Originally taped for broadcast: April 20, 2008
(MUSICUP: ‘Testify’ (extended intro) – Rage Against the Machine)
(FADEIN: An overhead helicopter shot of the middle of the California desert, passing over dunes upon dunes until it reaches a migrant city that’s been built in the middle of what looks to be nowhere. Red, white and black tents form a star pattern around a monstrous group of grass fields, each proudly displaying different wrestlers embroidered onto the NFW Revolution star flags…)
V/O: “It is not a matter of wishing success to the victim of aggression, but of sharing his fate; one must accompany him to his death or to victory.”
(FAST-FORWARD IMAX FX: A wrestling ring getting set up in the middle of the star, various eighteen-wheelers, construction cranes and various Tonka Truck-like vehicles helping set up a gigantic Epcot Steel Cage Dome. Connecting the ring to the top of the star is a long crimson and white streaked ramp, which meets the steel cage a little over ten feet away from the ring.)
V/O: “There are no boundaries in this struggle to the death. We cannot be indifferent to what happens anywhere in the world, for a victory by any country over imperialism is our victory; just as any country's defeat is a defeat for all of us.”
(FX cont’d: At the end of the ramp, the WRESTLESTOCK TWO production area and guerilla position starts getting set as the foundation for the FRONTIERtron and SMOKEscreens quickly forms…)
V/O: “Silence is argument carried out by other means.”
(CUTTO: More foundations are built for WIDESCREEN trons to sparsely surround what’s being outlined as the back of the general admission festival. Metallic bleacher benches start getting propped up on quarter-mile long wooden platforms which puts the wrestling ring in a slightly lower position from the outer seats. The whole vantage point makes it seem like the Thunderdome is at the bottom of a shell.)
V/O: “I would rather die standing up, then live life on my knees.”
(As the dome is completed, the top triangle tip of the star now looks like a gateway to the bustling NFW backstage production area, trucks and backstage zone. Finally, the helicopter raises higher towards the clouds…revealing thousands upon thousands fans inhabiting an enormous campground surrounding the Revolution Star-City and the grounds are filled with specks of humans, tent colors and thousands of vehicles stretching back to the highway as we...FADETOBLACK.)
(FINALLY, Zach De La Rocha’s lyrics kick into your left and right speakers as ‘TESTIFY’ continues…)
The movie ran through me
The glamour subdued me
(QUICK FADEIN: DAN RYAN barreling through FELIX RED with a running clothesline! HIGHLIGHT REEL: RYAN dropping RED with the Humility Bomb! NOVA passing out to the Texas Cloverleaf in Vegas! RYAN holding up the NFW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP, looking out at the crowd like he’ll assault the whole front row if they don’t start standing up to clap.)
The tabloid untied me
I'm empty please fill me
(QUICK CUTTO: NOVA and ELI FLAIR hanging in HELL’s KITCHEN from the 2005 Ultratitle Season 2 Western Conference Championship! HIGHLIGHT REEL: NOVA hitting the twirling, flippity Ultratitle Season Two winning legdrop on YORI! NOVA standing on the turnbuckles, fans on their feet leaping as he raises his hands in victory! NOVA walking through explosions, a cage lighting his scalp on fire…and finally a grisly image of his bloodied face looking towards the sky in the rejoice of victory.)
Mister anchor assure me
That Baghdad is burning
(CLOSEUP: JOE THE PLUMBER on his knees, bleeding profusely and clutching the NFW TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP like a starving beggar finding a sack of hamburgers. HIGHLIGHT REEL: JOE hitting the VOLCANO SPLASH on NOVA! SPLIT-SCREEN: We get a near-replica on BLAINE HOLLYWOOD! CUTTO: JOE getting savagely beaten down in the ring by Big Bill Judo as dozens of wrestlers storm the ring! QUICK-REEL: Everyone from ALMASY to UGANDA quickly flashing on the screen, full representation of Joe’s TWENTY-FOUR opponents for the Royale!)
Your voice it is so soothing
(QUICK CUTTO’s: TERESA QUARANTA smiling in mid-promo, then holding up the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP! Then, we get a shot of SEAN STEVENS looking up at her holding up the title, holding himself up on the barricade…an injured ankle making it impossible for him to move much at all…)
That cunning mantra of killing
(QUICK CUTTO’s: TSUNAMI surprising CALVIN CARLTON with a blast of mist! DC STRATTON sliding across a table lit on fire, his shirt igniting as well! CLOSEUP: BLAINE HOLLYWOOD and MALIK ANDERSON disrobing and wearing TWO championships apiece around their waists.)
Need you my witness
To dress this up so bloodless
To numb me and purge me now
(SPLIT-SCREEN: FELIX RED hitting the Shattered Horizon into a pile of smoldering wood and DC STRATTON! LEGION delivering a curbstomp to a hapless soul! ROOK BLACK in an array of bloody situations involving STEVE CHRIST, SICKNESS and MIKE RANDALLS.)
Of thoughts of blaming you
Yes the car is our wheelchair
My witness your coughing
(CUTTO: BROCK ALYAS dropping some poor sap on his head! ALYAS barreling through PROFESSOR TREMENDOUS and CAMERON CRUISE at Crash 44! TREMENDOUS barreling over 3 kindergartners in route to a thunderous reverse basketball jam on a 7 foot hoop! ALYAS in close-up mode, his face twitching as he looks inside an empty Haliburton…)
Oily silence mocks the legless boys
Who travel now in coffins
On the corner
(CUTTO: Fans piling into the campgrounds and migrant ‘Thunderdome’ city…some people camping out near ringside to save their seats. HIGHLIGHT REEL: Fans hitting joints, bongs, apples, potatoes, coke cans, beer funnels, ice luge!?, nitrous tank, balloons, five garbage cans filled with Electric Kool-Aid…)
The jury's sleepless
We found your weakness
And it's right outside your door
(CUTTO: LIVE! WRESTLESTOCK TWO! CAMERA FLASHES FLICKERING! THE CROWD ROARING! WWWWWWHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEER! BOOOOOOOOOM! A squadron of pyrotechnic wizardry explodes over the mid-afternoon spring sun of INDIO, CALIFORNIA – 50,000-PLUS LEAPING IN A FRENZY!)
TESTIFY (redux)
(OVERHEAD CAM: Fans jumping and cheering as the reverberating echoes of wooden
platforms being stomped on, metal bleachers getting pimpslapped and bursts of
mini-bomb fireworks popping off around the 25 foot radius EPCOT THUNDERDOME
CAGE surrounding the white and crimson NFW Revolution wrestling ring and ringside
area. There’s a handful of front-row general admission fans just within
reach of the actual cage as a legion of security line the outer perimeter.)
KERRY O’CONNOR: “IIIIIINNNNNNDIO, CALIFORNNNYYYYUH! (LOUD CHEERS!) YOU ARE BEEEEEEYOND THUNDERDOME! YOU ARE BEYOND GROUND ZERO! (LOUD POP!) YOU ARE AT THE NNNEXUS OF WRRRRRESTLING REVOLUTION! YOU ARE AT THE EPICENTER OF THE NNNNNNNEW FRONTIER! THIS IS THE CELEBRATION OF FREEDOM! (LOUD CHEERS!) THIS! IS! WRRRRRRRRRRESTLESTAHHHHHHHK TWOOOOOOOOO!”
(QUICK CUTTO: Jets of smoke following a cavalcade of shooting missiles that EXPLODE in a star pattern over the crowd to a roaring approval! CUTTO: INSIDE THE DOME! KERRY O’CONNOR standing in a collared polo shirt and khakis as a slight breeze blows through his hair as LAMONT HOLLYWOOD stands next to him in a white collared shirt and white slacks, gold sunglasses looking around in fear at the fans rattling the cage near the announcing table area!)
O’CONNOR: “As ALWAYS, I am Kerry O’Connor and joined by my broadcast partner of nearly EIGHT years! We started all the way back in a dingy bar in Baltimore, Maryland…but right now…with FIFTY-THOUSAND FANS ON THE MOST HOLY DAY OF FOUR-TWENTY…”
(CUTTO: Green sparklers shoot from the ringposts and the top of the FRONTIERtron as the crowd starts chanting “BURN ONE DOWN! BURN ONE DOWN!” QUICK CUTTO: LAMONT looking frantically from the left to right, obviously feeling out of his element as KERRY looks on a little too happily to be here.)
O’CONNOR: “You are looking at the PENULTIMATE event of the WRESTLING INDUSTRY in 2008! This isn’t about our superior production values, this isn’t about finding 50,000 EN-EFF-DUB SUPPORTERS (loud pop! “EN-EFF-DUB” chants start trickling in…) to breathe life into the THIRTY-PLUS wrestlers competing tonight! This isn’t even about NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING’s name anymore, its about what this PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT priced at TWENTY DOLLARS means to the fans of WRESTLING. We’ve challenged the GREATEST from around the world, from ANY circuit, from ANY promotion to walk through these doors and find out where they stand…and on April 20, 2008 – we’re about to get A LOT of answers!”
(All of a sudden, as if to cut of the crowd chants – H’WOOD quickly chops through the air and looks incredibly upset!)
H’WOOD: “NO! NO! NO! I don’t know what you just smoked with Nova backstage, Beanfry…but I feel like I’m completely surrounded by 50,000 of AMERICA’S MOST WANTED! I feel like if the FBI and CIA showed up half of the world’s terrorist and crime activity would cease to exist! Take a look at this place! (H’WOOD motions to the crowd, getting a huge cheer!) I just drove in from Palm Springs forty-five minutes ago, and I’ve witnessed more people taking more substances than the 1960’s and 1970’s together! Where’s the WRESTLING REVOLUTION, Beanfry? Where’s the simple booking of the Hollywood Paladium, black tie dress required and a man like ‘Hot Property’ Eddie Mayfield or Flic Rair strutting down the aisle escorted by the 2007 Playmates of the Month!?”
O’CONNOR: “Well along with yourself…there’s a whole host of confusion about exactly WHAT this WRESTLING REVOLUTION really stands for. And unfortunately for yourself, Woodman…I don’t think it matters about image. (H’WOOD scoffs) I don’t think it matters about gimmicks, costumes, face, heel, tweener…for once, I think I UNDERSTAND what Eddie Mayfield has helped Craig Miles bring back to the NEW FRONTIER.”
H’WOOD: (his eyes bulging) “YOU’RE NOT ABOUT TO EXECUTE ME, ARE YOU?”
O’CONNOR: (eyebrow raising) “Noooooo, but I am talking about stripping away the tertiary madness that came along with the Ultratitle Seasons. Let’s face it, if the crowd AND wrestlers are completely out-of-control, what we’re BEST at…what the NEW FRONTIER has always been about gets lost in the shuffle.”
H’WOOD: “Your inability to dress like anything, but a prep-school alumnus?”
O’CONNOR: (shaking his head) “No, the WRESTLING. And it’s not just you that’s forgotten that…take a look at NOVA and FELIX RED, (mixed reaction…) two men that DOMINATED their two respective Ultratitle Season Two Conferences…now finding themselves at a dangerous crossroads. They are the epitome of these fans…what they stand for…but in their own twisted way, they’ve fought tooth and nail over why the fans bought into the Revolution in the first place! If Nova and Felix want to BEHAVE CONSTANTLY like our fans, they’ll end up just becoming them…while Dan Ryan, Brock Alyas, Sean Stevens, Lord Coyner Pollard and Professor Tremendous keep their eyes on the prize…thus finding themselves closer to the GOLD, SILVER, PLATINUM that these fans PAY TO WATCH.”
H’WOOD: “Well, you’re forgetting the two greatest WRESTLERS in this god forsaken despot of delinquents…and that’s BLAINE HOLLYWOOD! (LOUD BOOS!) MALIK ANDERSON! (some cheers!) THE HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW. (H’WOOD flashes a grin) I hear what you’re saying, Beanfry. You can take Craig Miles out of the ring, but you can’t take the ring out of Craig Miles. With him and Eddie pubically on the same page, they’ve naturally balanced each other into overseeing something that’s REVOLUTIONARY, but DISGUSTING (boos!) and UNDERGROUND all the same at once. Let me tell you how happy that they’ve figured out how to sell this.”
(H’WOOD makes a ZILCH sign angrily to O’CONNOR as the crowd roars!)
O’CONNOR: (laughing) “Well, I can only tell ya Woodman…you better strap up, buckle in and hold on for the NEXT FOUR HOURS. (LOUD CHEERS!) And if it was anything like the first four hours of rock n’ roll sponsored by K-ROCK CALIFORNIA 107.9 FM headlined by VALERIAN’S GARDEN…”
H’WOOD: “I was sorely disappointed by Lesbian Deathcab Cutie band, which had a VERY misleading name.”
O’CONNOR: “These fans are AMPED! (LOUD ROARS!) READY! (MORE ROARS!) AND READY TO ROLL! And it’s a MOUNTAIN of a plate to eat up New Frontier style as we’ve got a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MAIN EVENT! (loud cheers! Chants of “RYAN!” and “NOVA!” start volleying back and forth) You can hear the 50,000-plus, they’re torn apart at the seams trying to figure out who they want to win! Dan Ryan, the de Facto Grand Marksman of the Wrestling Revolution, who just 72 hours ago caused Nova to PASS OUT in the middle of a Las Vegas ring to defend this title. He hit something like three or four powerbombs in the match, before locking Nova in a submission Texas Cloverleaf. The Rising Star’s hurt, he’s battered and wounded…and if body does even hold up, can he recover from a wake-up call like that?”
H’WOOD: “I don’t know how Nova wakes up in general with what’s in his system, but I don’t think it matters. Dan Ryan has staked his own heart on a sword right next to this Revolution’s Flag. Whatever Miles and Mayfield brewed up in the kitchen, it’s got someone like him drinking like a river. He’s turned it up 75 notches and wiped through the BEST competition NFW can bring him. We’re talking about Nova three days ago, we’re talking about Rook Black, Felix Red…there are very few icons left in this industry BESIDES Ryan at this point, maybe that’s why he’s so CONFIDENT to put his career on the line.”
O’CONNOR: “And after Ryan’s resounding Las Vegas win, something has changed about this match. That was a monkey off the champion’s back since we are talking about possibly the last two ICONS of this industry currently competing on a full-time basis. Ryan and Nova have tangoed elsewhere to Ryan’s chagrin BEFORE, but none of it really matters now. Ryan’s victory cleaned the slate, so to speak.”
(SPLIT-SCREEN: DAN RYAN clips on one side, NOVA clips on the other side. They finally move to them standing toe-to-toe at what seems like forever ago: CRASH London Autumn 2007.)
O’CONNOR: “This is like the PAY-PER-VIEW MAIN EVENT they’ve never had. This is in front of 50,000 rabid fans and the millions watching across the world on their television sets. This is about the last two years of these two men DOMINATING the two most popular worldwide wrestling circuits from ESEN’s FW.Com and PRIMETIME CENTRAL. New Frontier Wrestling is the only promotion that’s consistently fused the circuits under one umbrella for the last five years…and this match, TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS…Nova in his last promo saying if he loses this match, “HE HAS NOTHING LEFT.” This is HIGH DRAMA. This is the epitome of DOUBLE OR NOTHING and I can’t wait.”
H’WOOD: “And that’s what becomes interesting. Under the BRIGHT, BRIGHT lights of New Frontier Wrestling…well, let’s face it…Dan Ryan has had much less success than Nova. That match in Vegas was in front of around 7,000 fans if I’m not wrong…it wasn’t in front of MILLIONS. Nova’s Wrestlebowl Two victory didn’t impress me too much in the long run, considering it came over a dildo entrepreneur. …but he went through Eli Flair for the Western Conference Championship in Flair’s style of a match. Ryan retired Flair two cards later from NFW, so there’s a lot of six degrees of separation that are finally about to get some closure.”
O’CONNOR: “And I realize we’ve spent a lot of time on that subject, but that’s why it’s the main event. But not to undercut the most HYPED match we’ve seen in New Frontier Wrestling since the infamous Season Two Survivor Series promotion that saw Felix Red muse “What the (BLEEP!) is the CS(BLEEP!)A?” But what a two weeks its been watching the Twenty-Five attendees for the TELEVISION TITLE ROYALE (LOUD ROARS! The fans awaken chanting “JOE! JOE! JOE!”) Well, this is where CRAIG MILES and EDDIE MAYFIELD may be going AGAINST some of what the Revolution wants, Lamont! Their view of a Wrestling Revolution does not seem to include a man that’s held the Television Champion for a YEAR. A man that’s defeated NOVA in singles competition. That’s pinned BLAINE HOLLYWOOD. We couldn’t find anyone in NFW to beat him, so we’ve now got 24 wrestlers from around the world hired to try and do the job.”
H’WOOD: “There’s a few NFW regulars in there, Beanfry…but in preparing to call this match, I only have one battlecry for EVERY, SINGLE WRESTLER in this thing.”
O’CONNOR: “What’s that, Lamont?”
H’WOOD: “SOMEBODY KILL VARGA.”
O’CONNOR: “I figured you’d like him. (H’WOOD: “HA!”) We’ve got mystery masked men like the Unknown Soldier (cheers!) …a man calling himself Karma. Sars the Clown II (boos!) is going to probably be more controversial than Joe, if possible. Than, out of nowhere, Steve Knox the multi-time champion from one of the finest wrestling independent promotions in North America, theSquaredCircle. almasyDeath, Brian Duncan, A.D.D.(cheers!), Pollard (boos!)…those NFW regulars, well they’re still rather new in the 8-year scheme of the promotion. From what I’ve heard, a few of them are embittered about this many people getting a shot at Joe, so we may see some bitterness and side-taking perhaps?”
H’WOOD: “I’ve got a funny feeling about this one, Beanfry. Miles and Mayfield are anti-Joe, but unless everyone goes against him…this may be up his wheelhouse and maybe they really AREN’T Anti-Joe. Remember, he won this title as a co-champion with Shawn Hart with Battle Royal rules.”
O’CONNOR: “True, but the Random Rumble additional rules may go against him yet. Now, we’ve labored almost fifteen minutes on two title matches, we’ve got TWO MORE. Your son, Blaine Hollywood…Malik Anderson…managed by Calvin Carlton, the EVERETTE MEMORIAL TITLE holders, the owners of the now defunct NFW World Tag Team Championship titles…those four title belts are proverbially against the line as the HOLLYWOOD WRECKING CREW defend against TSUNAMI! (LOUD CHEERS!) DC STRATTON! (mixed reaction) THE SUICIDE KINGS! (cheers!) HAHA! That’s 50,000-plus ALREADY knowing their side!”
H’WOOD: “Whatever, Beanfry! My son and Malik are gladiators and if they have to walk into this drugged-out disgusting coliseum of fans foaming at the mouth of two garbage wrestlers throwing them against the cage a few times…well, then MANY of you have underestimated THEIR OXONIAN SKILL, (LOUD BOOS!) THEIR ANDERSON FAMILY TRADITION (MORE BOOS!)…and CALVIN CARLTON’S TAG-TEAM MANAGING EXCELLENCE! And don’t think this isn’t personal, Beansprout! Tsunami tried to BLIND Calvin Carlton, THERE SHALL BE BLOOD. You can trust me on that.”
(OVERHEAD-CAM: Fans jumping over at each other, booing all things Hollywood. QUICK CUTTO: Back ringside, where LAMONT is engaged with a few sidebar words with fans rattling the cage behind him, screaming his son is going to bleed dry…)
O’CONNOR: “If that’s not enough, the venom you’re watching next to me just about entails the professional wrestling relationship between Sean Stevens and Teresa Quaranta. If you’ve ever wanted to watch two wrestlers unabashedly try to soil each other’s reputation with biting conjecture and riveting rumor-filled quandaries, then these two were just a treat. As we all know, Sean Stevens has had this title shot on the table since his LAST match in NFW, where his ankle was sprained during the National Championship Series which Teresa Q WON.”
(In the background, H’WOOD yells “Who the hell do you think you are!? You look like the albino tattoeed offspring of that butch chick from the Goonies and Billy Corgan!)
O’CONNOR: “Regardless of whether it was shattered or sprained, how much Sean Stevens sat out injured and SILENT in New Frontier Wrestling, the fact came down to Eddie Mayfield giving this title shot to a HEALTHY and certainly HUNGRY Sean Stevens over Legion or Luci4. I agreed with the decision based on Legion and Luci’s lack of wrestling experience, but they’ll have their hands full plenty against Rook Black and Felix Red. Now Lamont…”
(H’WOOD is now yelling at someone else, “OH DON’T EVEN TALK! You’re the UGLY brother of Horatio Sanz that obviously got addicted to meth and crack! What’s sad is that with him as your brother, you’re still the UGLY one. I didn’t even think that was possible!”)
O’CONNOR: “LAMONT!”
H’WOOD: (swerving around!) “WHAT!? Legion, Rook, Felix and Luci are COMPLETE FREAKS and I hope they BURN IN HELL AND DIE! (swerves back to the fans) Unfortunately for you Big Belly Sanz, they’ll probably starve you to death…you’d smell like digested pinto beans, rancid sour cream and maggot infested rice!”
O’CONNOR: (looking at the camera in disbelief) “Well, that’s one way of putting their match into perspective.”
H’WOOD: (calming down) “Yeah, well with a barbed wire posts match…I don’t think they’ll end up faring any better considering the personalities involved. Let’s just hope Rook doesn’t have any flashbacks, I don’t want to wrap anyone’s tongue in ice again.”
O’CONNOR: “Interestingly enough for the National Championship Match…this setting will be enough as “PRO-WRES” rules have been declared for the match, meaning the wrestlers may NOT use weapons.”
H’WOOD: “I think the other matches will more than make up for it.”
O’CONNOR: “Certainly in the ONLY match we haven’t covered thus far…and the one that will be happening in the next couple of minutes as our little preview turns into the REAL DEAL! WE GO LIVE! (LOUD ROARS!) LADDER STYLE! (MORE CHEERS!) I don’t know how much Brock Alyas thinks is in that briefcase, I’m not going to trust a man that’s swatted a five-year old’s jumpshot and then waved the back of his hand in his face. But once that briefcase comes down, PROFESSOR TREMENDOUS and BROCK ALYAS will wrestle in a match that has a lot of implications for the FUTURE of New Frontier Wrestling. Two top ten contenders in a SPOTLIGHT match of sorts, possibly a springboard to bigger and better opportunities in the ring.”
H’WOOD: “And it’s the ONLY match I’m split down the middle on, Beanfry! You’ve got a great mind like Tremendous going against the no holds barred freight train of Alyas. Neither care about anyone, but themselves…something I’ve been known to respect every now and then.”
O’CONNOR: “No kidding.”
(MUSICUP: “FREEDOM” (coda) – RATM)
O’CONNOR: “That’s our cue folks! We’re two minutes from the OPENING BELL! Stay tuned!”
(QUICK CUTTO: Behind the FRONTIERtron as it’s shooting red and white fireworks as various revolution propaganda imagery streams in black and white on the surrounding widescreens encircling the whole crowd area. CUTTO: VALERIANS GARDEN stepping up through the guerilla position and plugging their instruments in as the crowd roars! As the opening chords to the Star-Spangled Banner Hendrix-style crackles through a Marshall Stack, the crowd roars as we FADEOUT.)
O’CONNOR: “Well here we are Mr. Hollywood for a match I know we’ve
all been waiting for.”
H’WOOD: “We? Only psychotic bloodounds would have weeks of anticipation
for this grunge match!”
O’CONNOR: “Yeah, well regardless… we have ladies and gentlemen,
a battle for strength, loyalty and most importantly… bragging rights here
at WrestleStock 2. A match up that’s showcased abandon, heart break, worship…
trials and tribulations enroute to a high profile match-up at Viva La Revolution…
WrestleStock 2… we have… the battle between LEGION and ROOK BLACK…
who’ve coincided with LUCI4 and FELIX RED to do battle in a stipulation
match, you’d more commonly see in the hardcorest of the hardcore in Japan…”
H’WOOD: “Listen Beanfry, I don’t know what mango pron you’ve
been downloading on the internet but because we’re blessed with the presence
of FELIX RED tonight, that mugs going to be higher than 10 hippies coming out
here…he’s got that freak MWG hanging around, but in situations like
this…well FELIX RED ceases to fail in matches like this.”
O’CONNOR: “Indeed he does. Any expectations or potential picks for
who gets the upper-hand in this one, Woodman?”
H’WOOD: “You know… I couldn’t tell ya. It’s going
to come down to the battle between LEGION and BLACK… and you better believe
that TERESA Q is going to be watching…maybe SEAN STEVENS as well, but
with the parties involved… I won’t be surprised to see her show
her face in the THUNDERDOME tonight… just to spark some fireworks”
O’CONNOR: “LEGION and ROOK have been through hell and back the past
six months en route to the National Championship around TERESA Q’s waist.
I don’t want to imagine the lengths in which they’d go to for a
shot at that belt but I can guarantee you some barbed wire posts are surely
the perfect stipulation in such a grudge match!”
(SFX: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!)
O’CONNOR: “And we have it here LIVE coming from ESENTV… this
is WRESTLESTOCK 2 AT IT’S FINEST!”
(CUTTO: A bombardment of fireworks EXPLODE over the FRONTIERtron and surrounding
smaller different viewpointed SMOKEscreens – atop it ‘WRESTLESTOCK’
in a rock formation font.)
(MUSICUP: ‘Waiting Room’ – Fugazi)
O’CONNOR: “Start your clocks, strap on in, here we go!”
(CUTTO: ROOK BLACK walking through the curtains without much of an expression. He’s got extra-taped up forearms and hands, but otherwise wearing his standard chess-themed ring gear. He looks backwards over his shoulder as FELIX RED and MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD (MWG) saunter behind him with smug grins on their faceds. MWG is carrying an unlabeled canister and Torch’s old briefcase.)
SIMS: “THIS NEXT MATCH IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL WITH A THIRTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT! It is a tag-team grudge match with LEGION and ROOK BLACK fighting for a chance to wrestle for the National Championship at SUPERCrash 2! It is also a BARRRRRRRRRBED WIRE POSTS MATCH! (LOUD CHEERS! H’WOOD: Sickos!) Introducing the first team already making their way to the ring, accompanied by Fire Porn Enthusiast Lawyer Man, MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD! ROOOOOK BLACK! The former NFW World Champion, FEEEEEEEEELIX REHHHHHHHHHHHD!”
(QUICK CUTTO: The crowd roaring as BLACK, RED and MWG make their way to the THUNDERDOME doors, which are opened for them…as security tries to confiscate MWG’s briefcase to search, it flies open with various papers flying into the crowd and Thunderdome area! Some of them have pellets on them…another has squared, perforated stamps of Alice from Wonderland pictures…vegetable type matter is also rolling around…)
H’WOOD: “Oh dear god…”
(CUTTO: MWG screaming “That was MY 40,000 dollar briefcase of integrity!” QUICK CUTTO: Someone in the crowd looking at the papers, “Peyote! Acid! Mescaline and Mushrooms OH MY!)
H’WOOD: “He’ll be seeing lions, tigers and bears!”
O’CONNOR: “What is going on?”
H’WOOD: “Now, I know why the FBI was here…”
(CUTTO: RED and MWG getting shoved and locked into the dome as BLACK has his head cocked to the side, the crowd freaking out. RED picks up a pellet off the sheet and offers it to BLACK…)
RED: “Want a grilled brain sandwich?”
(SFX: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)
SIMS: “And now their OPPONNNNNNNNNNENTS!”
(MUSICUP: ‘PET’ – A Perfect Circle)
(CUTTO: LEGION walking out in all-black tunic with red/black wrestling pants littered with various different skulls from various cultures…from behind him, LUCI-4’s ring gear matches the color scheme as she helps remove his tunic and toss it into the crowd.)
SIMS: “THHHHHHHHHE DEVIL’S REJEHHHHHHHHHHCTS! LEEEEEEEEEGION AND LUCI-FOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
(FLASH CUTTO’s: A lot of people in the crowd standing up and jeering.
CUTTO: LEGION walking down the ramp and looking at his surroundings shiftily,
a crooked smile on his face. They Dome doors open and they walk inside, surveying
the posts from outside the ring…)
H’WOOD: “Sound that bell and let’s get it on, boy!”
(CUE UP – The pyro wizards sending a lighting bolt crashing at the middle
of the Thunderdome and VOILA… havoc already wreaking.)
O’CONNOR: “LEGION’s wasting no time in this one, Woodman…
he just rushed right at ROOK without giving him a second chance to think over
his strategy this evening… unfortunately a ducked clothesline by the over-anticipator
put LEGION in a world of trouble as he’s stuck between a rock and a barbed
place in ROOK and one of those barbed posts!”
H’WOOD: “Yeah… ROOK knows what’s good for him he’ll
quit that over-thinking shit and just use his instinct to destroy LEGION using
that barbed wire! OOH THERE WE GO BABY!”
O’CONNOR: “Speak of the devil, ROOK uses the barbed wire to his
advantage… stomping mudholes into the stomach of LEGION as his back and
the barbed wire post cause some serious friction… the ring is allready
stained in blood as ROOK lets his opponent fall to the mats in pain!”
H’WOOD: “Aww see what I mean? ROOK backed off! You can’t win
this match wrestling technical, MEAT! You gotta keep going at ‘em! This
is your route to the NATIONAL CHAMPIOSHIP ya dud!”
O’CONNOR: “Oh my god! It looks as if ROOK might’ve heard you,
WOOD as BLACK picks LEGION up by the back of his head and sends him head first
into the opposing turnbuckle!”
H’WOOD: “YEEEEAH BABY! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT!
WHEEL AND DEAL!”
O’CONNOR: “BLACK now is taking his time because LEGION is on his
knees trying his best to make it back to his feet… he’s been roughed
up thus far and I don’t see this match getting any prettier with the ammount
of blood LEGION is continuously losing!”
WHAM!
H’WOOD: “OOOH BABY! I DON’T THINK ROOK NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT
CONDOMS OR BIRTHCONTROL ANYMORE BECAUSE HIS BERRIES JUST GOT JUICED AND I AIN’T
TALKIN ABOUT GRAPE-JUICE!
O’CONNOR: “Wow… you’re really into this aren’t
ya? Well ladies and gentlemen… it was LEGION who just struck BLACK in
the groin if you couldn’t catch the audio. LEGION defenitely taking the
cake in the match-up this far earning himself some time to establish an attack
for the first time in this match. Seems as if the combatants are listening to
you tonight… as LEGION just sent BLACK head first into the turnbuckle
and blood literally shot out of a gash created above ROOK’s left eye,
like a CANNON! LEGION is on a roll as he doesn’t let BLACK soak in his
pain instead lifts him up from the back and… OH MY GAWWWWD!”
H’WOOD: “I think something just squirted into the third row!”
O’CONNOR: “OH MY GAWD! LEGION JUST LIFTED BIG ROOK BLACK OVER HIS
HEAD AND DROPPED HIM STRAIGHT ON HIS NECK WITH ONE OF THE MOST WICKED-ENDING
BACK DROPS IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFW!”
H’WOOD: “Its like when Jesus died only upside down.”
O’CONNOR: “LEGION maintains his attack as BLACK in his dazed form
attempted to make it over to FELIX RED but… that’s no use, he’s
nowhere to be found right now!”
(CUTTO – FELIX RED and MWG peddling mescaline to some fans reaching through
the cage in the front row.)
H’WOOD: “And I’m guessing this is the reenactment of communion?”
O’CONNOR: “Well… ROOK BLACK surely must’ve been desperate
to secure this victory in picking FELIX RED as his partner… I mean, who
better than the sadistic psychopath himself? Unfortunately… FELIX was
out of position and commited a costly error in the advancement of their duo
having an opportunity to take the upper-hand in this one! OH MY GOD! DID I JUST
SEE RED TOSS AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VALIUM?!”
H’WOOD: “Something needs to counteract the mescaline, Beanfry! Act
like you’ve been to the desert before!”
O’CONNOR: “MWG has apparently licked one of those White Rabbit sheets
and is hopping up and down on that Russian broadcast table like an orangutan!
Back in the ring, BLACK is on one knee getting kicked in the head as he’s
trying to battle his way back to his feet… it’s getting personal
in there as LEGION sends him back to the mats with a stiff backhand,”
H’WOOD: “Oh baby! He smacked him harder than your Thursday sex therapist
smacks you!”
O’CONNOR: “Always professional. OH MY GOD! JUST AS BLACK MADE IT
BACK TO HIS FEET, HE DUCKED A BIG-TIME RIGHT HAND AND USED ALL THE MOMENTUM
HE HAD AND PUSHED LEGION HEAD FIRST INTO THE BARBED WIRE! THE WORST PART IS,
LEGION DIDN’T GET OFF OF IT! OH MY GOD! I CAN LITERALLY SEE HIS SKIN STILL
STUCK TO THE BARBED WIRE! OH MY GOD I’M GONNA THROW UP!”
H’WOOD: “You’re bigger than this Beanfry! Be the ball…be
the ball…”
O’CONNOR: “DEAR GOD! LEGION MUST BE IN SERIOUS PAIN BECAUSE HE’S
UNRESPONSIVE AND HE’S LITERALLY STUCK TO THE BARBED WIRE!”
(CUTTO: ROOK BLACK finally tagging in his partner, FELIX RED)
O’CONNOR: “HERE’S FELIX RED! HE’S FINALLY THE OFFICAL
MAN IN THIS MATCH-UP AND I BET WE SEE WHY ROOK BLACK PICKED HIM OF ALL PEOPLE!”
H’WOOD: “OH BABY!”
O’CONNOR: “OOOHH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!”
(CUTTO: THE THUNDERDOME SHAKING FROM THE RABID FANS GOING WILD!)
O’CONNOR: “FELIX RED JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF LEGIONS FACE BEING IN
THE BARBED-WIRE AND WENT FULL STEAM AHEAD… AND DROP KICKED THE BACK OF
HIS HEAD FARTHER INTO THE GARDEN OF WIRE !”
H’WOOD: “Dear Christ. I don’t think I can handle much more
of this…I gotta be the ball…be the ball…”
O’CONNOR: “INDIO IS ROCKING! WE’VE GOT RECOVERING JUNKIES
IN CRACK-LAND! THE HIPPIES ARE IN FUNKY-TOWN! …THE SADISTIC LOOK ON THE
FACE OF FELIX RED… HE’S SOAKING UP THE ANIMOSITY AND YOU CAN BARELY
HEAR ANYTHING OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!”
H’WOOD: “Oh man. Can I look yet? Oh okay…so that’s how
that peels back. Nice, real nice.”
(CUTTO: FELIX RED having to pull, literally… pull LEGION’s face
from off of the wire in which he was stuck to)
H’WOOD: “This reminds me of the time your wife tried to make a meatloaf,
Beanfry.”
O’CONNOR: “FELIX RED now picking LEGION up to his feet, LEGION can
barely stand on his own will… LUCI4 is desperately trying to become the
offical man but FELIX RED whips LEGION away from safety into the opposing ropes
to come back and get the GUTS speared out of him!”
H’WOOD: “OH MAN… that might be the most careful move you’ll
see outta RED, tonight ladies,”
O’CONNOR: “FELIX doesn’t stop there… he is stomping
the back of LEGIONs head…”
H’WOOD: “I think I still see some of Legion’s teeth in his
mouth, Felix missed a spot…”
O’CONNOR: “I think you may be right, LAMONT. FELIX RED is stomping
away at LEGION with reckless abandon!”
H’WOOD: “The LAPD would be proud, I sure am.”
O’CONNOR: “FINALLY LEGION shows us he’s still alive and makes
it to his feet on his own will… and it looks like FELIX RED is waiting
for him to set-up a super kick!”
H’WOOD: “OH BABY, HIGH RISK!”
(CUTTO: RED’S CROTCH STUCK TO BARBED WIRE.)
O’CONNOR: “OH MYY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!”
H’WOOD: “I’d look away, Beanfry…but I think that’s
the first ever crotchshot I’ve ever seen of THIS kind…and well,
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.”
O’CONNOR: “Ladies and gentlemen, FELIX RED just attempted to do
LEGION over with a super-kick to the chin that was wisely ducked at the last
minute and RED’s momentum sent him into the corner and he’s now
fighting and fidgeting with the barbed wire to get it unstuck from his Johnson!”
H’WOOD: “Felix Red has never, ever looked this scared in his life!
At least we know his SOFT SPOT!”
O’CONNOR: “LEGION didn’t take a break either… as ROOK
BLACK is stunned at the mess FELIX RED got himself involved in, LEGION caught
ROOK with a right across the jaw, sending him off the canvas.”
H’WOOD: “Now what would spray out if…”
O’CONNOR: “LAMONT! LEGION’s taking his anger and frustration
from earlier in the match out on FELIX RED now as he’s sending the nearly
castrated RED into the opposing ropes to come back and receive a… OH MY
GOD!”
H’WOOD: “Now, we’re getting the accurate death of Jeebus!
Now, we’re seeing some showmanship!”
O’CONNOR: “LEGION JUST SPINEBUSTERED FELIX RED INTO THE BARBEDWIRE!
BOTH MEN ARE SLUMPED IN THE CORNER!”
H’WOOD: “Haha! LUCI4 found his way into this match for the first
time by slapping an unconscious LEGION hand! She’s wasting no time hammering
away at the back of the head of RED! This has turned into a bloodbath!”
O’CONNOR: “DEAR GOD! Somebody has to do something about this, it’ll
be a LONG time before we see any of these wrestlers in action here tonight!
It looks as if ROOK BLACK’s seen enough because he wisely tags RED’s
hand to get into this match up and ladies and gentlemen, the over-analytical
assassin is not playing games off the get-go. LUCI4 attempted to strike him
with a couple overhands that look as if they were just EATEN by ROOK BLACK!”
H’WOOD: “Oh shit! There it is!”
WHAM!
O’CONNOR: “THE GAUNTLET BACKHAND!”
H’WOOD: “ROOK BLACK’s deadly reverse chokeslam raises the
hairs on my arms, CONN. Especially because of the force behind him sending his
opponent’s to the mats… LUCI4 is down and out for the time being
but I don’t see the big man letting him rest too long,”
O’CONNOR: “Not a chance.”
(CUTTO: Insurgent security grabbing MWG and trying to suppress him from inciting any more rampant behavior at ringside! CUTTO: Back in the ring, BLACK dropping on LUCI-4 but LEGION dives in with an elbow to break it up!)
O’CONNOR: “We’ve lost essentially all control and nearly everyone’s blood! Legion and Luci-4 bringing up Rook to his feet, double boot to the gut! DDT—NO! ROOK PUSHES THEM BACK! (loud groans!) INTO THE POSTS! Luci-4 gets a taste of the wire in her spine, Rook now kicking away at the both of them…he’s stumbling away, certainly weary and at a loss of blood!”
H’WOOD: “This match has been gruesome. Felix is off the apron (LOUD CHEERS!) He’s fighting the security! We’ve got a pier-six brawl now going on…and I don’t think MWG is in a good state of mind…”
O’CONNOR: “Legion staggering out to the middle of the ring, Rook hooks him around the waist! (groans!) Inverted Atomic Drop and Legion’s bow-legged in the ring! Rook off the ropes and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) RUNNING LARIAT BY BLACK! That spun Legion out of his boots, but look out for LUCI IN THE SKYYYYYYYYY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SPINNING HEADSCISSOR TAKEDOWN OFF THE TOP ROPE!”
(CUTTO: MWG grabbing his unmarked canister, while standing up and unzipping his pants…the places the canister in a phallic position, presses a button which IGNITES IT INTO A FLAME! Insurgents dodge out of the way, while Felix grabs a chair to beat off a few with some thwacks!)
H’WOOD: “Well…about fifteen minutes into this show, I can honestly say that even with a flaming canister possibly about to first-degree burn innocent civilians…that I think we’re par for the course on where I thought we’d be at this point in the show…”
O’CONNOR: “Not to mention its coming out of his pants…”
H’WOOD: “That was taken into account for.”
O’CONNOR: (over BOOS!) “Oh wow, security is pushing Felix and MWG out of the cage! (SFX: WHOOSH!) OH MAN! They blasted them with the extinguishers! MWG and Felix are staggering around blinded, why are they only going after these two individuals!? We’ve got psychos EVERYWHERE!”
H’WOOD: “Not all of them have openly opposed EL PRESIDENTE, Beansprout!”
O’CONNOR: “Rook’s in a world of trouble inside the ring, this is complete insanity as Legion leaned against the barbed wire in the turnbuckles….Here comes LUCI! OHHHHH! (groans!) LEAPING BACK ELBOW! Oof! Kitchen sink knee by Legion right after that! Legion grabs Rook has him up…GOURDBUSTER ONTO THE BARBED WIRE!”
(CUTTO: Felix and MWG kicking back at the Insurgents trying to push them out of the cage! MWG now using the canister as a weapon! QUICK CUTTO: Inside the ring, LEGION nailing ROOK with the curbstomp in the ring!)
O’CONNOR: “Legion just crushed Rook in the head with his boot out of that leglock! That’s knocked out people’s teeth in other matches! He rolls over Rook and covers! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRNO! (LOUD ROARS!) ROOK KICKED OUT! The referee has thrown the rulebook out of the window and now Rook Black is fighting on his own!”
H’WOOD: “I wouldn’t exactly call this fighting on his own!”
O’CONNOR: (over loud screams!) “STUFF PILEDRIVER! THAT HAS TO BE IT! (LOUD THWACK!) MWG JUST HIT A SECURITY MAN WITH THAT CANISTER! ROOK’S COVERED IN THE RING! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NOOOOOOOO! He kicked out AGAIN!”
(CUTTO: The crowd roaring as a man in a flowing black robe starts charging down the entrance ramp in full-sprint mode! He’s wearing a black mask with a golden “U” stitched around his face on the front…and as his robe flies off, he’s got a black singlet with the same exact logo…and a gavel in his right hand, no less!)
H’WOOD: “Who the hell is this!!?”
O’CONNOR: “I think…I think that’s the UBER JUDGE!”
H’WOOD: “Who!?”
O’CONNOR: “He wrestled one match in NFW, against Professor Tremendous on a house show...I have no idea about what’s going on!”
(CUTTO: The cage door opening as the Insurgents drag out MWG clutching his canister…just as they try getting Felix out, UBER JUDGE barrels into everyone! He manages to stay on his feet, but leaves a scrum trying to keep MWG from getting up…FELIX watches suspiciously as the JUDGE slides in the ring!)
O’CONNOR: “What in sam’s hell is going on, Woodman!?”
H’WOOD: “I haven’t figured out these freaks since they got here!”
O’CONNOR: “Luci instinctively charges him – OH! (LOUD SCREAMS!) SHE JUST TOOK A GAVEL SHOT TO HER HEAD! She’s bleeding, she’s twitching!”
H’WOOD: “Holy Clarence Thomas!”
O’CONNOR: “Gavel to the gut of Legion! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD SHOCK!) ...UBER JUDGE JUST HIT THE GAUNTLET THROWDOWN ON LEGION! WHAT THE HELL!? THAT’S ROOK’S FINISHER!?”
H’WOOD: “Ok, my brain is OFFICIALLY breaking!”
(CLOSEUP: The UBER JUDGE helping up ROOK to a seated position, the bleeding BLACK looks at him dizzily…)
BLACK: "Who are you?"
UJ: "I am myself, and that's that. But that's not the right question, son."
BLACK: "Then - who am I?"
UJ: "You're your choices and your experiences but not-"
BLACK: "But not my memories."
UJ: "Exactly. In fact, those are- Uh oh."
(UBER JUDGE sees Insurgents rushing the ring, he makes a motion to tap his mask at ROOK as he escapes…finally, ROOK collapses onto LUCI-4 who’s still twitching from the double-handed McGwire Bash Brother Gavel Shot to the head…)
O’CONNOR: “Rook’s got the pin! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (slight pause) THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE GOT IT! (SFX: BELL RINGS! CROWD ROARS!) ROOK WINS! ROOK WINS!”
(CUTTO: The UBER JUDGE running back down the ramp, FELIX RED eyeballing him suspiciously and deciding to follow him, instead of helping out MWG who’s being handcuffed by Insurgent security!)
O’CONNOR: “ROOK BLACK GOT THE PIN! HE’S GETTING A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SHOT AT SUPERCRASH 2! (LOUD CHEERS!) I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!! Wait…we’ve got cameramen following backstage, where Uber Judge is being chased by Felix Red!”
(QUICK CUTTO: Insurgent Security running past the scene, a few hallways down…the UBER JUDGE peeking around the corner with a smile.)
V/O: “Who are you?”
(CUTTO: A full-length hallway shot…on the left side stands the UBER JUDGE, he turns around slowly to face on the opposite right side…FELIX RED.)
UBER JUDGE: “Does it matter?”
RED: “Only when I’ve been deceived.”
(There is a short silence.)
UBER JUDGE unlaces the back of his mask.)
UBER JUDGE: "You have a point. I won't lie to you."
(The camera frustratingly pans to only FELIX denying the audience the reveal.)
FELIX RED: "Huh. By process of elimination, it could only have been you, which is also impossible."
UBER JUDGE: "Merely implausible, not impossible."
(Both men walk in opposite directions…as the scene slowly decides to FADETOBLACK.)
(April 20 2AM)
Let met tell you a story of whisky and mystics.
It was late, and I couldn’t sleep. Late is an understatement. The bands went off the stage at 2 AM and there was no noise whatsoever coming from that direction. There were plenty of people milling about, but there was no music and no crew taking anything off the stage. They were long since finished.
I didn’t feel like digging through Rosie’s bag for her telephone to see what time it was. What matters most, I reminded myself, as I opened the tent zipper and pulled up the zipper on my hooded sweatshirt, was that it was really dark out, really quiet out, and somewhat chilly out.
And I had plenty of time to think about the videos I’d shot while hanging out with the fans. It was a lot of fun. Being a masked wrestler, and one that’s not well known, I enjoy a level of anonymity that few do.
But since this is the first major show I’ve ever wrestled on, doubts and second guesses are swirling around like smoke around a drum circle. Did I say enough? Too much? The wrong thing? Not enough of the right thing?
I thought, maybe a walk will clear my head. There was a faint flicker of a fire on the outskirts past the stage. It’s not in the roped off area for the bands or the wrestlers or the crew. It’s inside where the all – access – only area would be if it reached that far, but it’s way, way in the back.
Good a place as any, I guess. I’ll do a lap, say hello to the night owls, and hit the sack.
Of course, I assumed there were a bunch of night owls, passing around a flask, or a joint, or a guitar, or a drum, just because they were in the middle of the desert. I thought about the TV Title match the entire way to the fire. Because it was the most pressing thing on my mind, of course.
As I got closer, I saw there was a man and a woman sitting alone at the fire. They were passing around a cup of something. He looked like he belonged here, she looked like she just stepped out of the club.
Impulse, right, asked the man.
That’s when I recognized both of them, and I forgot my name for a second.
Yeah, you can call me that, I told him. How did you know?
She raised her hand. I won’t tell, she said, I promise.
What are you doing here? I asked.
Sit down, she said. I did. She passed me the cup, and I took a sip.
What is it, I asked.
Peyote, he answered, and whisky.
Can’t sleep, she asked, I’m not surprised. Nerves, right?
Right.
Why?
First big pay per view. How would you handle this?
You did fine, he replied. This is a cutthroat business in general, a cutthroat promotion in particular. The only thing you need worry about is finding the blade before it finds your neck. You'll come around on slicing with your own blade...if you want to badly enough.
Thanks, I said, that means a lot.
Do you hear that, she asked. I listened, but all I heard was the crackling of the fire.
That’s the sound of a million people on the cusp of a defining moment in their life. Some of them doubt themselves, some of them are so full of themselves it borders on arrogance. But you have one thing in common with all of them.
I waited, interested.
You’re going to succeed or fail, he continued for her, based on how hard you fight and how much you want it.
I nodded. These two weren’t really the type you disagree with, and I agreed with them.
Rosie probably misses you, she said.
I said I didn’t think she even moved when I got up.
Then get back to the damn tent before she notices, she said.
Now, I don’t remember getting up or walking back to the tent. What I do remember is that I woke up just after dawn. Me and Rosie packed up the tent and stuff midmorning, and headed back here for the pre – show stuff.
I looked around for the bonfire but there wasn’t a trace.
Did I dream the entire thing? Was that why they knew who I was?
No. I’d never met him before. But I knew him.
They seemed attuned to their surroundings, as if they were part of the desert itself and not just visiting for a huge party. And I liked the fact that they welcomed me into their circle.
If it happened.
No. It happened. Whether in the real world or in a dream, it happened.
Armed with my wits and mystics, I think I’m ready.
And with a bit of whisky and a bit of luck, I think I’ll prosper.
(SFX: DING DING DING!)
SIMS: This next contest is tonight’s LADDER MATCH!
(SFX: Fans cheer at the sight of the lowered hook next to Lee – Baby, and the ladder on the floor, opposite the aisle.)
O’CONNOR: This one isn’t for a title, Lamont… but forty thousand dollars, which can be just as sweet in different ways.
H’WOOD: Who’s to say? Besides, I hear there’s not forty thousand dollars in there.
O’CONNOR: Oh?
H’WOOD: I have unconfirmed reports that Professor T bought a cheeseburger and some stamps. Besides, this is his money, he shouldn’t have to put it up like this!
“She blinded me with science…”
SIMS: INTRODUCING FIRST…
(SFX: HUGE explosion of pyro all around the entranceway, and the fans rose to their feet)
“She blinded me with science…”
SIMS: From West Newton, Massachusetts… weighing in at two hundred, twenty two pounds…
“And hit me with technology…”
SIMS: The EX-TREEEEEEEEEEM TECH-NI-SHUN… PROFESSOR TREEEEEEMENDOUS!!!!!
(CUTTO: Pyro continued all the way up to the ring, shooting off simultaneous rockets on either side of the aisle, and back to the entranceway.)
“FFFFFUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK SSSSSSOOOOOOOUUUUUULLLLLLL BBBBRRRROOOOOTTTTTTTHHHHEEEEERRRRR……”
(SFX: TWO huge explosions on either side of the entranceway, and Professor Tremendous walked out with his head held high. In his right hand was the steel briefcase, attached to his wrist with a thick set of handcuffs.)
O’CONNOR: Tremendous is taking no chances on his way to the ring, he’s keeping that briefcase as close to himself as he can.
H’WOOD: Again, it’s his money!
O’CONNOR: But it’s on the line in this match! Don’t you think he needs to let it go?
H’WOOD: … I don’t follow.
SIMS: And his opponent…
“Right now… right now… right now, it’s time to…”
(SFX: Twin jest of flame shot out from either side of the entranceway. CUTTO: the ring, where Professor T hugged the briefcase to his chest)
“KICK OUT THE JAMS, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”
SIMS: From DEEEETROIT, MICHIGAN, weighing in at TWO HUNDRED and SEVENTY-FIIIIVE POUNDS… BROCK AAAAALLLYYYYYASSSSSSS!
(CUTTO: Split screen, Alyas on his way to the ring with a determined look on his face, and Professor Tremendous in the ring, arguing with the referee over whether or not to give up the key to the handcuffs.)
O’CONNOR: This match can end on a pinfall or a submission, but not until the briefcase is retrieved from its perch!
H’WOOD: That throws an interesting twist into things, Beanfry. Usually you don’t want your opponent to get the prize at the top of the ladder, but in this case, the smart man will let his opponent climb up and get it, and then disengage Brock with a truly Tremendous scheme while he’s still up top.
O’CONNOR: I take it you’ve made your selection?
H’WOOD: You’re darn tootin.
O’CONNOR: Brock has hit the ring, and this man is all business tonight! He’s pacing back and forth, waiting for the referee to get out of the way so he can start his match. BROCK JUST CRUSHED THE REFEREE AGAINST PROFESSOR T IN THE CORNER!
H’WOOD: He’d be DQ’d if there was such a thing here.
O’CONNOR: Alyas was tired of Tremendous’ stalling, and he’s got that briefcase! Tremendous begging him off… are you kidding me?
H’WOOD: Why not? It’s his money!
O’CONNOR: Professor T just told Brock Alyas that he didn’t have the key to the briefcase on him? Bad move, T! Brock just grabbed the handle of that case, and pulled him in – BASEBALL SWING just took his head off! He picked up Tremendous by the briefcase again… whip into the ropes, and a shoulderblock just put him back down!
H’WOOD: Has the match even started?
O’CONNOR: I don’t know if we’ve got an official start, but it doesn’t look like Alyas much cares!
H’WOOD: … Just checking.
O’CONNOR: Another scoop, and a hard bodyslam! Alyas with the boots to him! Another demand for the key!
H’WOOD: He doesn’t have the key!
O’CONNOR: Professor Tremendous crawling under the bottom rope… Alyas with a foot on the handcuff chain! Tremendous looks like he’d rather be anywhere else!
H’WOOD: Wouldn’t you, with this peon trying to take your money?
O’CONNOR: Alyas just dragged Tremendous back into the ring by the briefcase, and a whip into the ropes… SPINEBUSTER! Alyas to his feet, and he’s pacing the ring like a caged dog!
H’WOOD: Oh no… he just saw the ladder.
O’CONNOR: That’s correct, Lamont! It’s been a moot point since that hook is still dangerously hanging in the ring without a briefcase on it, but there is a ladder outside the ring, and it is in play! Alyas to the outside, and he’s folded it up and brought it in! Tremendous is just barely composing himself after the full frontal onslaught he just endured, but he’d better get to it quickly!
H’WOOD: Full frontal?
O’CONNOR: No, you didn’t miss anything.
H’WOOD: Don’t do that!
O’CONNOR: Brock with that ladder, locked and cocked! Lunge! NO! Tremendous grabbed a step with his left hand and deflected it, and a briefcase shot to Brock’s ribs with his right!
H’WOOD: There ya go!
O’CONNOR: Tremendous, for the first time in this match, taking advantage of the weapon chained to him! Another briefcase shot to Brock’s back, and a spinning heel kick! Another!
H’WOOD: Pop Quiz time, Brock! Who’s got the metal?
O’CONNOR: A fourth kick, and a fifth! Alyas rolls towards the corner to get away, and Tremendous with a running start… SPLASH WITH THE BRIEFCASE! NO! Alyas dropped from the corner! The briefcase ricocheted into the Professor’s forehead! Tremendous is out on his feet!
H’WOOD: Now he’s stepped in it.
O’CONNOR: Brock just pulled himself up… and a cover! NO! The referee pointing towards the ladder, and the hook, and the briefcase! The match cannot end with a pinfall until someone has retrieved the briefcase from the hook!
H’WOOD: So what now? The briefcase was never on the hook! Er… Beanfry? I don’t like the look on Brock’s face.
O’CONNOR: I don’t think Tremendous would like it either, if he could see it! Brock just picked Tremendous up – he’s too dazed to fight back right now – and carried him to the center of the ring!
(CUTTO: Handheld camera in the ring.)
ALYAS: WHERE’S THE KEY!
TREMENDOUS (Distantly): …Ain’t no key…
O’CONNOR: BROCK WITH ANOTHER PUNCH TO THE HEAD! WHAT’S HE DOING!
H’WOOD: This doesn’t count!
O’CONNOR: Brock Alyas just looped the handle of the briefcase around the hook on a wire! This match has officially begun!
H’WOOD: But what’s the call here, Beanfry? The thing was never… oh dear lord.
O’CONNOR: PROFESSOR TREMENDOUS IS RISING IN THE AIR! SOMEONE STOP THIS! The briefcase is still attached to Professor T’s wrist, but the handle is steadily rising! Who could be doing this?
H’WOOD: In this company? With these bosses? Miles and Mayfield probably put the right to push the button up in a poker game.
(SFX: Huge fan explosion as the briefcase keeps going up)
H’WOOD: … and they probably won.
O’CONNOR: That’d explain the intern streaking.
H’WOOD: I was wondering.
O’CONNOR: Tremendous looks like he’s waking up fast! And he’d better move quickly, the briefcase is about seven feet in the air, he’s nearly off his feet!
H’WOOD: And nearly becomes completely.
O’CONNOR: He’s wisely grabbed hold of the briefcase handle with his right hand, that’ll at least keep him from losing all feeling in his hand until he figures… what’s he doing now?
H’WOOD: Never go into a match without a backup plan! That’s absolutely TREMENDOUS!
O’CONNOR: HE HAD THE KEY ALL ALONG! Brock is furious!
H’WOOD: He always looks like that.
O’CONNOR: But now, it’s Tremendous hanging on a pole over the equivalent of a shark tank! He stays up there, he’s on a ticking clock! He comes down, he has to deal with Brock! Not to mention, he has to figure out how to land!
H’WOOD: He’s a tremendous lander.
O’CONNOR: You made that word up.
H’WOOD: So?
O’CONNOR: Tremendous struggling with the lock… he’s got to be thinking about all the possibilities. He unhooks his wrist, he’s completely unencumbered, but if he unlocks the briefcase, he’s still got a piece of metal he can use as a weapon.
H’WOOD: Decisions, decisions…
O’CONNOR: He’d better decide fast! Brock has that ladder set up, and he’s only going to wait for nature to take its course for so long before he’ll make the decision for him!
H’WOOD: Don’t rush greatness!
O’CONNOR: Tremendous—NO!
(CUTTO: Split screen, one side with the replay. A twinkle of metal falling from the briefcase to the mat, as the key slipped out of Professor T’s grip. He looked down at the falling key. Brock looked down at the falling key. The referee looked down at the falling key.
Somewhere, off in the distance, a wolf howled.)
H’WOOD: Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. I don’t like the look on Brock’s face.
O’CONNOR: Alyas has a sinister grin on his face, as he climbs to the second highest step on that ladder! Tremendous with both hands on the briefcase handle now, and he’s swinging back and forth!
H’WOOD: He’s only got one shot at this.
O’CONNOR: Which?
H’WOOD: Both.
O’CONNOR: Brock Alyas is poised on top of that ladder, waiting for his spot… and Professor Tremendous is hanging like a fish on a hook from a pair of handcuffs attached to a briefcase, swinging back and forth, trying to get enough momentum to reach him!
(CROWD: “A-LEE-AS” alternated with “TREE-MEN-DOUS!” over and over again)
H’WOOD: Powers T, don’t let us down!
O’CONNOR: BROCK WITH A LEAP OF FAITH! HE GRABBED HOLD OF TREMENDOUS AROUND THE WAIST! PROFESSOR T IS IN REAL TROUBLE NOW!
H’WOOD: How strong are those cuffs?
O’CONNOR: Professor T’s grip on that briefcase handle is the only thing keeping both men off the mat right now! But how long can he hold on, with Brock’s near three hundred pounds pulling him down?
H’WOOD: He can’t take it off that way!
O’CONNOR: I don’t think Brock’s plan right now is to remove the briefcase, but this may be one of the most innovative ways to wear Professor T down that anyone could have thought of tonight! TREMENDOUS WITH A THUMB IN THE EYE!
H’WOOD: You were saying?
O’CONNOR: His muscles have to be screaming for mercy right now, Lamont – this is a desperation move! BROCK LOST HIS GRIP! HE CRUMBLES TO THE MAT!
H’WOOD: Remember what I said about one shot, Beanfry? It still applies.
O’CONNOR: Tremendous with pain etched on his face, he makes one last reach upwards… HE UNHOOKED THE BRIEFCASE! TREMENDOUS FALLS! He landed just as hard as Brock!
H’WOOD: NOT QUITE! He drove that briefcase into Brocks’ chest!
O’CONNOR: THE COVER!!! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! KICKOUT!
H’WOOD: These things apply now, I see.
O’CONNOR: The referee finally retrieves the key, and he’s unlocked Professor Tremendous from the briefcase! But at what a cost?
H’WOOD: What a waste. At least give ‘em to the stoned hippies… they’ve got this trick with a hot dog and a pair of jumper cables…
O’CONNOR: Stop it, Lamont. Brock is still unmoving, he may have used up all his energy with that kickout attempt, but Professor T is slowly getting to his feet!
H’WOOD: Of course he is. Do you know why?
O’CONNOR: Why?
H’WOOD: Because he’s Tremendous!
O’CONNOR: I think, after that last sequence, I might have to agree with you! Professor Tremendous has the ladder in the middle of the ring, and he’s climbing to the top! Brock hasn’t moved yet! If Tremendous lands this… whatever he’s planning, a legdrop, a splash, an elbow, a fist… that’s all she wrote!
H’WOOD: Of course it is. Do you know why?
O’CONNOR: … Because he’s Tremendous.
H’WOOD: EXACTLY!
O’CONNOR: Professor T is straddling the top step, and he’s got his arms raised to the fans all around the arena! And I’d say a good number are cheering the efforts he’s put forth tonight!
H’WOOD: Apparently you CAN teach the unwashed masses new tricks.
O’CONNOR: Whatever he’s planning, he’d better make it fast – Brock has just raised his hands to his face, he looks like he’s stirring!
H’WOOD: He’ll wait for it like everyone else.
O’CONNOR: BROCK JUST ROLLED TO THE SIDE AND SHOULDER BUTTED THE LADDER! PROFESSOR T JUST FELL FORWARD! HE HIT THE MAT HARD!
H’WOOD: NO!
O’CONNOR: Brock with the briefcase… HE TATTOOED HIM ACROSS THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! COVER, ONE… TWO… THREE!
H’WOOD: NOOOO!!!!!
O’CONNOR: Brock Alyas just pinned Professor Tremendous after… what I can only call a very unorthodox ladder match! But the fact remains, Brock Alyas has just earned the contents of that briefcase!
(CUTTO: ALYAS staggering out of the ring, clutching the briefcase as the referees tend to TREMENDOUS in the ring…)
O’CONNOR: “Alyas heading backstage, hopefully we’ll find out just how much was in that briefcase…”
H’WOOD: “Maybe I can hitch a ride with him to Vegas out of this denizen of debauchery.”
O’CONNOR: “Let’s take it backstage with ‘JUST’ MARK…”
(FADEOUT)
(FADEIN: Somewhere in the massive backstage area, ‘JUST’ MARK is walking and looking back at the camera…)
MARK: “C’mon man, hurry up! Maybe you should stop eating so many cheeseburgers and do the South Beach Diet like myself…Alyas should be around the corner, so we can try and get him to open the case.”
CAMERAMAN: “Yeah, we know how much you like greased up Latino men…”
(MARK looks back in a doubletake, but suddenly gets knocked over by walking into BROCK ALYAS! The crowd roars in approval as the impact sends the briefcase flying out of the weary ALYAS’ hands. As it lands on the floor, it magically pops open…with Monopoly money flying around everywhere – the crowd starts laughing/cheering as ALYAS lets out a huge scream of frustration! MARK tries scurrying out of the picture, but crabwalks into two men standing in back of him! Slowly, the picture pans up and reveals THE SUICIDE KINGS to crowd roars!)
O’CONNOR: (V/O) “ITS TSUNAMI and DC STRATTON! They’re on the way to facing the Hollywood Wrecking Crew for the Everette Memorial Titles!”
(CUTTO: ALYAS surveying the situation, turns around and levels a stagehand with a clothesline that flips him out, papers flying everywhere! The crowd marks out as the camera briefly follows ALYAS as another stagehand turns the corner, but gets wrapped around the waist and flipped out with a release belly to belly suplex! The crowd flips out as the worker skids across the floor!)
O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Dear God! Brock Alyas might be injuring innocent civilians!”
(The camera pans back to TSUNAMI laughing heartily and pointing at what ALYAS has done, STRATTON shakes his head solemnly…his hair draping in front of his face.)
H’WOOD: (V/O) “I’m all for injuring innocent civilians, but why didn’t he just take out my son’s opponents instead!?”
(‘Just’ MARK stands up bug-eyed, brushing himself off and then grabbing his mic.)
MARK: “Well, I guess I can interview you two…”
(MARK fixes his hair then shows his teeth to TSUNAMI who stops laughing.)
MARK: “Anything in them?”
TSUNAMI: “DANGERMAN!!!!! DANGERMANNNNN!”
MARK: “Right, I look dangerously handsome. Anyway, do you two have any thoughts on the Hollywood Wrecking Crew be—(MARK’s eyes suddenly and somehow get wider!) be-be-be-because…”
(TSUNAMI and STRATTON look weirdly at MARK then each other.)
MARK: “Because they’re right behind you!”
(MARK leaps out of the fray as TSUNAMI turns around into a vicious Spinebuster from MALIK ANDERSON! STRATTON gets crowned with a vicious chairshot from BLAINE HOLLYWOOD – the crowd’s screaming in shock!)
O’CONNOR: “SPIIIIIIIIINEBUSTAH! Chairshots! What’s going on!?”
H’WOOD: “YESYESYES! VENGEANCE IS OURSSSSSSSS!”
O’CONNOR: “Settle down Woodman! This can’t be happening! The Hollywood Wrecking Crew have attacked their title challengers before their match! Tsunami’s not moving! Stratton’s trying to crawl away from Blaine! (THWACK! THWACK! Crowd groans!) THIS IS UNCONSCIONABLE!”
H’WOOD: “THIS IS GENUIUS.”
(The cameraman catches CALVIN CARLTON running into the scene, shouting down at the fallen TSUNAMI…he’s holding his trusty tennis racket as well as a duffel bag he slings to Blaine. CARLTON motions for Malik to pick up STRATTON, which he does in and pulls him into a front facelock…)
O’CONNOR: “CALVIN’S GOT THE RACKET UP! (POW!) OHHHHHHH! (WHAP!) OHHHHHHHH! He’s blasting Stratton across the back! Tsunami is somewhere in the middle of next week on the ground as his partner’s getting hammered by Calvin and that racket!”
(CLOSEUP: The crowd starts buzzing as BLAINE pulls out metal-plated kneepads out of the duffel bag!)
H’WOOD: “Oh, I’m frothing at the mouth Beanfry! Someone get me some popcorn down here, this match is going great!”
O’CONNOR: “This isn’t a match, its an attack…and what are those metal things that Blaine’s strapping to his knees!? (crowd gets loud!) Oh no…Malik just shoved Stratton backwards into Blaine – NOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS!) THAT’S ENTERTAINNNNMENT! WITH THOSE METAL PLATED KNEEPADS! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD!”
(CUTTO: STRATTON rolling around the ground and screaming! CARLTON is about to plaster him with another tennis racket shot, but all of a sudden the NFW Insurgent Patrol comes running into the scene yelling!)
CARLTON: “We gotta go! We gotta go!”
(MUSICUP: ‘Fantasy Island’ theme song.)
O’CONNOR: “What the deuce?”
(CUTTO: A purple/gold helicopter lowering past the production truck area! CALVIN points his racket towards it and starts running faster, even though the HWC roll by him in a cloud of dust…)
CARLTON: (waving forward) “Its here! Its here!”
(CUTTO: THE HWC jumping onto the ladder rope provided from the chopper, climbing up it. BLAINE turns around as the chopper lifts, giving the cameras a Ricardo Montaban kiss-off and wave…)
O’CONNOR: “…am I really seeing this?”
H’WOOD: “Wow, Calvin really does have access to Kobe’s chopper!”
(The scene FADES OUT with CARLTON holding on for dear life, the crowd in shock as the helicopter lifts away.)
(FADEIN: Back to the ringside area, where KERRY O’CONNOR looks bewildered as LAMONT HOLLYWOOD couldn’t possibly smile any wider.)
O’CONNOR: Fans, we’ve just been told that not only have the Hollywood Wrecking Crew LEFT the premises (LOUD BOOS!) but DC Stratton had to be STRETCHERED to the medical tents. There’s a very good chance that’s he’s suffered an injury to his back at the hands of Blaine Hollywood!
H’WOOD: Tonight’s about REVENGE and RESPECT, Beanfry! That situation was no different…there was no way in hell that my son or Calvin Carlton would EVER subject themselves to a wrestling atmosphere like tonight…and there was no way that Malik Anderson and Blaine Hollywood wouldn’t return the favor of Calvin almost getting BLINDED.
(CUE: "You Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West as the lights dimmed and the crowd cheered throughout the opening sequence of the song.)
"I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny ... and, what I do? Act more stupidly."
O'CONNOR: Either way, that now means it's time now for our National Championship match! (LOUD CHEERS!) Here comes the challenger, "The Blue-Eyed Badass" Sean Stevens!
(Fireworks explode as the curtain parts and "Triple X" Sean Stevens walks through, with his hair soaking wet, clad in a 100% cotton, "Blue-Eyed Badass" t-shirt, black tights, with neon blue X's on the legs and rear. Sean pauses at the top of the ramp, giving the audience the once over, then thrusts his arms in the air before continuing his walk down to the ring. Once at ringside, Sean points in the direction of a few of the members in the audience with signs promoting one of his many nicknames, before entering the ring, and hoping on the nearest turnbuckle, as his theme comes to an end.)
O'CONNOR: I think you're going to see Sean Stevens use his size and strength advantage quite often in this match.
H'Wood: You think? Honestly, what does it take to be a play by play man these days? A pulse?
(CUE: "Clarissa" by Mindless Self-Indulgence. Teresa Quaranta walks through the curtain to cheers, the National Championship strapped around her waist. She slaps five with fans on her way, but she looks very determined tonight, not her usual overtly fan-friendly self. She climbs the turnbuckle after walking in, and backflips off. She hands the title belt off to the referee, who holds it up over his head in mid-ring to signify that it is indeed on the line tonight.)
H'WOOD: I'm pumped for this match.
O'CONNOR: Really?
H'WOOD: Yeah, I'm thinking there's a good chance for a wardrobe malfunction.
(STEVENS and QUARANTA meet in mid-ring, eyes locked in a cold stare. STEVENS motions to the belt being held at ringside and smiles, prompting QUARANTA to reach back and smack the taste out of his mouth!)
O’CONNOR: And we’re off! (SFX: Bell ring!) Stevens fires back with a slap of his own, but Teresa blocks it and kicks him in the gut, following the strike quickly with a spinning back fist that knocks him back a step. She connects with a well-placed dropkick that sends XXX out through the middle and top rope and all the way to the floor!
(CUTTO: the crowd roaring in approval.)
H'WOOD: She's a better striker than Stevens is, and he has to realize that. He can't allow himself to fall into the trap that other male competitors have when wrestling her.
O'CONNOR: What trap would that be partner?
H'WOOD: She hits like a truck!
O’CONNOR: Stevens gathers himself on the outside, rolling in at the count of seven after catching his breath. He initiates a lock up, and Teresa tries to use her speed to get behind him but finds herself being quickly taken to the mat with a side headlock takeover. Springing to her feet, she locks up with Sean again, only this time he’s driven hard to the mat with a hiptoss. Triple-X waits for her to rise, and he baffles her again, locking her up and slamming her with a double leg takedown. Teresa’s lying on the mat, clutching at her back in pain, STEVENS stands over her…shrugging her off and then a stomp!. That sounded like it popped her head! Interesting start to the match, Hollywood, both wrestlers have highlighted their strengths and exposed their opponent's weaknesses early.
H'WOOD: And that's the most important step in winning a match. See, you're learning, O'Connor! Maybe one day I won’t fall asleep listening to you yammer on…
(QUARANTA gets up to her feet, and approches STEVENS cautiously. When he goes to lock up once again, she chops him across the chest, making a smack that pierces through the sunbaked air.)
H'WOOD: That sounded like a rough night in Singapore.
O'CONNOR: What does that even MEAN?
H’WOOD: Ask your wife. She invented the septuplet Singapore finger cuff position.
O’CONNOR: Stevens clutching at his chest and goes to chop back but is caught with a jab to the neck. Teresa sees an opening and connects with a step-up enziguiri that brings him to the mat! She tries to follow with a standing moonsault, but lands across his knees! (crowd groans!) He mounts her (H’WOOD: giggity) and tries to apply a keylock submission that she's able to wriggle free from before he locks his hands together… Teresa now BEHIND him…(crowd buzz) she attempts a submission of her own and grabs his neck to apply a dragon sleeper! NO! Stevens grabs her hair and flips her over onto her back. Slapping on a rear wristlock, he brings her back to her feet and scoops her up for a Belly to Back Suplex, and that sends her crashing to the mat with the weight on top of her arm.”
H’WOOD: Well, how she’s gonna jack of—
O’CONNOR: Shh. Without missing a beat, Teresa gets up, shaking her arm out, and throws a low kick that stops Stevens in his tracks, connecting on the side of the knee. Teresa launching a few more to soften the area up, and then goes high and thrust kicks him in the chest! He staggers back from the blunt force, and she scrambles behind him (CROWD EXPLOSION!) and delivers a Blue Thunder Bomb that shakes the ring! Nice show of power from the Champion!
H'WOOD: He's got about seventy pounds on her. How the heck did she pick him up? Is she taking Winstrol?
O'CONNOR: It would appear to be by will alone. She seems a bit worse for the wear though. Quaranta is lying on the mat next to Stevens, and is holding her back in what looks to be like some pain!
(CLOSEUP: STEVENS gets to his feet first, and bends down to pick up the National Champion. He goes right at her back, with a sharp punch to the kidney. The crowd boos, but STEVENS doesn't care; it's perfectly legal. She falls to the mat in front of him on hands and knees, and he stomps on her back to get her lying flat.)
O’CONNOR: Stevens…once again trying to mount her from behind, (H’WOOD: gigg-i-ty) he applies a camel clutch submission to even further weaken the back.
H'WOOD: This is the last position Quaranta needs right now! There's no way she's comfortable with Stevens on top of her like that! If she lets the much bigger challenger, Sean Stevens, just lean on her like this and stretch her out, she's going to be in for a long night.
O'CONNOR: Do you think you fit in enough sexual innuendo?
H'WOOD: I certainly tried. But I can’t compete with your wife’s explanation of how she makes a cucumber salad.
O’CONNOR: Triple X can't get her to quit, so he let's the champ go. Picking her up off the mat, he quickly Body Slams her back down on the mat, right back down on her injured back…
(CLOSEUP: Seeing she's set up in a good spot, STEVENS glances over to the turnbuckle to gauge the distance.)
O'CONNOR: I think Stevens wants to end this one right now! (loud cheers!) He’s going up top! He's on the top rope, he's GONNA (LOUD ROARS!) FLYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) DIVING HEAD BUTT!
H'WOOD: CRASH AND BURN!
O’CONNOR: TERESA Q. rolled out of the way! This is her chance to get up and take the fight back to Stevens. Her back is killing her, and as she slowly gets to her feet with help from the ropes, Stevens is up behind her. Hands rasied over his head, he moves in on the National Champion - but she turns around and (SCREAMS!) DEAR GOD! She tossed him over the top rope with a Capture Suplex! HOL-EEE HELLLL did Stevens land badly!
H'WOOD: Good lord! Now that's an iron will, O'Connor. Take notes.
O'CONNOR: What are you talking about, I'm not a wrestler!
H'WOOD: Yeah, but I saw that janitor bully you by the vending machine.
O’CONNOR: Stevens looks to be unconscious on the outside. He took a lot of the impact on his upper back and head. He rolls over onto his belly, and it doesn't look like he'll be able to answer a forty count, let alone the twenty seconds he's got!
(CUTTO: Referee BRUCE PHILLIPS’ count gets to thirteen with STEVENS only stirring as TERESA rolls out of the ring! The crowd roars that she doesn't want to win like this and grabs Stevens to toss him back in the ring and cover him.)
O'CONNOR: It's over! ONE! TWO! TH-KICKOUT!
H'WOOD: NEVER say it's over, O'Connor. Haven't I taught you anything?
O’CONNOR: Teresa can't believe it. Just seconds ago he couldn't stand on his own two feet, how could Stevens possibly kick out? She picks him up and hooks him in for an Air Raid Crash, and delivers - no, he slipped out! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) REVERSE DDT plants the champion! He covers! ONE! TWO! TWO AND A HALF! So close to winning the title! QUARANTA and STEVENS, on what must be adrenaline by itself, both quickly get to their feet. The challenger kicks the champ square in the gut and whips her into the turnbuckles. He charges after in for a big splash, but misses! He goes shoulder first to the post, howling in pain! Stevens turns around only to be – SWEET MARMADUKE! (CROWD ROARS!) SPANISH INQUISTION! HOLY FREAKING MARY! The Backflip Kick!
H’WOOD: Well, apparently Teresa’s studied up on your wife Beanfry…I’m pretty sure that’s how she gets herself into position…without all the kicking…at first.
O’CONNOR: Stevens wobbles a bit, and falls into the ropes, keeping his balance but just barely. THWACK! That's the sound of a kick right to the back of the knee! The challenger is down…and he's hurt. Stevens trying to escape the situation and rolls to the middle of the ring, in a good deal of pain, clutching his left knee. That's all the invitation the champ needed! Here she comes, but the challenger kicks her off with the other leg!
(CLOSEUP: STEVENS fighting to his feet and nearly turns the champion inside out with a lariat!)
O’CONNOR: Cover! ONE! TWO! No! The champ kicks out! Not wasting a breath, Stevens he scoops her up, whips her into the ropes, and powerslams her out of her shoes on the rebound! He picks her up once more, and hits an Ace Crusher that almost breaks her neck! ONE! TWO! TH-KICKOUT! He just can't keep her down, what's it going to take for Stevens to get the win?
H'WOOD: Well, he could kill her. But that's most likely against the rules.
O'CONNOR: Stevens drops an elbow right into her sternum.
H'WOOD: Is that above or below the boob line?
O'CONNOR: Dammit, we're 14 minutes in and NOW you make the obvious jokes? We almost got all the way through!
H'WOOD: Is it?
O'CONNOR: It's in between.
H'WOOD: That so hard?
O'CONNOR: You're unprofessional.
H’WOOD: You pay hookers two Benjamins just so you can licker their leather boots, while they berate you with an Irish accent.
O’CONNOR: I’m…I’m just giving up. (LOUD CHEERS!) But Stevens isn’t!
(CLOSEUP: STEVENS makes a move to go up to the top rope, but he gets his foot caught and needs to adjust - QUARANTA springs to her feet and jumps to the top rope beside him! The crowd leaps off their feet as they flip off the turnbuckles!)
O’CONNOR: SUUUUUUUUUUUPER HURRANCANRANAHHHHHHHHH! She drapes an over him and hooks the near leg! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOO! THRE-NO! NO! STEVENS kicked out! How on earth did he do it?
(CLOSEUP: QUARANTA'S eyes are opened wide in disbelief and delirium…and she heads to the corner with a stumble.)
O’CONNOR: Look at this Woodman! One jump, two, three jumps and she connects with the DIVINE INTERCESSION! Flipping double stomp moonsault! She collapses on top of the challenger. (w/ the crowd) ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOO! THRE-KICKOUT AGAIN!
H'WOOD: Maybe she SHOULD kill him!
O’CONNOR: This is insane! Sean Stevens has taken nearly everything the champion can deliver! She drags him to his feet, and sets him up in the corner. She charges, looking for a back handsping elbow - OH MY GOD! X-FACTOR TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! STEVENS JUST PULLED THE RABBIT OUT OF THE HAT!
(CLOSEUP: The champion falls to her knees, eyes glassy, and then falls flat on her face. STEVENS doesn't even have enough energy left to cover her. He sinks into the corner, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath.
H'WOOD: Now they're right back at square one. Stevens needs to be the first one up here if he wants to win.
O'CONNOR: He's struggling to get to his feet now. He's pulling on those ropes trying to get up - he's up! He picks the champion up, I think he wants to hit her with The X-Terminator and cover her. Here he goes - OH GOD! SHE COUNTERED WITH A WILD BOMB! HE'S PINNED! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! MY GOD, HOW DID HE KICK OUT AGAIN?!?!
H’WOOD: This is the bright lights! This is our SELF-CREATED BIG CITY! Talk is cheap and both of these two now have to figure it all out the old-fashioned way, Beansprout.
O’CONNOR: Quaranta picks the challenger up off the mat, and peppers him wih elbows and chops, moving him to the center of the ring as he tries to cover up. He fires back, catching her on the nose, but she fires back with a backfist to the temple that stuns him. Process of Illumination! - NO! Reversed! X-FACTOR! - NO, it's reversed as well! QUARANTA has his leg! She sweeps him down to the mat and locks him in the DEATH OF THE FUTURE! On that injured leg!
O'CONNOR: She's got him in the middle of the ring! Death of the Future is locked in right in no man's land!
H'WOOD: If he doesn't get out of this, it's gonna be the death of his knee.
O’CONNOR: Stevens is writhing in pain, trying his best to get the Champion off of him, but to no avail. The pain is almost blinding, shooting from his knee all the way up to his back like a knife's being dragged up and down. He tries to drag himself over to the ropes, but he's got so damn far to go!
H’WOOD: Sounds like your wedding night, Beanfry, keep going with it! I like it!
O’CONNOR: The champ wrenches back even harder! (CROWD CLAPS!) STEVENS cries out, but still he crawls, getting closer and closer...and closer...
H’WOOD: Reach down Beanfry! Remember the pain!
O’CONNOR: QUARANTA pulls harder, but STEVENS gets closer still! The fans are clapping, cheering, and stomping their feet, half cheering for the challenger and the other half for the champ! STEVENS reaches out...HE'S AT THE ROPE! HE MADE IT! (CROWD ROARS!) STEVENS GOT TO THE ROPES, FINALLY! PHILLIPS COUNTING TO THREE…
H’WOOD: (OVER LOUD SCREAMS!) JUST WHEN YOU’RE OUT! THEY PULL YOU BACK INNNNNNN!
O’CONNOR: QUARANTA DRAGS HIM OFF OF THE ROPES! SHE SOMEHOW PULLED STEVENS OFF! HE’S CLAWING! HE’S SCRATCHING! BUT HE’S BACK TO THE CENTER OF THE RING! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS IS RAISING HIS HAND, HE’S GOT TO THINK ABOUT HIS CAREER! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HE TAPPED! THE CHAMPION RETAINS! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!
(MUSIC UP: "Clarissa" by Mindless Self-Indulgence. QUICK CUTTO: QUARANTA lets go of the hold, collapsing to the mat and laying there motionless on her back as the referee hands her the title she fought so hard to keep…)
O’CONNOR: What a match, Woodman! A historic battle between two the best pound for pound wrestlers in this company! A key counter, then a little rule-bending off the ropes has Teresa Q clutching the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP to her chest, barely able to move after that absolute war she just went through.
(CUTTO: Outside the ring, SEAN STEVENS gritting his teeth and leaning on the rail, pushing away any medical help whatsoever.)
H’WOOD: That is not a happy camper out there, Beanfry…
O'CONNOR: I think it's fair to say that was the best match in the young history of the National Championship. Sean Stevens has everything to be proud of tonight
H'WOOD: For now. Until these two meet again for the strap, I'll have to agree with you. That match was exactly what NFW was all about.
(CLOSEUP: TERESA QUARANTA, still the National Champion, raising her championship up in the air…fireworks explode, but all of a sudden the crowd starts shouting in panic!)
O’CONNOR: What’s he doing!?! SEAN STEVENS IS IN THE RING, HE HAS A CHAIRRRRRRRR! (LOUD THWACK! CROWD SCREAMS! The music cuts abruptly, all pyro stops as smoke billows around the ring!) NOOOOOOOO! (THWACK!) NOOOOOOO! SEAN STEVENS HAS ATTACKED THE CHAMPION WITH A CHAIRSHOT TO THE BACK OF HER KNEE! ANOTHER CHAIRSHOT TO THE KNEE! (THWACK!) ANOTHER!”
H’WOOD: THE ENN EFF DUBYA – IT’S FAAAAAAAAAAANTASTIC!
O’CONNOR: Sean Stevens has lost his freaking mind! What is he thinking!?
H’WOOD: An eye for an eye, a knee for a knee – just a real tit for teste type situation.
O’CONNOR: Tit for tat, Lamont! Stevens…grabbing TQ’s leg and he’s wrapping that chair around it! (LOUD SCREAMS!) OH! HE’S STOMPING ON THE CHAIR! TERESA’S SCREAMING IN TERROR! (LOUD BOOS!) STEVENS THROWS THE REF OFF! (MORE BOOS!)
(CLOSEUP: STEVENS looking down at QUARANTA screaming in agony with an incensed look, then slowly turns his attention to the now LOUDLY booing crowd…not so kindly, STEVENS screams “F(BLEEP!)K OFF!”)
O’CONNOR: Wow! Stevens not holding back anything to the crowd here, now staring down at the retaining champion…(the crowd settles to a buzz…) And Stevens is FINALLY going to exit the ring, but not before sending out a message to the champion possibly? Maybe…just maybe this is a big loss to stomach for Stevens and he wasn’t able to handle it?
H’WOOD: You can’t read into the mind of anyone, Beanfry. Yeah, Stevens is angry. He’s also the one walking out of the ring on his own two feet right now, so regardless of what just happened…that may be more important TOMORROW.
(CUTTO: STEVENS walking up the ramp, the crowd buzzing in shock as he stares back at the ring…shaking his head in disgust. A cameraman gets in his face, but he simply brushes past him without so much a look in its direction…QUICK CUTTO: TERESA QUARANTA wincing, her face very flushed…and her two arms slung over two referees’ shoulders. The National Championship slung over he shoulder…)
O’CONNOR: I’m in shock, Woodman…a shocking post-match aftermath to a classic wrestling battle…
H’WOOD: To live and die with the New Frontier, you simply take the good with the bad and ugly.
O’CONNOR: We’re going to set up for the Television Championship here at ringside, but I here we’ve got something going on backstage...
(FADEIN: Somewhere in the massive backstage area, FELIX RED is being led around by a host of Insurgent Patrol as the crowd buzzes…)
O’CONNOR: “It looks like Felix Red is being led to whatever this supposed TRIAL he’s wanted for so long…and since we’ve got the crew setting things up for the Television Title Royale, I’m guessing we may be in for something quite interesting in the meantime.”
(CUTTO: RED being led to a ‘mock trial’ area…meaning some buffet tables set up appropriately in front of an unused Marshall Stack of monitors with a barstool behind it.)
O’CONNOR: “If Felix Red sees the Uber Judge, his brain may really break…and I thought that’d be impossible all things considered.”
H’WOOD: “The night’s young yet.
O’CONNOR: “Notoriously absent is Red’s self-appointed lawyer, Madonna Wayne Grossard…MWG apparently has been BANNED FROM NFW for breaking one of El Presidente’s golden rules of apparently using a dildo at an NFW event.”
H’WOOD: “That was a dildo!?”
O’CONNOR: “According to El Presidente’s written statement…it was for long enough.”
H’WOOD: “How can Felix proceed without his lawyer?”
O’CONNOR: “I have no idea…”
(CUTTO: EDDIE MAYFIELD and CRAIG MILES make their first appearance on the show to a crowd pop! They’re flanked by COJONES MERCADO and a host of NFW Insurgent Patrol.)
O’CONNOR: “We’ve actually gone an hour without the two figureheads of NFW right now…which does actually speak to the product they’re trying to present with the Wrestling Revolution.”
(CUTTO: RED being led to his seat, but completely lost in other thoughts after the UBER JUDGE revealing…to only himself. In the background to the left, you can see MAYFIELD slightly sneering in his direction…but RED is completely locked into whatever he saw with UJ…)
O’CONNOR: “I think Felix Red isn’t even into what he’s started right now, he almost seems like he’s seen a ghost tonight.”
H’WOOD: “Well, that’d be impossible…there’s no such thing!”
(CUTTO: The crowd immediately MARKS as an old NFW 1.0 face walks into the picture wearing a judge’s robe – RICARDO ESTEBAN FERNANDEZ aka R.E.F.!)
O’CONNOR: “Holy smokes, that’s Ricardo Esteban Fernandez! We haven’t seen him in almost five years! If fans don’t remember, he’s from Armando Montezuma’s camp alongside Cojones Mercado…he was the referee that DEFECTED to Cuba and helped Montezuma win the NFW World Championship six or seven years ago…WOW, they’re bringing back some oldies and goodies for this tonight!”
H’WOOD: “I’m just loving that he’s a mutually chosen arbitrator.”
O’CONNOR: “I don’t think any of this is MUTUAL, Woodman. Felix Red’s indictment of Eddie Mayfield’s actions against him before his World Title vacancy match with Dan Ryan…Red’s inability to at least somewhat conform himself to what the Professionals want out of their locker room.”
H’WOOD: “Well, we’ve got enough Insurgents surrounding Red that would make me believe that he’s on more drugs than ever…only he doesn’t seem to be acting anything like it.”
(R.E.F looking at the squalid surroundings disgustedly. MAYFIELD shakes his head at MILES, who smiles and shrugs.)
R.E.F: “Ok, I have just been informed that there has been a motion to delay this case against the Wrestling Revolution…”
(RED looks up a little confused.)
MILES: (stepping forward) “Yes, your honor.”
O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Oh brother.”
(MILES turns and flashes a smile to RED, who arches an eyebrow…)
H’WOOD: (V/O) “Beanfry…usually, when this man speaks…its not pretty to say the least, he may be crazy…but he remembers anything and everything involving this place.”
MILES: “We would actually like to extend the invitation for Felix Red to drop the case after our statement. I will not lie under the oath of the Wrestling Revolution court, Felix Red is a valuable commodity that has earned millions of dollars for himself and New Frontier Wrestling. According to himself, he has maintained that Eddie Mayfield tried to kill him.”
(MAYFIELD sheepishly grins.)
MILES: “But as the heartbeat and soul of New Frontier Wrestling, preparing MY statement even as Felix Red’s lawyer got himself banned for the new idea of ‘FIRE PORN,’ which is vehemently against our new Wrestling Revolution rules…I must say that I do not wish to see this end wrongly. Today, I’m going to REMIND Felix Red that all Eddie Mayfield did to him on one night was what he did to a whole ROSTER for TWO YEARS.”
(MILES looks at FELIX, both lock in Samurai eye-contact)
MILES: “He was about to face Dan Ryan…the same Dan Ryan’s he’s wrestled in a wrestling ring…an airplane that they apparently CRASHED with innocent passengers aboard…then further injured Tokyo hotel personnel during their wheelchair fight of doom. He’s helped aid in Kooter Michaels jumping off a BUILDING…”
(FELIX snickers, “Yeah that was cool”)
MILES: “However, there was an important incident involving a certain man that is lurking in the shadows right now…”
(FELIX’s smirk disappears…)
MILES: “That can speak to his own attempted murder at the hands of Felix Red…a new witness we could choose to call…”
V/O: “DEATH TO TYYYYYYYYYYYRANTS!”
(QUICK CUTTO: The crowd roaring as a figure flashes into the screen with an attempted leap towards into the proceedings, chair in hand…once the crowd sees who it is...THEY MARK!)
O’CONNOR: “KIN HIROSHIIIIIIIIIIII! KIN HIROSHIIIIIIIIIII!”
(CLOSEUP: HIROSHI swinging a steel chair blindly at everything! R.E.F. bangs his gavel and screams “MOTION GRANTED! DELAY GRANTED!” He leaps out of the scene as COJONES and Insurgent Patrol immediately shield MAYFIELD rolling him out of there as MILES flashes a snake’s grin as he backtracks out…HIROSHI looks around with a slight squint, before his eyes lock on FELIX RED’s…)
RED: “Now at least this isn’t impossible or implausible.”
O’CONNOR: (V/O) “Seeing two ghosts? I think not!”
(HIROSHI turns to face RED…he’s got a My Morning Jacket tour t-shirt, jeans on…hair dyed black…)
HIROSHI: “Hello…”
(Crowd cheers! HIROSHI looks at the chaos around him, with a smile as the whole scene leaves FELIX and HIROSHI alone. HIROSHI starts stalking away, chair in hand…)
HIROSHI: “I’m sorry I ruined your party.”
(FADEOUT w/ HIROSHI walking out, FELIX RED leans back in his chair and strokes his chin…looking at the roof.)
RED: “The strange days have come.”
(FADEIN: Red and white fireworks firing off into the afternoon sky as the crowd roars! The FRONTIERtron shows a spinning graphic of the Television Championship belt…CUTTO: Four or five referees around ringside, conferring with each other…QUICK CUTTO: Ringside with LAMONT and KERRY…)
O’CONNOR: It all comes down to this, Lamont! Twenty four men and women have thrown their names in the ring from all over the professional wrestling world for one reason: to be able to say that they were the one who removed Joe the Plumber’s death grip on the NFW Television Title.
H’WOOD: That’s where you’re wrong, Beandip. Twenty four wrestlers? If there’s six wrestlers in the bunch that’s being generous. There’s a score of clowns, and emo flakes, and carnival sideshows… and lawyers. There’s a lawyer in this match, did you know that?
O’CONNOR: You’re referring, of course, to Mary – Lynn Mayweather, whom I understand—
H’WOOD: And a midget! Midget!
O’CONNOR: You like Dirk.
H’WOOD: Midgets are… That’s true. But even still, Joe the Plumber is going to breeze through this thing, if a wrestler can’t survive the carwrecks!
O’CONNOR: Joe may very well walk out with his title intact, but I don’t think it’ll be as easy as a breeze, Lamont! Let’s head on up to Lee – Baby Sims to get this party started!
(SFX: DING DING DING! CUTTO: Lee – Baby Sims in the ring)
SIMS: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP ROYALE! (LOUD ROARS!) It is a 25-menRANDOM RUMBLE RULES match, and it is for the NEW FRONTIER WRESTLING TELLLLEEEEEE – VISSSSSSSSION CHAM-PEEN-SHIP! In just a moment, the first two participants will come down to the ring. Every two minutes thereafter, the next participant will come down, until there is a maximum of eight people in the ring! Eliminations occur via pinfall, submission, or being thrown over the top rope and onto the floor.
O’CONNOR: With the exception of the Dirk Dickwood rule, of course – he can only eliminate opponents, or BE eliminated, under the bottom rope.
(This time, I’m’a let it all come out, this time I’m’a stand up and shout! I’mma do things my way, it’s my way! My way or the highway…)
SIMS: Introducing first, from New York, New York, The BRITISH BOMBER!
O’CONNOR: A newcomer to New Frontier Wrestling, the Bomber is one of many who answered Craig and Eddie’s call to the best and brightest in the world to try their hand at NFW.
H’WOOD: Best and brightest? Who are you, Sally Struthers?
(Come on ride the train (choo choo train), and ride it)
SIMS: And the second entrant, from Secaucus, Italy – one half of the Sicilian Swat Team… COUSIN VI-NNNNNAY!
O’CONNOR: Cousin Vinny coming to the ring with the Italian Stallion Leroy Brown, but he’ll have to enter the cage alone!
H’WOOD: Cage? Can’t we come up with something more imaginative?
O’CONNOR: Such as?
H’WOOD: … Lamont Hollywood’s metallic globe of wonder?
O’CONNOR: We’ll get right on that. Lee – Baby Sims is out of the ring, and we’re underway! The countdown has begun, in two minutes we’ll see our next entrant! And the Bomber with a forearm to the face! Another! He’s sent Vinny into the ropes, and a clothesline drops him down!
H’WOOD: Not so tough without his tag team partner, I think.
O’CONNOR: Scoop by the Bomber, and a slam! Cover, ONE… TWO… Kickout! It’s not over nearly that quickly!
H’WOOD: It’s not gonna be over for an hour. Besides, if the idiot can get pinned after two shots and a drop he should have to leave some body parts behind as El Presidente kicks him out the back door.
O’CONNOR: What my handi – capable co-host means to say is that it’s still anybody’s game. Not only can a pin or a submission eliminate you, but getting tossed over the top rope—
H’WOOD: Ahem!
O’CONNOR: …or under it, in Dirk’s case…
H’WOOD: Thank you.
O’CONNOR: —is just as effective, and it can happen any time, and you certainly don’t need to be knocked into oblivion to be affected!
H’WOOD: Though it helps, Beans.
O’CONNOR: Vinny on his feet again, and another whip into the ropes! The British Bomber with a dropkick—VINNY HELD ONTO THE ROPES! The Bomber hit the mat hard, and Cousin Vinny…
(SFX: Loud boos from the crowd)
O’CONNOR: …making friends here with his Italian Salute.
H’WOOD: Sign language truly crosses all nationalities.
O’CONNOR: Vinny with a change in the tides, and he’s on the Bomber! Scoop, and a European uppercut! Another send the Bomber into the corner, and a series of right hands! One! Two! Three! Snapmare out of the corner!
H’WOOD: Even though these idiots will count to ten anyway.
O’CONNOR: Vinny now with a quick cover, ONE… TWO—KICKOUT!
H’WOOD: When do you think someone will realize that the top rope is a viable alternative?
O’CONNOR: I think he heard you! Cousin Vinny with another scoop, and he’s trying to toss the Bomber! The British Bomber with two hands grabs hold of the rope, and I think he’s too alert with too good a grip to get tossed this soon! If either of these men are going to eliminate the other this soon it’s going to take brains, not brawn!
H’WOOD: Blah, blah, blah. Are either of these guys even gonna win? Let me know when someone important gets in.
(SFX: The fans start to count from ten)
O’CONNOR: You might have a short nap, Lamont! We’re just a few seconds away from another entrant!
H’WOOD: Don’t we have the list? Wasn’t it made public?
O’CONNOR: Yeah, coming up next…
(SFX:A loud foghorn.)
H’WOOD: Yeah, he doesn’t count.
(Suddenly… Johnny… gets a feeling… he’s being surrounded by… horses… horses… horses… horses…)
O’CONNOR: Impulse is on his way to the ring!
H’WOOD: Like I said.
O’CONNOR: This kid has a lot of heart, Lamont! These fans are cheering for the young masked man, and with good reason! He drew some bad luck with number three tonight, but he’s vowed to make an impact in this match and I think he will.
H’WOOD: He wants to surprise me, he’ll win a match. Any match. Eliminate one person. Help eliminate one person. Survive longer than twenty seconds. Good night.
O’CONNOR: Impulse slides under the bottom rope—
H’WOOD: What?
O’CONNOR: Dirk isn’t out yet.
H’WOOD: Good night.
O’CONNOR: —and immediately, a standing dropkick to the back of Cousin Vinny’s head! Both men go over the top rope!
H’WOOD: And are both holding onto the ropes, therefore they both landed on the apron and slid back in. I’m not impressed.
O’CONNOR: Impulse off the ropes again, and a baseball slide to the British Bomber knocks him to the floor! Referee on the scene says the Bomber was fully inside the ring so that doesn’t count as an elimination, British Bomber is still in this thing!
H’WOOD: Good for him, if he’s smart he’ll take a nap, too. Can’t be thrown out of the ring if you’re on the floor.
O’CONNOR: Impulse with Cousin Vinny, and he’s got him locked with a half nelson shoulderlock!
H’WOOD: Admit it, Beanfry, you made that up.
O’CONNOR: The masked daredevil has Vinny on his knees in the middle of the ring! Vinny powering up, he’s got his free hand behind Impulse’s head, and he’s slowly fighting to his feet! These fans are chanting for Impulse to eliminate him!
H’WOOD: Look who’s in the ring. A head of cabbage would get just as big a pop right now.
O’CONNOR: Vinny is all the way to his—IMPULSE JUST HOISTED HIM AND DROPPED HIM ON HIS TAILBONE ON THE MAT! Say what you will, but this kid knows how to wrestle! He’s up, and he spies the British Bomber outside the ring, what’s he going to do?
H’WOOD: Be still my beating heart, I hope to thee he doesn’t muck this up.
O’CONNOR: Impulse off the opposite ropes… CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!
H’WOOD: YES I CAN! THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN!
O’CONNOR: Lamont?
H’WOOD: IN THE PAST FEW MINUTES!
O’CONNOR: Let’s take a look at that one more time in slow motion!
(CUTTO: Split screen with live action on the left and the replay on the right.)
(The split screen shows Impulse rebound off the ropes, and in the split second before he would have hit the other side, he dropped to the mat and slid, catching the British Bomber on the side of the head with a boot, but he also grabbed the bottom rope to control his momentum and bring him back inside the ring. Unfortunately, as he got to his feet he turned around just in time for Cousin Vinny to hit a uranage.)
H’WOOD: Rookie mistake. If he slid all the way to the outside he can’t get eliminated.
O’CONNOR: We’re at ten seconds before our next entrant, but we’ve currently got the British Bomber climbing to his feet outside the ring, Impulse climbing to his feet INSIDE the ring, and Cousin Vinny is on his feet, calling for the fans to cheer!
H’WOOD: I think they’re doing like me, saving their energy for the real wrestlers.
(SFX: Foghorn)
O’CONNOR: And here comes our fourth entrant!
(We’ll be singing, we’ll be winning. We’ll be singing… I get knocked down…)
H’WOOD: Yawn.
O’CONNOR: Matt Johannson is on his way to the ring! Johannson is a familiar face to New Frontier Wrestling, having competed in the first season of Ultratitle competition! Let’s see what he can do here tonight!
H’WOOD: Same as the Ultratitle, Beanpole.
O’CONNOR: What?
H’WOOD: Little to nothing.
O’CONNOR: Johannson just tore that cage door open, and he’s all over the Bomber!
H’WOOD: I may have misspoke. He can’t get eliminated if he doesn’t actually enter the ring.
O’CONNOR: Right hand! Another! Johannson just whipped the Bomber into the cage! He’s in the ring! Vinny rushes him, and a sweep of the leg! Vinny hits the mat!
H’WOOD: Again, can you wake me up when the real challengers get here? And when the CHAMPEEN gets here?
O’CONNOR: Johannson is on fire! Scoop on Vinny, and a slam to the mat!
H’WOOD: Isn’t he Matt?
O’CONNOR: Keep up! Johannson between the ropes, and he’s climbing the turnbuckle! Good move on his end to go between the ropes, no matter what happens up there, he’s still in this thing!
H’WOOD: We’re four in. Four. Twenty one more people are coming down. That’s forty two minutes. Plus overflow. None of these people are still in this thing. The Television Title is on an altar and these four are just refried nubs.
O’CONNOR: Nubs?
H’WOOD: Refried.
O’CONNOR: Refried?
H’WOOD: Shush, I’m in the zone.
O’CONNOR: Cousin Vinny slowly climbs to his feet, and a missile dropkick from Johannson! HE EATS MAT!
H’WOOD: Isn’t—
O’CONNOR: IMPULSE JUST SHOVED COUSIN VINNY OUT OF THE WAY! Matt Johannson hit the mat with a crash, and Impulse with a legdrop! Cover, ONE, TWO – The Bomber pulled him off! Dragon suplex! ONE, TWO, Kickout!
H’WOOD: These guys are a lost cause, but if they wanted any hope they need to take it easy. There’s a lot of time between now and then.
O’CONNOR: That’s true, Lamont, but that won’t stop any of these men from giving it their all. Vinny has Johannson up, and he’s firing away with forearms to the chest! He’s got him in the corner, and just pounding away! The Bomber with a scoop on Impulse, and he’s got him in the opposite corner!
H’WOOD: I wonder what’ll happen here, Beans.
O’CONNOR: WHIP TO THE CENTER! JOHANNSON REVERSES! Impulse and Cousin Vinny just collided in the middle of the ring – Vinny with a scoop, IMPULSE REVERSES! HEADSCISSORS TAKEDOWN!
(SFX: Foghorn. The fans booed as the Phantasm theme filled the arena)
H’WOOD: Be still my heart, another winner.
O’CONNOR: Evil James Varga is on his way to the ring – Johannson with a scoop, and an atomic drop on Cousin Vinny! The Bomber and Impulse are against the ropes again, I think Evil James’ best tactic here is to get in the ring, and wait for one person to toss their opponent, and go for the blindside! It’s unexpected and it’s quick, which he’ll need to be to make it to the end and have a shot at this!
H’WOOD: Just get rid of someone! We’re nearly at the max ring capacity and I’m close to tears over how bored I am.
O’CONNOR: Whether that was his intention or not, Evil James is certainly taking his time getting inside the cage. Impulse is over the top! No, he held onto the apron and slid back under! EVIL JAMES JUST PULLED HIM OUTSIDE!
H’WOOD: Is he out? Gods be praised?
O’CONNOR: Referee calls, he was in the ring before he was dragged out underneath the bottom, so Impulse has not been thrown over the top and onto the floor, he’s still in! Evil James with a scoop and a slam on the floor! The British Bomber follows the two outside the ring, and a double whip into the cage!
H’WOOD: Where’s the other guy? Apron.
O’CONNOR: Matt?
H’WOOD: Yeah, the mat. He and Vinny haven’t killed each other yet?
O’CONNOR: Matt Johannson has been trying to shove Cousin Vinny over the top rope for quite some time now, but he just can’t get the Sicilian’s grip off the middle rope!
H’WOOD: Bombed and Rick James just lawn darted Impulse into the cage! See, THIS is entertainment!
O’CONNOR: Vinny is over—NO! He just slid back under! Sweep of Johannson’s leg! Chokehold! Are his shoulders down? THUMB IN THE EYE!
H’WOOD: Lawn dart him again! Please?
O’CONNOR: Johannson just broke the chokehold with a thumb to Cousin Vinny’s eye, and they rolled away from each other. Do you think they’ve realized yet that they’re the only two in the ring?
H’WOOD: What—No, NO! Lawn dart the kid! Don’t attack Rick James!
O’CONNOR: Rick James?
H’WOOD: Not quite evil enough?
O’CONNOR: Evil James just took a right hand from the British Bomber, and he fired back another in kind! They’re trading blows outside the ring, while Impulse is getting to his feet! Inside, Cousin Vinny with a running clothesline!
H’WOOD: BAD MOVE!
O’CONNOR: Johnanson dodged it, he’s off the ropes… SPRINGBOARD LARIAT! Scoop, and a whip to the corner!
H’WOOD: Everybody out of the bla, bla, bla.
O’CONNOR: What?
H’WOOD: WINS~! SPLASH!
O’CONNOR: And the Slapshot Driver! ONE! TWO! THREE!
(SFX: DING DING DING!)
H’WOOD: Don’t get distracted, you idiots!
O’CONNOR: Evil James and the British Bomber were distracted by the bell, and Impulse with a superkick to the back of the British Bomber’s head! Cousin Vinny has been eliminated, he’ll have to leave the arena! Evil James with a swinging roundhouse clothesline just dropped the youngster back to the mat!
H’WOOD: He’s in the ring.
O’CONNOR: It’s getting old. JOHANNSON WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE! He just caught Evil James in the side of the head, and he’s outside! Under the bottom ropes, of course, is not an elimination.
H’WOOD: Ahem.
O’CO