropes were on fire!”

H’WOOD: “My son would NEVER wrestle a match like that! Its against the Oxonian code.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, thank the lord he’s getting back in the ring as Brian Duncan patiently waits in his corner and shakes his head in disbelief. (pop!) Looks like Gordey’s getting tagged in and Blaine’s smiling about that one…I don’t think he was itchin’ to tangle with a man that just rocket launched his guardian.”

H’WOOD: “His ENFORCER, Beanfry. There’s a world of difference. Besides, Gordey is the technical side and my boy would like nothing more to show that up.”

O’CONNOR: “Both are now pacing around the ring, and they meet in the middle with a lock-up and Blaine’s got a side headlock applied with a big smile. Hold up, Gordey backing them up and uses the momentum of the ropes to push Blaine off and packing…Blaine off the ropes and he connects with a shoulder block that puts Gordey to the mat, Blaine quickly running off the other side…Gordey rolls to his stomach and Blaine hops over and bounds off the ropes as Gordey pushes up to his feet! Hip Toss by Gordey and he’s got Blaine in a quick armbar!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t worry, Blaine has him right where he wants him…”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey latched onto that arm as Blaine spins to his feet, arm twist by The Natura and a savate kick to the gut sends Blaine to a knee! Gordey now wrapping on a side headlock and writing away into Blaine’s skull possibly giving some real cauliflower ears there!”

H’WOOD: “Here we go…”

O’CONNOR: (over boos!) “Blaine stumbled around on his knees and found his way to the ropes and force a break. The referee forcing Gordey back and Blaine’s staying in the ropes making a timeout call – as they always say in this sport, I don’t think he’s gonna get one as here comes Gordey laying the wood with some stomps! Blaine trying to fend them off to no avail and Gordey’s dragging him back towards the middle of the ring by his left leg…Gordey drops an elbow across the chest and makes a lateral press! ONE! No! Gordey catches Blaine trying to squirm out in a side headlock and we’re back to square one…”

H’WOOD: “That didn’t work out as planned, but now Blaine knows Gordey isn’t dumb enough to fall for that one…”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine pushing himself off the mat with Gordey grinding his head to dust…Blaine pushes Gordey off the ropes, I think Duncan got a tag and Gordey ducks under a wild clothesline by Hollywood…LOOK OUT! Blaine catches him with a quick boot to the gut and turns around to give Duncan a little choo-choo action! Phillips just made the signal it was a legal tag for the Dream Team!”

H’WOOD: “Ok, Blaine…please tell me you saw that!”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine hooks Gordey in a front facelock, but Duncan’s in the ring and bouncing off the ropes as Blaine lifts Gordey up for a suplex – OH! (groans!) Big kick to Blaine’s gut! Gordey’s back down and on his feet, he reverses the suplex! NO! (LOUD GROANS!) GOURDBUSTER ACROSS DUNCAN’S KNEE! A modified Stomachbuster if you will!”

H’WOOD: “My ribs are hurting Beanfry, I think I’m getting sympathy pains!”

O’CONNOR: “Or you tried the backstage buffet again. Blaine’s rolling around in a lot of pain and he’s in the ring with a giant in Brian Duncan! Duncan rips him up by the hair and crushes him with a vicious right hand! Another one crashes down on Blaine’s skull and drives him into the ropes! Duncan with a knee to the gut and wheels the doubled over Blaine into a Gutwrench…OOF! Another stomachbreaker! Blaine crawling on his knees towards the Wrecking Crew corner…”

H’WOOD: “He’s gonna make it! (groans!) Ok, maybe not.”

O’CONNOR: “Duncan with a leaping stomp to the back of Blaine’s head and that stops him in his tracks…Duncan has him by the hair and lifting Blaine to a standing base and with ease scoops him over the shoulder!”

H’WOOD: “Slip out, slip out, slip out…”

O’CONNOR: (over groans!) “NO DICE! Duncan drops to a knee, working over those ribs on his shoulder! OOF! Snapping Body Slam to the mat right after that and now Duncan’s off the ropes…pulls the conductor’s horn and drops a crushing elbow drop right across the chest of Blaine! Lateral press! ONE! TWO! No! Blaine kicks out and I think Duncan’s happy about that.”

H’WOOD: “Blaine’s playing possum, he knows this guy’s easier to outsmart than a drunk monkey.”

O’CONNOR: “From your mouth to Duncan’s ears…The Runaway Train’s taking the New Age of Hollywood back to the Dream Team corner…and he delivers a few shoulderblocks to Blaine’s gut before making the tag to Gordey. The Natural’s quickly on the job hitting some side kicks to the gut! Blaine’s in a world of trouble, Gordey brings him out in a front facelock…hooking for a suplex…(STOMP!) Snap Suplex by Gordey with a rollover pin attempt! ONE! TWO! NO!”

H’WOOD: “He hooked the tights!”

O’CONNOR: “He did not! But that doesn’t change the fact that Blaine Hollywood is in the center of Dodge taking bullets right now…Gordey smacks his jaw with a vicious left forearm smash, gives a kiss to that tattoo…and tattoos Blaine with another, which drives him into the Dream Team corner. Tag to Duncan and Blaine Hollywood is taking a two on one beating right now and Malik Anderson looks like a caged animal all the way across the ring…”

H’WOOD: “All it takes is one mistake to change the tides of this match and Blaine will exploit through his scientific prowess.”

O’CONNOR: “That’s not what I’d call a nutshot, but perhaps the Dream Team is too smart for that anyway ‘cause Duncan’s just choking Blaine out with that gargantuan boot. Blaine trying to struggle out of there, now pulling himself out of the ring with the ropes. Bruce Phillips trying to pull Duncan out of there, but he needs to keep his eyes on Gordey! (loud groans!) OH! Gordey rams Blaine’s head into the guardrail and rolls him back in the ring…”

H’WOOD: “That’s illegal, he can’t do that!”

O’CONNOR: “I think we’re gonna see a lot of that. Blaine stumbling up to his feet and LOOK OUT! (crowd screams!) HUGE CLOTHESLINE! THAT JUST SPUN OUT HOLLYWOOD INTO A MID-AIR 360!”

H’WOOD: “Ok, I think this is the point where Malik should get in the ring…”

O’CONNOR: “He needs to be tagged IN…”

H’WOOD: “No…no, he doesn’t.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine Hollywood is in no man’s land and his skull has been knocked for a loop…Duncan has him by the hair and picks him up…hard right hand! Another! Duncan backs Blaine into the ropes and Irish Whips him across…BOOT TO THE GUT! Duncan has Blaine up in a Suplex! (crash! Crowd pop!) INTO A POWERSLAM!”

H’WOOD: “But what Braindead Duncan didn’t see was where he just sent Blaine towards and who he tagged!”

O’CONNOR: “MALIK’S IN THE RING! Duncan’s in his crosshairs unsuspectingly! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHH! RUNNING SPEAR BY THE BLACK SHEEP! DUNCAN GOT TAKEN OFF HIS FEET!”

H’WOOD: “NOW WE’RE TALKING! NOW WE’RE GONNA SEE JUSTICE!”

O’CONNOR: “Stick a sock in it and try to at least hold onto your professional dignity!”

H’WOOD: “NEVER!”

O’CONNOR: “Malik Anderson screaming south side obscenities and has Duncan around the head as he stumbles to his feet…SNAP DEEEEEEE DEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEE! Duncan’s motionless and Anderson rolls him over for the pin, while hooking the leg! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOO! THRRRRRRNO! THE RUNAWAY TRAIN HAS NOT BEEN STOPPED YET!”

H’WOOD: “Why don’t you just be more corny and tell us their DREAMS are still alive?”

O’CONNOR: “That’s not a bad one. (H’WOOD grumbles) I’ll be sure to use it later in this match…if Brian Duncan can survive what’s looking like the unsettling crawl back to his corner through two men from wrestling’s greatest family dynasties. Anderson just using his right arm as a sledgehammer across Duncan’s back as he tries to get up…and as long as he’s not seven feet in the air against this guy, he’s merciless!”

H’WOOD: “You don’t wrestle this kind of man, Beanfry…you try to survive him!”

O’CONNOR: “Anderson gripping Duncan by the hair and has his him in a front facelock, lifts him uhhhhhp… DELAYED suplex looks to be the trend as Malik Anderson is miraculously holding 300 pounds straight up in vertical line! He’s walking towards his corner and Blaine emphatically tags him. (CRASH!) AND DOWN DUNCAN FALLS LIKE A REDWOOD! Blaine bouncing off the ropes after tossing his right elbow pad in the air…Malik’s got Duncan by the legs and turning him over into a BAHSTEN CRAB! (LOUD GROANS!) Leaping Elbow Drop across the small of Duncan’s back!”

H’WOOD: “And they’re attacking the source of A LOT of Duncan’s power and you know Malik’s salivating at going after any man’s back.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine Hollywood, the NEW Age of Hollywood is on his feet and stalking around Duncan, while laying down some smack…bounces off the ropes…(groans!) DOUBLE STOMP to Duncan’s back! Hollywood now grabbing Duncan by the hair and has him to a standing base…Blaine with a scoop and a BACKBREAKER! Duncan’s in some serious pain and you can tell from Mike Gordey’s face that he’s worried about this situation.”

H’WOOD: “Well, I’m sure he’s just concerned about the chiropractic bills this one will cost him…besides every handicapped NFW viewer is probably rooting for this considering earlier in the evening…”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine taking Duncan to the turnbuckles and I think he’s taking him up the elevator, Lamont! Hold on! (cheers!) Duncan fighting off Blaine with some right hands! Here comes Malik, but he eats one as well! Blaine tags Malik as Duncan stumbles off…OH! Drop toe hold by Blaine! (groans!) Diving shoulderblock to the back by Anderson!”

H’WOOD: “I think you were doubting that my boy could fight a fair fight, Beanfry…what do you think now?”

O’CONNOR: “Frankly, I’m just waiting for it. Meanwhile, Malik is stomping away on Duncan’s back and now dropping some vicious axehandles. Malik now grabbing the big man the hair and has him around the waist…Malik’s got the big man in a bear hug! HE’S GONE MAD! DUNCAN’S BIGGER THAN HIM!”

H’WOOD: “Tell that to Duncan!”

(CLOSEUP: DUNCAN’S face is beet-red as he’s tearing his hair in pain!)

O’CONNOR: “The old-school bear hug is locked tight in the middle and Duncan’s trying to keep his arms up and OH! Double Arm Clap to Malik’s head and that has no effect on the Black Sheep! Another and no effect! (LOUD POP!) OH! MALIK WITH A HEADBUTT! ANOTHER! Duncan’s on DREAM street…”

H’WOOD: “There ya go!”

O’CONNOR: “And Malik’s got him around the waist again with a bear hug – NO! (LOUD ROAR!) OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! MALIK ANDERSON JUST LAUNCHED HIM!”

(CLOSEUP: ANDERSON popping to his feet, facing the crowd and doing the signature Anderson cutthroat motion – the crowd starts roaring as GORDEY tags DUNCAN’S foot on the ropes!)

H’WOOD: “That’s not a legal tag!”

O’CONNOR: “In NFW, any part of the body counts! Gordey’s tagged in and Malik Anderson underestimated his own strength! He’s too amped out there! (pop!) Gordey with a running knee to Malik’s back that tangles him in the ropes…dropkick by Gordey (cheers!) and Malik falls out of the ring to the cement! Malik needed to keep his eyes on the ball and his opponent on his half of the ring and judging by Blaine’s angered glare…he’s feeling the same way!”

H’WOOD: “Me too..great! I can’t deal with these sympathy pains, Beanfry…if you weren’t so bad at your job maybe I’d let you deal with this fiasco!”

O’CONNOR: “Malik staggering to his feet, but Gordey’s rolling out of the ring and quickly on the situation…grabbing Malik by the tights and taking him closer to the Dream Team side…WAIT! (loud pop!) And he just propelled him into the ring barricade! Anderson howling in pain and Gordey’s got him…LOOK OUT! (LOUD GROANS!) CROTCHDROP ONTO THE GUARDRAIL! Man, oh man, Mike Gordey just upped the ante folks!”

(CLOSEUP: GORDEY smirking and asking ANDERSON, “Did that hurt?” Before lifting up the barricade and causing a mini-drop, which sends ANDERSON falling to the cement in pain.)

GORDEY: “What about that big man? You f**k the sheep with that? Is that how you got your name?”

H’WOOD: “Mike Gordey may be the bravest man I know right now.”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey’s got a hold of Malik and watch out! (CRASH!) He just pushed him into the ring steps, cracking his back against it! Irony can’t escape this situation as Mike Gordey might be attempting to break Malik Anderson’s back.”

H’WOOD: “He’s crossed a line he might regret, that’s all I know. It was bad enough when they announced the North Side…now he’s questioning bloodlines!”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey rolling Malik back in the ring as Brian Duncan still looks to be recuperating, while Blaine Hollywood is yelling at Malik Anderson that he DESERVES to get his ass kicked. Unbelievable…”

H’WOOD: “My son is a MASTER motivator, Beanfry.”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey lifting up Malik, he’s got him around the waist…(LOUD GROANS!) INVERTED ATOMIC DROP! Gordey’s still got him around the waist…(MORE GROANS…) OH MAN! Another Inverted Atomic Drop and Malik Anderson looks like a broken man down on the mat! Gordey staying right on with him a few stomps…”

H’WOOD: “He better, I don’t want to be in his boots if Malik recovers…”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey lifting Malik up to a standing base and backs him off the ropes…Irish Whip by Gordey! (CROWD ROAR!) SPIIIIINEBUSTER BY GORDEY! He just delivered it Minnesota or more appropriately…Anderson styled!”

(CLOSEUP: GORDEY getting to his feet and making a mock cutthroat motion as the crowd gets LOUD! All of a sudden, MALIK ANDERSON is in the picture right behind GORDEY, huffing and puffing!)

O’CONNOR: “If Mike Gordey wants to live, he may not want to turn arrrrrrrrLOOK OUT! (LOUD CRASH!) OHHHHHHHHHH! ANDERSON SPINEBUSTER BY THE BLACK SHEEP! HE COLLAPSES ON GORDEY! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! NOOOOOOOO! GORDEY KICKED OUT!”

H’WOOD: “But he sure as hell learned that you NEVER Spinebuster that man!”

O’CONNOR: “Malik didn’t hook the leg and Gordey was able to kick out in the nick of time! Malik makes the tag (boos!) to Blaine and he’s immediately in the ring with a leaping elbow drop across the chest of Gordey! Blaine quickly on his feet and running off the opposite ropes…leaping legdrop across the bridge of Gordey’s nose! Gordey rolling over onto his belly, hold on Blaine’s got a hold of his ankle…STF – NO! Bow and Arrow by Blaine!”

H’WOOD: “And this is wrestling entertainment that you can’t top! That heel lock…that was just exquisite!”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey trying to fight his way out of it, but here comes Phillips with the count! ONE! TW—NO! Gordey’s quickly out of it and I’m just not sure if this is something that’s gonna viably get a pin. Gordey pushes himself back to on his chest…Blaine mounted over him and if we were judging, he’s showing control. I’m not even sure, oh wait! Blaine now executing a Back Bow and Leg Turk, I don’t think we’ve seen this in professional wrestling for thirty years!”

H’WOOD: “Appreciate the amateur wrestling applications of one of the greatest of all-time, Beanfry! Gordey’s turning beet red in there, just trying to break out of this!”

O’CONNOR: “I wouldn’t doubt your son is choking him, but I’m not going to doubt the inertia and strength that Gordey has to exert to keep his shoulders off the mat! Wait, here comes Phillips! ONE! TW—NO! Shoulders back on the mat! ONE! TW—NO! Gordey kicks his leg free, Blaine releases control and OH! (loud groans!) He leapt to his feet and just booted a 35 yard missile against Gordey’s jaw! Gordey trying to get to his feet, but Blaine’s on him and pushing him against the ropes…Irish Whip off the ropes and WATCH OUT! (crowd pop!) URANAGE BY BLAINE! He covers, hooks one leg with the arm, the other with his free leg! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Gordey really had to find some strength to push his shoulder up.”

H’WOOD: “Its all in the details and that’s why a man like Malik Anderson would align himself with someone like Blaine Hollywood. He RESPECTS the knowledge of fine wine, women and wrestling.”

O’CONNOR: “Blaine grabbing Gordey by the hair and OOF! (groans!) Vicious slapping kneelift by Blaine and Gordey’s back down on the mat, holding his face…grabbing his back, he’s just getting worked on all ends by the Wrecking Crew…”

H’WOOD: “This team thrives on focusing on a body part, then stretching and striking it. If you won’t quit off that one, then they’ll just start bashing your head in until you can’t stand.”

O’CONNOR: “Gordey trying to get himself up via the ropes and I just love how Blaine won’t give him a break…(boos!) and now starts choking Gordey over the top rope! Phillips giving a five count and Blaine snaps the ropes causing Gordey to crash against the mat and half-somersault to a flop on his belly…Blaine quickly getting to a standing position over him and looks like he’s pulling himself up in a Cobra Clutch Sleeper position! (crowd gets loud!) Gordey trying to fight his way out of it, he’s got Blaine by the head – WAIT! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHH! COBRA CLUTCH BACKBREAKER!”

H’WOOD: “WOOOOOO! The Dream Team better scheme a way to pay their chiropractic bills for the next month!”

O’CONNOR: “They’re not out of this one yet, Woodman…but ‘The NATURAL,’ the brains of the operation…he DOES need to figure out a way to make the tag because the way things are going, he may not feel the lower half of his body in a few minutes…meanwhile, Blaine Hollywood WISELY drags him closer to the Wrecking Crew corner…and now he’s standing over Gordey again…OH NO! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) BLAINE’S HOOKING IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH! (LOUD SCREAMS!) JESUS CHRIST! HE’S GOING TO BREAK GORDEY’S BACK, HE’S PULLING HIM INTO A NEARLY VERTICAL POSITION!”

H’WOOD: “Blaine learned this particular hold from one of the finest wrestling dojos in Kyoto, Japan. Supposedly, he needed to find a specific flower on the top of Mt. Fuji just to get through the doors.”

O’CONNOR: (over the freaked out crowd!) “Nobody’s seen a man bend like this, WAIT! (cheers!) Brian Duncan’s in the ring and delivers a high knee to the back of Blaine’s head! Bruce Phillips immediately starts pushing the big man to his corner, but that might’ve saved Mike Gordey from tapping out, or worse yet – suffering serious injury!”

H’WOOD: “Are you kidding, Beanfry…Malik just tagged in!”

O’CONNOR: “The Black Sheep has Gordey by the hair and reels him into a standing headscissors! Duncan finally out of the ring, but Gordey’s UP IN THE AIRRRRRRR! OHHHHHHH! (LOUD CHEERS!) POWERBOMB BACKBREAKER! MIKE GORDEY HAS TO BE DEAD!”

H’WOOD: “And I don’t think he died of NATURAL causes!”

O’CONNOR: “Malik covers, he’s got the leg hooked! PHILLIPS POWERSLIDES IN! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! THRRREEEEEEEENO! NOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) GORDEY KICKED OUT!?!? HOW IN THE HELL COULD HE!?”

H’WOOD: “I…I…that SHOULD have been it, Beanfry. You’d think that Gordey would be smart enough to save his career instead of risk complete paralysis in this match!”

O’CONNOR: “The Everette Memorial Tag Titles may be the dawn of a new tag team era in New Frontier Wrestling. The Suicide Kings, the OSS, the Hollywood Wrecking Crew and now the Dream Team are cementing themselves as the fourth ELITE tag team in NFW and can anyone else boast that? Mike Gordey knows how important this match is and as Blaine Hollywood demands a tag and gets it…we could be seeing the beginning of the end for the Natural, I don’t know how he makes his way back to his corner.”

H’WOOD: “He’s not because Blaine’s about to take this one all the way down Sunset Boulevard to Malibu Highway, take a left on…”

O’CONNOR: “What are you doing?”

H’WOOD: “HOME, baby! He’s taking it HOME!”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd getting loud!) “Blaine Hollywood is carrying a nearly limp Mike Gordey over his shoulder…and now places him on the TOP turnbuckle of the Wrecking Crew corner! Blaine hammering away with some overzealous roundhouse right hands! Blaine now climbing up the t